Dec 8, 2002

Well, I went out on a date last night and it was fun! We went to this thing called ComedySportz (after eating out--Mexican..I love Mexican) which is a group of students ( think) who do improv, kind of like Whose Line Is It Anyway? It was pretty funny. The last time I've been to anything like that was the Garrens at BYU back in, ummm, I think 1994? So it's been awhile. But I love comedy, especially comedy that keeps itself out of the toilet (which it did!) and it helped me to leave my worries behind for awhile and just kick back and have fun, and get to know more about the three other people who I went with. It was nice. I also decided this weekend that I was going to stop being so darn serious about things. Man, I can become overly enthusiastic about things, that's for sure. It's hard keeping myself inline and controlled, though..especially when I'm so excited about something (or someone) and haven't felt this way in a long, long time. But at the same time all of a sudden all these opportunities present themselves, and I've been dating like I never have in my life. I was never a big dater -- always too serious about relationships to be so casual. But it's like I finally made a decision in September to get out of the slump I was in and forget that man, and that hope, that has, basically, plagued me for so long...and suddenly my life is different, men notice me once again, and my smiles are seen much more often than not. Plus I'm getting ready to take out my endowments (I'm hoping for January) and realizing that it really isn't a tired old cliche when they say that service really does help you forget yourself and your problems.

However, it is the perfect time for service and I want to do something great this year for someone, and I don't know what and don't know how. Once again I've found myself wrapped up in worries about my birthday...I have no idea why I still take it so seriously after 27 years...for crying out loud I'm an adult and I don't need every last person who knows me to remember and to make a big deal of it...it sometimes makes me wonder why that is so vitally important to me. And why I get my expectations up so high all the time. It's not like I had traumatic birthdays in my childhood or anything....maybe it's just that somewhere deep inside of me I'm craving attention and love, or so Freud would say....right?? Who knows. Well, I'm no different from anyone else really...aren't we all craving love? Wanting to cease that aching loneliness that sometimes, or more often, seems to plague our hearts? It's the human condition. But then we let life interfere. It's such a silly, silly game and a sad one but we keep playing it. We really have no choice, though - life happens, we can't avoid it. So if we want love in our life, we have to find a way to work it in amongst everything else that is taking up our time, our minds, our priorities...and that's a tough thing to do.

Nov 15, 2002

I really am starting to gain a strong testimony on the law of tithing! Heavenly Father has blessed me so much lately. In the past week alone, he has helped me to basically 'rid' of two liabilities that have been causing financial stress -- 1) we finally found a roommate, so my rent will be $90 cheaper a month, plus she will be paying a third of the utilities, so my share will go down as well. 2) Dad was in dire straits and needed a co-signer for a 92 Grand Prix, instead I sold him the 98 Saturn SL I have been trying to get rid of for the past year! He's picking it up on Saturday from Mom. I had to take a loss, I sold it at blue book price (I still owe some on it) but I guess it's ok, considering that I'm selling it for $4800, I bought it for $5000 (of course when I bought it Kelly Blue Book said it was worth almost $8000, and that was only a year and a half ago). I owe $5360 but I did end up re-financing it for an additional $1500 so that I had that money as a down payment on my current car. So I really can't complain. I lost $200 plus some interest. And it's a great car, I think Dad will be pleased with it - I'm glad that I could help him in his crisis and that he could turn around and help me!

So this will free up like $275 a month for me. More than half of that will have to go to paying off my student loans, starting in Jan, but I'm hoping the rest of it I can put on my credit cards, and get those paid off. I really want to be debt-free. I realize the student loans might take awhile, but if I can get the credit cards paid off and then I have about 4 more years left on my new car (and if I can start paying additional on that, it would be great too, even though interest is minimal) I'm hoping that in 5 years I'll be debt-free except for my student loans. In the meantime, I have to take care of my car. The warranty is good for 3 years or 36,000 miles, so it will be about 2 years of no warranty, but if I take care of it repair costs should be minimal. I guess we'll see...

But life is good. Life is really good. Even my fears, my self-doubt, my depression...even those things won't be able to take away the happiness I have had. Yeah, those fears creep up now and then, and I constantly worry about getting in over my head in any endeavor, relationship, etc...but I also realize that a life without risk is a life not worth living. And when I say risk, I'm talking about healthy risks, of course. I have my standards and nothing will make me stray from them, but within those standards and moral ideas I need to branch out, reach for the stars, and go for it:)

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for everything you have been doing for me! Thank you for sending me new friends and new people in my life who make it all the better! I hope I can turn around and serve and love these very people, and of course, serve and love my God as well.

