Apr 4, 2001

Ok so it's now April 5th, 2001, almost 8 months later. Anyway, forget about everything I said below about HIM. He's engaged now, anyway, and it's not to me, and besides, that was just a little crush. Not exactly the love of my life. Of course, the love of my life still exists but HE is completely ignorant of how deep my feelings for him go, and it just seems that I'm almost a plaything for him - someone he can manipulate and someone he can call a "friend" when he needs one.

So anyway, I'm going to see him next week Monday. Only 5 days away. Yup, going to SPAIN! But I really am really sick of trying to hide everything I know and feel just so that he is comfortable just being with me. I know he cares about me at some level (where that level is, I'm not sure anyone but God knows) but he's still afraid of my feelings for him. And why shouldn't he be? What can I possibly offer him? I'm not Spanish, I'm not Catholic, I'm not 22, I'm not a telecommunications expert, I'm not gorgeous and thin, and I have a small social disorder that prevents me from simply ENJOYING myself when I'm with others! He thinks it's something else when I sit with him and his friends and say nothing and try to appear polite but yet I'm distant. he thinks it's an attack on HIM or on his friends, but actually, it's just me, sitting in a corner, wishing I could fade away and be somewhere else, alone with him engaged in a deep discussion, or simply ALONE. I'm not thinking of much more than where I'd rather be - who I'd rather be - anyone but myself and with myself. I'm constantly comparing myself to others - it's no wonder he seems to no longer find me attractive.

Yet somewhere deep within I know that I can offer a good deal. Although not a model, I am beautiful in my own way. I get plenty of stares on the street still, even though I'm not a size 4. Men still find me attractive, physically. I'm intelligent, spiritual, and talented. I can fix my car and then go inside the house and sew a skirt or crochet a scarf. I can hold a conversation with someone in French and then go to church and provide Spanish translation for the non-English speakers there. I have a heart of gold, and I love everyone. At least I used to, until my heart was trampled on by a few so-called "friends" who claimed to have loved me. Whatever, that's what I say.

But I really believe, behind my depression and self-consciousness I am a good person, and I can be fun. He and I always had fun when we were together - we are both so unique and different from everyone else that we just seemed to enjoy the seemingly pointless things we did to have fun. But those days are gone - boy those days are gone.

We are different people. We are growing further apart, and we live so very far apart. But there is SOMETHING, yes something, that keeps us attached - like a thin golden string - deceivingly delicate and appearing to break any moment, but inside, it's made of solid metal. We can go for months not talking to each other yet we'll pick up right where we left off when we communicate again. We can not know anything about the other's personal life as of recent yet still know each other's souls. He has not only become my family, but a part of me. And even when I feel sad or depressed, or he has hurt me in some way, when I am with him, I am whole. I am complete.

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