Jul 25, 2001

***NOTE: for now on I will only be showing the last 10 posts. I will try to get an archive set up, but I'm at work now, so it will have to wait.***

I wish I had more time to just jot (or in this case type) down my thoughts. I used to almost religiously keep a journal when I was young, but in 1995, when my life started to fall apart (a.k.a began to be REAL) I didn't want to share many of my thoughts.

And I'm at work now so it's not like I can say much. But what am I thinking about right now? Well, for one thing, work - I don' t want to stay until 6:30 today when I hardly have anything to do as it is. And next week we're taking Cristina to Niagra Falls, and I'm supposed to take of Wed-Fri, which will be hard, because I'm still in the middle of my probationary period here at work (until Nov 21) and only have 3.5 days of vacation time until then. I'm kind of hoping to save it for when I go to Rome in October.

So that means comp time. And comp time means working later, or working Saturdays, or whatever. Which, at this current moment, is hard because 1) I have a guest and 2) I don't have a lot of work to do (i.e. projects). So I'm kind of frustrated.

I'm also thinking about my future. I've been doing that a lot lately. I have three more classes until I graduate, which I will have to juggle with work this upcoming semester (and I have to stay above half time in order to continue having benefits). But when I'm done, then what? I have a job, but do I want my own apartment? Can I afford it? I make good money, especially for a single woman, but it doesn't seem to go very far, at least the first few paychecks haven't been. The government takes 1/4 of my check, that's usually around $400 every pay period! And then pay tithing above that? Plus bills, car payment, prescriptions....it's almost too much. Of course, I also have been supporting two people this summer (since I changed from 40% to working 90% of the time) and that may be why I feel I don't have much money, I dunno. I have plenty, I'm not broke, don't get me wrong, it just makes me wonder if I can afford living alone:)

I also have been thinking about marriage. I am 25, and my biological clock is ticking. I want to be a mother so badly. (Not that I feel I'm ready for that, but it is what I want to do) but before that I want to be married. I sometimes wonder if the promises that were given to me will be fulfilled. So far they have - my life has been one big blessing and miracle, and I would be an idiot not to recognize God's hand in that. He has kept every promise He has made to me so far, and I, in turn, am trying to do the same. But I am so impatient, and sometimes my life seems to be going the opposite direction of what I ever intended, and my goals seem to be drifting farther and farther away from my reach. I am more open-minded now, and I realize that sometimes it isn't the destination, but how you get there that counts (as "Miguel" says, it's not what you do necessarily, but HOW you do it). I want a temple marriage. Being a faithful Latter-Day Saint (although some might disagree with me, but who are they to judge? They cannot see inside of my heart) I recognize the necessity in that. I know its true. But something has crossed my mind that has never been there before - what if it didn't start out that way? I decided that I would do what I could to do what's right for me in my life, and I recognize the importance of making my own choices and learning from them, but I also will heed to the still small voice and if I am encouraged to "stray" from the traditional path that most young Mormons take, well then, so be it. I never even considered doing this before, but then again, we are all different and unique, and maybe God's plan for me is a bit different than it is for others. At the very least, if my goals are righteous, I will reach them eventually, but the way I do it may differ from what most people would consider "correct". It doesn't matter what most ppl think, though - it's something that's between God and me (and my future husband, of course). But I will NOT let passion or self-interest conflict with my righteous desires, as so many people do, unfortunately. (I'm just stating a fact here, NOT making a judgement).

I better go now. Work is calling (although I don't know what I will do until 6:30).

Jul 20, 2001

Ok, I edited the names. So everything is back on. I got an email from someone who actually was reading my blogs, so I guess they aren't for nothing, after all. It's nice to know I'm not the only person out there who enjoys learning about other people's lives, when they want to share it:)

Jul 3, 2001

I am temporarily turning this off. Nobody reads it anyway but me, but just in case, I don't want to upset anyone. I will edit the content and remove names in those more private entries. Personally I would tell the world anything it wanted to know about myself because I don't care but I need to respect the privacy of others.

Thanks for your patience.