Nov 13, 2002

Ok, what do I want to do??? I got a great idea from Keith last night when we went to a home buyer's seminar. What we need in Madison is a nice, big home that we use sort of like a compound (think, Facts of Life) where 6 or more people could live. It would be lots of fun for LDS single students, that's for sure! I'd love to be able to buy a house that has like 3 or 4 bedrooms and do that.

I also really want to to start this exchange program. I decided I don't want to go back to school - I can still keep learning without paying the price. I owe too much as it is and I want to get that debt down; I certainly do not need to add to it. And the only way I could really afford Graduate School is if I had some sort of GA or TA position, and to do that, I'd have to quit my job or at least greatly reduce my hours, and my pocketbook simply cannot afford that.

I guess I'm at a crossroads in my life right now; I'm at a place where anything new can happen and there is nothing holding me back. I could move anywhere, work anywhere...and because of the uncertainty with my current job, I might just have to do that if all else fails. I can start a whole new life, and yes I can do it here in Madison, but I can do it somewhere else, too.

Maybe I can start this exchange program idea as a company and then later in life turn it into a non profit organization (or create a npo that works WITH it), but I need the expertise to know what to do. I'd need lawyers, accountants, educators, host families, liasons with universities and schools; I mean, it's a big job. Well, hopefully someday when I marry my husband will want to help me with it - that would be awesome:)

Oct 24, 2002

I'm not in a good mood today. Well, I'm the mood queen, so I guess that isn't so surprising, but I think I lost my extra headphones and remote to my iPod, which I just bought and spent $40 for. I'm mad about that - not that $40 is much, but right now it is because I am broke. I paid all my bills and I'm broke. I think I'm going to have to start doing what Mr. Kiyosaki says in his book Rich Dad Poor Dad, and pay myself first (and my tithing). I don't know how, but the fact that if I actually can get this prototype right for Mike and then have some work on the side, my cash flow will increase and allow me to do so. But my creative juices must not be flowing too well these past days, because I can't seem to get it right. And I don't have the luxury of lots of extra time to play around with it, either.

Then on top of that I'm so confused. I'm a woman, and I over-analyze everything, yes I know that (no one has to tell me). Suddenly all these feelings and whatever are starting to stir within me, and it's hard, because I'm so used to being independent, alone, and, of course, depressed, that all of this good stuff that is happening is kind of hard to digest. I mean I'm not complaining! However, I don't want to rush into anything or force anyone else to rush into anything, and I don't want to misread signals or scare anyone away. But what am I supposed to do with these new-found emotions and ideas that are suddenly inside of me? I try burying them but sometimes they get ahold of me and I can't think about anything else. Everything inside me is screaming to not think so much and to just jump in, head first. I have to constantly check myself, not overreact, not suffocate the other person, etc...but it's in my nature to be very emotional and express those emotions. Hell, anyone who has known me over the past decade knows I have become so much better in that department - it's like a miracle transformation, but I still have things to work on. And although I know I'm quite a catch (I'm not trying to be arrogant, it's just the truth, plain and simple) there is part of me deep down that keeps telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not 'cool' enough, I over-do this or that..., part of me is too needy, part of me is not needy enough, etc.

I think it's has been established that I don't need anyone in my life - I can do just fine alone. God decided that was something I had to learn to do, so I have, and I do quite well. I am like my mother that way. But the difference between my mother and I is that while she doesn't WANT anyone significant in her life, I do. As the scripture says, "two are better than one"....and I humbly admit that is true. So if I have the chance to escape the singledom and independence that I have right now, and my heart says go for it, I will, although there is a lot I will miss. But so rare does an opportunity arise, and I have been learning how to recognize these opportunities. Now with that recognition, and with my logic and with my heart I can make good choices, and I'll have to trust myself that I can do that.

Oct 22, 2002

All I can say is...HOLY CRAP! You wouldn't think life could get any better, but it has! Reid sent some URL's of sites I've done to his boss, and his boss called me yesterday, and wants me to work on 2 prototypes (of the front page) of 2 clients they have. If he likes the work (and I'm assuming as well if the client likes it) he has much more that I can do! This is so exciting....now the ball is in my court but I am determined to wow their socks off. I am becoming increasingly unhappy at my current job, because of the lack of pay and the fact that to be reclassified I have to basically start all over. But this, on the side, will dramatically help my income.

