Dec 12, 2001

Well, it's my 26th birthday. Whoop-de-doo. It wasn't bad or anything, just the typical adult birthday where nothing spectacular happens. But at least this year I'm mature enough to NOT expect anything other than the few people I care about most remember the date. And of course they don't all remember, typical typical. Oh well.

Did you read the poem in my last entry? Well, I can't speak for anyone else, obviously, but that is EXACTLY how I feel. Read this passage again:

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

Well, Señor, let me tell you something. Read the poem below. I have no problem recognizing love. It IS a risk. Sidstepping it isn't going to make things better. Ignoring the truth won't either. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. But when you truly love someone, you look past that. You don't just think about yourself and your feelings but also those of the person you love. You love them despite what they do. You love them because of who they are. You want to share your existence with that person, You feel incomplete without them. You are willing to go through pain and torture and even death to protect that person, and ensure their happiness. You throw all caution and logic to the wind and devout yourself to that person. You see each other as equals. You don't CARE what other people think about your relationship, not even your own family. You DO and you FEEL and you SAY what you think, what you need to do and feel and say, and while yes you need to be aware of the rest of your life and keep an EVEN balance between the intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological, there is NO PROBLEM is sometimes casting all logic aside just to live a little and enjoy love. Because love IS what makes the world go around, love IS supposed to be all of the 5 things above, intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological - love IS, in essence, that super-natural power that I believe is God. As say the scriptures. For those who do not believe in God, you may find that deity to be someone or something else, but can you argue that love is behind whichever deity you pledge your loyalty to?


Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

Well, it DOES hurt. But what can I do? I can tell him over and over again that I love him and need him and need to be a part of him, but if he is unwilling to accept that, I can't do anything about it. I don't know why he told me a long time ago that he knew things about our future, as I said I did, and that I needed to wait until he figured things out and experienced life a bit more. Well, I've been waiting and am pretty sick of it. He has been doing exactly what I wish I could do - get on with my life and keep him in the back of my mind. But how can I even think about dating someone else when I love someone so much?

I am not a desperate fanatic. I'm not loca. I'm just a girl who loves a boy and wants him to love her. How can I change my heart? How can I ignore those feelings? The few times I have dated other people I felt like I was cheating on my own heart. And I hated the way I felt.

So what am I supposed to do? I love you, I always will. I have the kind of love for you that most people only HOPE for. And yet you fail to see what I can offer you, what I am willing to give you. If I only had someone who loved me half as much as I love you, I'd feel extremely lucky and blessed. If only that person was you.

Dec 7, 2001

Love's Risk

There is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love
You can not approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.
It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and unmerciliess.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it's in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.

Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought & desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;
It urges you, instead, to live.

No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart & soul
And Leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...
For in all of life,
Love is truly the only risk worth taking.

Nov 6, 2001

I want to share a poem by Cesare Pavese. It's in Italian, but if you know latin or fluently speak another romance language you might be able to understand it. I particularly liked this poem because I can well relate to it, having suffered depression. Certain verses may at first seem to contradict themselves but if you have ever suffered from loneliness but at the same time actually wanted it for whatever reason, you'd empathize with the narrator and understand where he is coming from.

Mania di solitudine

Mangio un poco di cena alla chiara finestra.
Nella stanza e gia buio e si vede nel cielo,
A uscir fuori, le vie tranquille conducono
dopo un poco, in aperta campagna.
Mangio e guardo nel cielo - chi sa quante donne
stan mangiando a quest'ora - il mio corpo e tranquillo;
il lavoro stordisce il mio corpo e ogni donna.

Fuori, dopo la cena, verranno le stelle a toccare
sulla larga pianura la terra. Le stelle son vive,
ma non valgono queste ciliege, che mangio da solo.
Vedo il cielo, ma so che tra i tetti di ruggine
qualche lume gia brilla e che, sotto, si fanno rumori.
Un gran sorso e il mio corpo assapora la vita
delle piante e dei fiumi, e si sente staccato da tutto.
Basta un po' di silenzio e ogni cosa si ferma
nel suo luogo reale, cosi com'e fermo il mio corpo.

