Dec 12, 2001

Well, it's my 26th birthday. Whoop-de-doo. It wasn't bad or anything, just the typical adult birthday where nothing spectacular happens. But at least this year I'm mature enough to NOT expect anything other than the few people I care about most remember the date. And of course they don't all remember, typical typical. Oh well.

Did you read the poem in my last entry? Well, I can't speak for anyone else, obviously, but that is EXACTLY how I feel. Read this passage again:

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.


Well, Señor, let me tell you something. Read the poem below. I have no problem recognizing love. It IS a risk. Sidstepping it isn't going to make things better. Ignoring the truth won't either. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. But when you truly love someone, you look past that. You don't just think about yourself and your feelings but also those of the person you love. You love them despite what they do. You love them because of who they are. You want to share your existence with that person, You feel incomplete without them. You are willing to go through pain and torture and even death to protect that person, and ensure their happiness. You throw all caution and logic to the wind and devout yourself to that person. You see each other as equals. You don't CARE what other people think about your relationship, not even your own family. You DO and you FEEL and you SAY what you think, what you need to do and feel and say, and while yes you need to be aware of the rest of your life and keep an EVEN balance between the intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological, there is NO PROBLEM is sometimes casting all logic aside just to live a little and enjoy love. Because love IS what makes the world go around, love IS supposed to be all of the 5 things above, intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological - love IS, in essence, that super-natural power that I believe is God. As say the scriptures. For those who do not believe in God, you may find that deity to be someone or something else, but can you argue that love is behind whichever deity you pledge your loyalty to?

Anyway,

Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

Well, it DOES hurt. But what can I do? I can tell him over and over again that I love him and need him and need to be a part of him, but if he is unwilling to accept that, I can't do anything about it. I don't know why he told me a long time ago that he knew things about our future, as I said I did, and that I needed to wait until he figured things out and experienced life a bit more. Well, I've been waiting and am pretty sick of it. He has been doing exactly what I wish I could do - get on with my life and keep him in the back of my mind. But how can I even think about dating someone else when I love someone so much?

I am not a desperate fanatic. I'm not loca. I'm just a girl who loves a boy and wants him to love her. How can I change my heart? How can I ignore those feelings? The few times I have dated other people I felt like I was cheating on my own heart. And I hated the way I felt.

So what am I supposed to do? I love you, I always will. I have the kind of love for you that most people only HOPE for. And yet you fail to see what I can offer you, what I am willing to give you. If I only had someone who loved me half as much as I love you, I'd feel extremely lucky and blessed. If only that person was you.

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