So, once I steadily build upon that income, and get rid of my liabilities (such as my 2nd car, for instance) I can start with some financial planning, investment, etc. I am currently reading Rich Dad Poor Dad, by Robert T. Kiyosaki, and it has been the most enlightening thing I have read in years! (yes, even better than any textbook). I can't wait to continue on my progression of financial awareness. I actually formed a lump in my throat today, when I was reading it during lunch, and I cried, yes tears came to my eyes, as I realized that my future is no longer looking bland and cold.

So, the last several weeks have been raining blessings from God upon me. What have I learned? Well:

1. I am a very attractive woman, who has been getting quite a LOT of male attention these days (still a mystery to me!!)

2. I am a very intelligent woman, who deserves better than she has

3. I may owe lots of money, but I can get out of the RAT RACE

4. I really DO love to serve! As home evening leader, and now as a mentor to a young woman from Mexico

5. I can finally try to close the door on that past relationship that has haunted and plagued me for 7 years. He made his choice, and he has to lie in his bed, and I'm really getting close to the point where I don't care. He doesn't want to listen to what the Lord has to say, then well FINE. There are better men out there, and a certain one that I'm currently dating is quite the catch:)

6. I am becoming a better and better person each day - and didn't even think it was possible that such happiness could come to me as it has these past few weeks.

I am so excited about my life right now. I have not been this happy in over 7 years! The fact that I finally decided to let go and follow the words and commandments of the Lord has certainly a lot to do with it. He is blessing me beyond my wildest dreams, and of that I will forever be grateful.

Oct 21, 2002

Ok so I'm an open book:) But I just had the greatest weekend I have had in a long time, even though we didn't get to do everything we wanted to do, and some mishaps occured. Like...I broke the fish tank by running into it with either my hip or my fist (I really don't know which!) - lucky there was another one, a 20 gal...but a 20 gal to house 2 fish? Anyway, Reid was such a great guy and helped me clean up the mess and transport the fish from one tank to the other:) Then we went to the dance that night, only to find out (to our dismay) that it was a ho-down! So we ended up playing Yahtzee until it ended.

The next day we went to church, came home and discovered that Beau decided to leave a little present for Reid...he urinated all over his grey microfiber shirt, the one I liked so much! I'm not sure what posessed Beau to do that! Unless he's scared, he doesn't go out of the litter box. And it had to be him (not Vader) because there was sooo much of it. I was so embarassed. Reid was a good sport and just bagged it up and took it with him, but I couldn't believe my cat did that! I mean, Reid accidentally stepped on him on Fri - and Beau generally doesn't like men, period, but this is ridiculous! My friend suggested that perhaps it was because it had Reid's scent on it - another male in the house, and Beau was doing what was natural - marking his territory. Teehee...it is kinda funny, but I was still upset with Beau. But I guess he can't help it:)

Anyway, I was just so impressed with Reid. He was ever the gentleman. When he got to my apartment he found that he was in the company of four women; one who had just broken up with her boyfriend and was crying, the other who was bored and didn't expect her husband to be back until late, and then Laurie and I. He took it in stride. We all went bowling, and the man paid for all of us, bought us sodas, and even food. What a sweetheart! What can I say? He really is. And soooooo funny - my sister told me she thought he was hilarious. He has an excellent sense of humor, and it brought smiles to my face every minute of the day:)

Well, now that I shared my wonderful weekend, I better get back to work. I just feel so blessed lately in my life, like everything is falling into place, I'm finally have fun and enjoying my present, and it is such a wonderful feeling.

Oct 15, 2002

I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in today. I mean it's a good day, and I'm excited that I get to be in Times Square for New Year's Eve. Not that I'm this great partier...but I've always wanted to have a really FUN New Year's Eve, and I found round-trip tickets for like $145! It's the hotel that will be expensive, but it's worth it. I haven't been to NYC since the towers fell, and I want to pay my respects as well.

I have pretty much finished my Halloween costume. Sexy Angel, that's me:) Well, not too sexy - I will be wearing it to a church-related event so I have to work on the neckline a bit. But anyway, it's great:)

I had to take Vader into the vet again because she seemed to 'open' her stitches and there was a discharge. Well, I guess I worry too much because she was fine, and very happy when I removed the ace bandage from around her middle:)

I went on a date last Fri, we went to a cello concert (it was supposed to be a dance concert but those tickets were sold out). It was beautiful music, and the celloist had an accompanying pianist and also a clarinetist, which I was able to fully enjoy, knowing very well how difficult the pieces he played had to be! My problem with the clarinet (when I played it) was my fingers always locking up. You really need to have good fingers to play that thing, especially how he played it.