Ogni cosa e isolata davanti ai miei sensi,
che l'accettano senza scomporsi: un brusio di silenzio.
Ogni cosa nel buio la posso sapere
come so che il mio sangue trascorre le vene.
La pianura e un gran scorrere d'acque tra l'erbe,
una cena di tutte le cose. Ogni pianta e ogni sasso
vive immobile. Ascolto i miei cibi nutrimi le vene
di ogni cosa che vive su questa pianura.

Non importa la notte. Il quadrato di cielo
mi sussura di tutti i fragori, e una stella minuta
si dibatte nel vuoto, lontana dai cibi,
dalle case, diversa. Non basta a se stessa,
e ha bisogno di troppe compagne. Qui al buio, da solo,
il mio corpo e tranquillo e si sente padrone.

(um, I noticed it won't render the accent marks well, so I had to take them out - sorry!!)

Oct 15, 2001

Ok, it's October 15th, and I'm at work. After the tragic events of Sept 11th, things seem really different all of a sudden. I mean, just our way of life. Major things have not changed (at least in my personal life) but the things I'm accustomed to seeing and doing everyday are different. For instance - before Sept. 11, I was accustomed to seeing the American flag, a symbol of our country, our democracy, our freedom, and our love for country and for God, at businesses, schools, and of course during national holidays, as independence day. BUT now I see them everywhere - people are wearing them, flying them at their doors, from their cars - decals, ribbons - they are everywhere. And I think it is so wonderful to see the patriotism and the unity that only strengthened after the evil acts of some radical terrorist group. They had hoped to scare us and weaken us, but as President Bush said, we have only grown stronger, and united to defend our way of life, our liberty, and our country. As LDS I have been taught since I was young, as it is written in the Book of Mormon, that the United States of America is a chosen nation, one that is blessed by the hand of God, choicest above all other nations, and we are promised that if we only worship the Lord God of this land, namely Jesus Christ himself, we will never be put into bondage or enslaved by the hands of other nations or wicked people, i.e. in this case, this terrorist group Al Queda. BUT as President Hinckley told us during general conference last weekend, this is the crux of it all - and although this great country is filled with corruption, sin and pestilence (as we can plainly see by watching our televisions or even going out onto the street) as long as there are righteous people, and there are many in this country, this promise will stand and we will not fall under the destruction that happened to Babylon of old or Jerusalem around 600 B.C.. These cities were destroyed because there were no righteous people among them, and the perversities and corruption were horrible. In a sense, this proves that just ONE person can make a difference, or save a nation. Because as long as there is ONE, or a few, righteous people, we will prevail as a nation. And this brings me comfort and a sense of peace. It's not saying that horrible things can't happen to us, and they do, as evidenced by Sept. 11th, or that righteous people will not suffer by the hands of the wicked, or become martyrs, because this happens all of the time now as it did in ancient times, BUT as a nation we will stand - and that is what counts. However, the same thing could happen that happened to Jerusalem around 600 BC - that there are so few righteous people, that Heavenly Father might command that small group to leave, and therefore destroy the city, as he did with Lehi and his family, and he sent them to the new world. So it's not right to think that a person can get away with sins and perversions just because his neighbor is a righteous person who tries to uphold his beliefs. This is a calling for all - every child and adult not only in the US but in the world.

I'm beginning to sound like a televangelist so I'll shut up now. I am just writing this to confirm my own thoughts, not to preach to others. It might interest the few who read this what I think, but by no means am I condeming anyone or their way of life. Although I would love to share the precious gift that Heavenly Father has given me with others, and sometimes I try too hard to do that and in turn push people away, in fact I believe that as long as you are happy with who you are, and feel that you are doing what is right and best, then God will bless you beyond your wildest dreams. And I will not judge you, despite the fact that we may disagree. I believe in the celebration of diversity - and when you think about it, if we all were the same and believed the same stuff, this world would be a dull, dull place :)

Just food for thought:) I feel better just getting this out. I better get back to work now.

Aug 8, 2001

Not much to say as of yet. Jason and Alyssa are getting married in two days. I gotta buy a dress, I suppose:) Anyway. For anyone who has ever wondered here is the javascript necessary to close the browser window (using text. You can alter it to use an image, like an X, instead).

< a href="javascript:window.parent.close();" >CLOSE WINDOW< /a >

I put an extra space before and after the carats so that it would actually print the javascript here. Make SURE, in order for this to work, that you take out those spaces, k?