Not much else...we had tons of fun at Home Evening last night, because we had it at Bishop Hasler's house. They (he and his wife) were so wonderful...they gave us each prizes, trick-or-treat bags of candy, carmel apples and apple cider. It was great getting to know everyone better, and to see that people are genuinely happy in the group. Brian and I were so happy that we had a major turn out last night (normally at max we have like 8 people show up on Mondays at the institute). Brian was like, "I think we should have HE here every week!" The bishop also has a hot tub, and I guess my sister was supposed to tell me to tell everyone else to bring a suit along for afterwards. Well she forgot to tell me, and I didn't tell anyone else, and those who knew about it thought it was a joke, but they were totally serious:) They had cleaned it out and everything for us. To me it's no big deal, because we have a hot tub at the clubhouse, but some people don't have those luxuries every day...:)

Well, I better get back to work - an hour to go. I'm tired of it but what else can I do - this is my life! But only for now:)

Oct 9, 2002

Laura's (almost) finished costume! Wow, sometimes I impress myself:) Now off to read Rich Dad, Poor Dad.....


Oct 8, 2002

Well, I got the overdress down for Laura's medieval princess costume, which is good. Sometimes I amaze myself - didn't think I would ever be able to sew something like that. But it is really cute, and once we get the trim on there it will look quite regal.

Tomorrow I have to take Vader in to be spayed. I know they do this all the time, but I still worry. She's my baby, and I don't want anything happening to her! So of course I'm paying for the extra tests and what-not that will make sure she doesn't have any adverse reactions to anesthesia or whatever. We have to drop her off in Verona at 7:30, and then I can pick her up after my chiropractic appointment - around 4. In the meantime, I will be working from home. I also won't be going to institute tomorrow night because I have to watch her and 'baby' her, but that's ok:)

We think Vader is a chantilly cat. She is almost chocolate brown (especially in her rear quarters) and has the delicate facial features of a chantilly. Not to mention her little trills and chirps...she's so cute! I never regret once getting her. Yeah, I may have her for 20 years, but they will be certainly 20 years full of joy.

Let's see, what else...well I feel calmer about a lot of things. For one my job: well, the way I see it, I'm the most qualified. Plus everyone at the office loves my work, including my boss. I'm easy to get along with and work very well independently and also in a group situation. I've started some project management and that is also a bonus skill to add to my growing number of them. My graphic design is getting better, and my scripting (javascript) is most definitely getting better!

I'm in one of those moods where I want to be rebellious, or off-the-wall. I don't know what - I never act on these impulses, but I'm pretty sick of being a goody-good. Ok, so I recently did act spontaneously and did something I wouldn't normally do, but that is where the fun is:) And I certainly don't regret it. But I need more spontaneity in my life, more fun, and certainly less seriousness. I totally want to spice up my social life, I want to travel more, and I want to just get behind the wheel of my car and DRIVE. I want to go on a road trip, a short one or long one I don't care....but I'm really in the mood for it. Sunglasses, a Diet Coke, great music, great conversation....that's what I REALLY want right now. Just to DO something without a care in the world - leave everything behind me and go off on an adventure.
My "new" favorite quote: "There are very few personal problems that can't be fixed by an adequate amount of high explosives. "--- anonymous

Ok, so I really overreacted yesterday. It happens once in awhile. I'm only human. And unfortunately I'm a human who may be a little too open and honest, and a little too passionate about things. Yeah, I wear my heart on my sleeve, even though I'm smart enough to know better! But what's a spaz-queen supposed to do other than continually work to improve upon herself?

I really do understand things, and get little nuances, but most of the time I choose to ignore them. It's not that I'm stupid and don't recognize them - but I have found that it's better to ignore them because if I really took into consideration and analyzed every little thing, I'd go nuts and drive the people around me nuts. But hey, I've gotten better.