Good. I'm done at work now. Going shopping - have fun all;)


Jul 25, 2001

***NOTE: for now on I will only be showing the last 10 posts. I will try to get an archive set up, but I'm at work now, so it will have to wait.***

I wish I had more time to just jot (or in this case type) down my thoughts. I used to almost religiously keep a journal when I was young, but in 1995, when my life started to fall apart (a.k.a began to be REAL) I didn't want to share many of my thoughts.

And I'm at work now so it's not like I can say much. But what am I thinking about right now? Well, for one thing, work - I don' t want to stay until 6:30 today when I hardly have anything to do as it is. And next week we're taking Cristina to Niagra Falls, and I'm supposed to take of Wed-Fri, which will be hard, because I'm still in the middle of my probationary period here at work (until Nov 21) and only have 3.5 days of vacation time until then. I'm kind of hoping to save it for when I go to Rome in October.

So that means comp time. And comp time means working later, or working Saturdays, or whatever. Which, at this current moment, is hard because 1) I have a guest and 2) I don't have a lot of work to do (i.e. projects). So I'm kind of frustrated.

I'm also thinking about my future. I've been doing that a lot lately. I have three more classes until I graduate, which I will have to juggle with work this upcoming semester (and I have to stay above half time in order to continue having benefits). But when I'm done, then what? I have a job, but do I want my own apartment? Can I afford it? I make good money, especially for a single woman, but it doesn't seem to go very far, at least the first few paychecks haven't been. The government takes 1/4 of my check, that's usually around $400 every pay period! And then pay tithing above that? Plus bills, car payment,'s almost too much. Of course, I also have been supporting two people this summer (since I changed from 40% to working 90% of the time) and that may be why I feel I don't have much money, I dunno. I have plenty, I'm not broke, don't get me wrong, it just makes me wonder if I can afford living alone:)

I also have been thinking about marriage. I am 25, and my biological clock is ticking. I want to be a mother so badly. (Not that I feel I'm ready for that, but it is what I want to do) but before that I want to be married. I sometimes wonder if the promises that were given to me will be fulfilled. So far they have - my life has been one big blessing and miracle, and I would be an idiot not to recognize God's hand in that. He has kept every promise He has made to me so far, and I, in turn, am trying to do the same. But I am so impatient, and sometimes my life seems to be going the opposite direction of what I ever intended, and my goals seem to be drifting farther and farther away from my reach. I am more open-minded now, and I realize that sometimes it isn't the destination, but how you get there that counts (as "Miguel" says, it's not what you do necessarily, but HOW you do it). I want a temple marriage. Being a faithful Latter-Day Saint (although some might disagree with me, but who are they to judge? They cannot see inside of my heart) I recognize the necessity in that. I know its true. But something has crossed my mind that has never been there before - what if it didn't start out that way? I decided that I would do what I could to do what's right for me in my life, and I recognize the importance of making my own choices and learning from them, but I also will heed to the still small voice and if I am encouraged to "stray" from the traditional path that most young Mormons take, well then, so be it. I never even considered doing this before, but then again, we are all different and unique, and maybe God's plan for me is a bit different than it is for others. At the very least, if my goals are righteous, I will reach them eventually, but the way I do it may differ from what most people would consider "correct". It doesn't matter what most ppl think, though - it's something that's between God and me (and my future husband, of course). But I will NOT let passion or self-interest conflict with my righteous desires, as so many people do, unfortunately. (I'm just stating a fact here, NOT making a judgement).

I better go now. Work is calling (although I don't know what I will do until 6:30).

Jul 20, 2001

Ok, I edited the names. So everything is back on. I got an email from someone who actually was reading my blogs, so I guess they aren't for nothing, after all. It's nice to know I'm not the only person out there who enjoys learning about other people's lives, when they want to share it:)

Jul 3, 2001

I am temporarily turning this off. Nobody reads it anyway but me, but just in case, I don't want to upset anyone. I will edit the content and remove names in those more private entries. Personally I would tell the world anything it wanted to know about myself because I don't care but I need to respect the privacy of others.

Thanks for your patience.


May 4, 2001

Du garçon a l'homme

Il était aux deux du matin, et pendant que dormait ma camarade de chambre, je tapais à l'ordinateur. Je ne pouvais pas empêcher de rire - Miguel a juste terminé de raconter une blague drôle, et tout le salon de tchatche exprimait ses opinions de désapprobation avec les caractères de type typiques que seulement les aficionados du tchatche peuvent reconnaître. Je n'ai connu jamais ce garçon d'esprit, mais j'aimais nos rendez-vous sur l'ordinateur plus que j'étais disposée d'avouer.

J'ai fait la connaissance de Miguel quand j'étais une étudiante de première année à Brigham Young University. Miguel était un étudiant d'échange de l'Espagne, et pendant le deuxième semestre de l'année scolaire, il a vécu avec ma famille en Wisconsin. Cette année-là j'ai découvert l'Internet et les salons de tchatche primitifs. C'etait là, dans les salons, où j'ai partagé mes sentiments plus intimes avec lui, et lui avec moi. Quand je suis retournée chez-moi, nous sommes devenus les meilleurs amis, et éventuellement nous nous sommes tombés amoureux.

Actuellement, quand je pense au garçon qui aujourd'hui est un homme tout à fait diffèrent, je souris aux mémoires de notre petite et courte relation. Maintenant nous continuons d'être amis, et quand je retourne chaque année en l'Espagne, nous nous retrouvons et nous passons un jour ou deux ensembles. Cependant, Miguel n'est pas le garçon que j'aimais tant il y a 6 ans. Alors, il peignait toute l'innocence, l'amour, et la beauté de la jeunesse. J'étais semblable ; innocente, scrupuleuse, et nouvelle aux choses de l'amour. Depuis l'été de son retour, néanmoins, il n'était pas un garçon, mai un vrai homme.

Un homme plus beau que la majorité, Miguel avait tout en sa faveur. Avec son apparence méditerranée et la charme d'un enchanteur, il n'y avait pas une femme qui ne l'a regardé pas deux fois. Un Espagnol typique, Miguel avait les yeux sombres et grands, les cils longs, et chaque fois qu'il me regardait, même après notre rupture, je me sentais désespérée, et je me perdais dans les profondeurs d'eux. Les cheveux brillaient sous le soleil, bien qu'ils étaient de la couleur noire. Sa peau olive toujours était plus bronzée que ma propre peau pâle, et Miguel s'amusait de se moquer sur le fait, à ma grande consternation. Il avait le bonheur de jouir d'un menton fort comme ceux des soldats romans de l'armée de Caésar, qui rehaussait son parfait sourire magique. Son sourire, ah, le sourire fameux qu'il choisissait de ne pas montrer souvent, parce que toujours nous disputions. Cependant, quand il sourit tout le monde prêtait attention ; quelle personne ne pouvait apercevoir les dentes parfaits -blanc, et les lèvres minces mais sensuelles ?

Je n'oublierai jamais l'été quand il est retourné à Wisconsin pour passer ses vacances avec nous. J'espérais un commencement nouveau de notre relation, mais très rapidement j'apprenais qu'il ne voulait pas la même chose. Nous avons passé tout l'été dans une humeur horrible et il ne pouvait pas parler avec moi, et j'étais tant désespérée de regagner son amour que je l'ai repoussé même plus. La nouvelle arrogance, l'assurance, et la manipulation de l'homme que j'avais aimé depuis tant du temps m'étonnaient complètement, et je commençais de faire la même à lui. L'été épouvantable finalement approchait sa fin quand Miguel et moi avons décidé d'aider un groupe d'enfants avec un voyage de Rafting. Nous n'avons pas parlé avant le voyage, mais tout ca a changé après l'expédition. Mon Raft est entré en collision avec les roches des rapides, et j'ai perdu la connaissance quand j'ai choqué contre la tête de l'enfant devant moi. Les autres Rafts ont chaviré, avec l'exception du Raft de Miguel et son groupe. Les enfants ont crié avec horreur, à cause de tomber dans le tourbillon. Je ne pouvais rien faire, mais Miguel a plongé dans la rivière et a sauvé les vies des petits enfants qui se noyaient. Après, il m'a conduit à l'hôpital parce que je saignais et j'avais perdu une dent. Je pleurais le long de la route, pas parce que je m'ai fait mal, mais parce que mon visage était monstrueux et j'aurais été censée d'être la dame d'honneur dans le mariage d'une amie le lendemain. À ce moment-là, j'ai eu la bonne chance de voir le garçon avec qui je m'etais tombé amoureux ; un garçon doux, gentil, et soucieux pour mon bien-être. Il m'a tenu la main, et m'a rassuré que tout irait bien. Je l'ai regardé, en larmes, mais je ne pouvais rien dire. Il continuait à dire des choses tendres, et que je ne pourrais pas être plus belle que la mariée, n'est pas ? Il me disait à chaque minute de ne pas dormir parce que je perdais trop de sang. Il a réussi à empêcher que je perdais la connaissance, un fait qu'à la fin, m'a sauvé la vie, selon le docteur.