Today is a glorious day. I went to bed at 9 and I actually should do that more often. I woke up at 6:15 and felt good. I enjoyed the walk from my car to the office - I love these crisp, cold autumn mornings. I contemplated how I reacted yesterday to various people and feel shameful (well, except about my so-called Spanish friend...he deserved to be told exactly what he was told. He has to grow up and stop using me as his scapegoat, expecting every time that I allow him to do so just because I don't want him to get mad at me). I'm a patient person; it took me 7 years to finally decide what was worth it; feeding his ego or doing what was the healthiest for ME for once, and tell him exactly what he has done to me and made me feel like all these years. But in regards to other people, well, I offer my sincerest apologies. My emotions concerning my so-called friend mixed with the uncertainty that's going on with my job, well, it went over the line, and my sanity plummeted for a little bit. These things happen. And while I feel really bad about overreacting, or spazing out, I don't want to keep hitting myself on the head and worrying about it too much. It was just unfortunate timing, that's all. Yeah, this happens to me sometimes, and I don't want to hide it, but that doesn't mean I am not trying my damndest to work on it.

Anyway, today is a new day and I'm going to pretend yesterday didn't happen, and I hope everyone else who had to deal with me yesterday can overlook the unfortunate circumstances they may have found themselves to be in because of me. Today I have a clean slate and a fresh start, and I'm determined to make it the best day of my life so far. Attitude is the key:)

Oct 7, 2002

I'm just going to put this succinctly...I had the best time of my life on Saturday!!! Seriously, it was one of the best dates I've ever been on. I don't want to use names, but he knows who he is, and he has gotta know he is a hottie, and quite the gentleman:) I just wanted to publicly say THANKS for making me feel better than I have felt in years!

Sep 30, 2002

Isn't it funny how things can turn around suddenly, and life seems to do a 180? I have been miserable for so long, and I knew what I had to do even though I wasn't ready to do it. And the Lord answers prayers, of that I am certain. He has answered so many in the last few weeks that I'd feel so ungrateful if I didn't recognize the fact. But somehow, suddenly, I have made several new friends, one who I am certain now will be a lifetime, or eternal friend. I am so grateful that the Lord hasn't forgotten me while I've wasted away much time worrying about things I cannot change. I've had to learn to put it in His hands and go on with my life in a way that would be pleasing unto Him and definitely to myself. I've always been striving to be a better person - I have always thought this was one goal every person should have in life. Make yourself better. Educate yourself. Reach out to others. Love a little (or a lot). Hurt a little (or a lot). Do new things. The happiness that I have been taught my whole life was indeed right in front of me! The gospel! We now have a singles ward (for those non-LDS, that means a "mass" set up specifically for single adults between the ages of 18 and 30). My attendance to my meetings before this ward formed wasn't so great, now I'm excited to be there. They gave me a very important leadership role and suddenly a big responsibility has fallen into my lap - and it's exactly what I needed! I needed so desperately to be needed, and here I am. It is exhilirating, to tell you the truth. To once again open up to others, and to serve others and not be so selfish and concerned about myself. It has brought great joy and love to my life!

Well, I could ramble on!!! But I won't. I'm just very happy right now, and so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the wonderful blessings he continues to shower upon me, as undeserving as I can be sometimes.

Aug 12, 2002

Hey, I was thinking this weekend and the words to a song from the early 80's kept coming back to my head..."The Search is Over" by Survivor. I think the words were in my head because it is such a beautiful song, and a song that really is personal to me (now that I've downloaded it and finally listened to it for the first time in like 20 years). I hope someday to hear those very words.....

To download it and view lyrics, go to The Search is Over

Jul 29, 2002

I can't believe it!!!! My baby kitty, the one I brought home last month, (his picture is on my website, even) the one I named Vader....IS A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now tell me, how can a vet possibly mess that up? And how come I didn't check?

Well, it doesn't matter, I still love HER very very much...she's my princess now, and her name is Vader Belle...I'll call her Vadie at times as well. The home from where we adopted her was unfortunately burnt down a week or so ago. I just learned yesterday. All of Sue's animals (except the dog, who got away) died. How very very tragic. I would be so crushed...and she is such a sweet lady. I hope that things will work out for her and her husband and that they can get back on their feet soon again.

Jun 26, 2002

Not much to say. I've been dabbling a bit more in artwork (like the abstract painting over my bed or the abstract table I painted). This one is in my area of expertise, though - graphic design.

It's something I made in remembrance of a long lost love. You know how you never forget them, no matter what happens. Well he was my first and so far the only man I ever did love. And this is in remembrance of a beautiful relationship that ended, simply, because we were too young.

in rememberance

May 17, 2002

Right at this very second Cristina and Heath are in the Chicago temple, being married for time and eternity. At first when she told me about this whole marriage thing, I was very skeptical. She had proposed to Heath over the phone, while she was in Spain, without even knowing him that long. Their "love", once she was here, seemed artificial and almost forced. It was really weird.