Pendant cette expérience Miguel s'est révélé d'être un homme mature, décisif, et compétent de penser et agir en cas d'urgence. Bien qu'il ne fût pas le garçon de 16 ans qui j'avais fait la connaissance sur l'Internet, il continuait d'être une personne qui avait les qualités altruistes du garçon qu'était auparavant, et les caractéristiques d'un homme assuré, fort, masculin, et d'un type d'importance différent dans ma vie. Je continue à l'aimer, et pour moi, c'est une joie d'avoir l'opportunité de connaître l'homme qu'il est devenu.

Apr 18, 2001

Well. I'm back from Spain, back from Easter. Not much to say. I did a lot of contemplation, and realized that I am guilty of what Miguel has politely accused me of for the past 6 years - yet I was oblivious to it. I am way too judgmental of people - especially those closest to me and those I love dearest. While I got along fine with Miguel this trip, I still said stupid things that I now regret.

Below is a copy of a portrait I had done while in Barcelona on Las Ramblas.

Apr 4, 2001

Ok so it's now April 5th, 2001, almost 8 months later. Anyway, forget about everything I said below about HIM. He's engaged now, anyway, and it's not to me, and besides, that was just a little crush. Not exactly the love of my life. Of course, the love of my life still exists but HE is completely ignorant of how deep my feelings for him go, and it just seems that I'm almost a plaything for him - someone he can manipulate and someone he can call a "friend" when he needs one.

So anyway, I'm going to see him next week Monday. Only 5 days away. Yup, going to SPAIN! But I really am really sick of trying to hide everything I know and feel just so that he is comfortable just being with me. I know he cares about me at some level (where that level is, I'm not sure anyone but God knows) but he's still afraid of my feelings for him. And why shouldn't he be? What can I possibly offer him? I'm not Spanish, I'm not Catholic, I'm not 22, I'm not a telecommunications expert, I'm not gorgeous and thin, and I have a small social disorder that prevents me from simply ENJOYING myself when I'm with others! He thinks it's something else when I sit with him and his friends and say nothing and try to appear polite but yet I'm distant. he thinks it's an attack on HIM or on his friends, but actually, it's just me, sitting in a corner, wishing I could fade away and be somewhere else, alone with him engaged in a deep discussion, or simply ALONE. I'm not thinking of much more than where I'd rather be - who I'd rather be - anyone but myself and with myself. I'm constantly comparing myself to others - it's no wonder he seems to no longer find me attractive.

Yet somewhere deep within I know that I can offer a good deal. Although not a model, I am beautiful in my own way. I get plenty of stares on the street still, even though I'm not a size 4. Men still find me attractive, physically. I'm intelligent, spiritual, and talented. I can fix my car and then go inside the house and sew a skirt or crochet a scarf. I can hold a conversation with someone in French and then go to church and provide Spanish translation for the non-English speakers there. I have a heart of gold, and I love everyone. At least I used to, until my heart was trampled on by a few so-called "friends" who claimed to have loved me. Whatever, that's what I say.

But I really believe, behind my depression and self-consciousness I am a good person, and I can be fun. He and I always had fun when we were together - we are both so unique and different from everyone else that we just seemed to enjoy the seemingly pointless things we did to have fun. But those days are gone - boy those days are gone.

We are different people. We are growing further apart, and we live so very far apart. But there is SOMETHING, yes something, that keeps us attached - like a thin golden string - deceivingly delicate and appearing to break any moment, but inside, it's made of solid metal. We can go for months not talking to each other yet we'll pick up right where we left off when we communicate again. We can not know anything about the other's personal life as of recent yet still know each other's souls. He has not only become my family, but a part of me. And even when I feel sad or depressed, or he has hurt me in some way, when I am with him, I am whole. I am complete.