But things have developed for the both of them, and I truly think this is right. I have a gift of knowing these things (about other people, anyway, not necessarily about myself) - I can almost always tell, especially in LDS relationships (but not limited to) when a relationship is "right" between two people. Sometimes I can even forsee their future together. Such as Christine and Ahlan - even before she would acknowledge him as more than a friend, I knew those two were destined to be together for eternity. Jenny and Jared - as much as Jenny hurt me and everything, I could still tell that they were meant for each other. Even Jackie and Joe seem to fit like that. Other people as well.

And I'm glad to say Heath and Cristina are in the same place. I was afraid they wouldn't be. I was afraid she was in love with the "idea" of love and not in love with him. But they will turn out just fine.

So I wonder when it will happen for me. I can't help but wonder. I trust people less and less. I try my hardest to always do the right thing. Anyway....

Apr 15, 2002

Well I decided to move this to my "new" server. In the meantime I'm trying to create a guestbook in Flash using Cold Fusion. We'll see....
Anyway, I'm not up to much. Still trying to decide if I want to start investing, and in what. I've been learning to play the guitar. I can now pick out all the notes, and I'm starting on the chords. Man, chords are difficult! I really wish they were as easy as the notes....
Should I buy a villa in Alcossebre, Spain? Right now prices are so cheap. It would be a great investment. But I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. I can get financing in Spain, but I'd have to come up with a 30% down payment. That's at least going to be around $10,000 dollars. And I owe enough money for school and my car...
Anyway. There's not too much to say, but things are going. I had a pretty good day. I got to talk to Olvia, and also Moises logged on to MSN Messenger and we got to chat for awhile. How I wish I was back in Puerto Rico!!!!!!!!!!!1

Apr 4, 2002

Puerto Rico was great! I got a great tan, lying on the beaches of the Carribean and the Atlantic. Talk about gorgeous, crystal-clear water! We even went horseback riding on the beach. I really love Puerto Rico. It was like a combination of my two favorite places in the world: the USA and Spain. It was so gorgeous. Talk about awesome - hiking through the Yunque (the rain forest) tanning on the beaches, visiting old Spanish fortresses, going out on a boat on the ocean....and seeing Olvia! Not to mention meeting some great new people:)

I decided that I'm going to take the Foreign Services Written Examination on Sept 21st of this year. I think I know what I want to do with my life. I have a great job right now, but I didn't go to school and get a BA in Spanish for no reason. Web and graphic design is fascinating and a great hobby, but not what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. What I want to do is become a Foreign Service Officer with a career in Public Diplomacy. I have several examinations, background checks, etc to go through before I could get a job, and studying for the written examination, but it sounds fascinating, and incorporates everything I want to do. Not to mention that most FSO's spend at least 60% of their career overseas! Perhaps I could be an officer based in Europe (Spain!). The best part is, if I pass this examination I don't have to go on and get another degree. But I might anyway, in International Relations, because the starting pay will be higher with the more degrees that I have. But even if I start with just a Bachelor's, the starting pay is a thousand more than I'm making now. So I wouldn't take a cut in pay.

I'm excited. I've been very unhappy with my life for awhile now and not understanding why, because I am so very blessed. But marriage and children are not my calling right now, so I might as well do something that interests me and allows me to serve and help others in the best way I know how.

So, I'm going to be a FOREIGN SERVICES OFFICER! A diplomat! WOW! :)

Mar 13, 2002

Ok, so I didn't win it. I am a smart girl but was taken advantage of. I'm in the processing of MAKING HELL for Diamond Holidays. Just remember folks, nothing is free in this world.

I'm still going to the Bahamas, but in July on a REAL cruise. So much travelling this year! In a week and a half Laura and I are going to Puerto Rico to visit our wonderful friend Olvia :) I think it's going to be so much fun! I just hope it isn't too hot....

Cristina is here now. I picked her up from O'Hare last Friday. Jess and Laura came along. We went out to eat downtown at Ed Debevics. Love that restaurant! I was upset on Sat and Sun though because Cristina spent the entire weekend with Heath, but I have to keep reminding myself she's not here to visit me this time, she's here to get married. I'll have to see it as more like another roommate than anything. She and Heath might buy my 98 Saturn, which is good. I offered it to a dear friend of mine a while ago as a special gift, but he didn't want it, so.....maybe this was meant to be. Heath had to give his car to his mother anyway so they don't have a car. Right now they are kind of "renting" it for 3 months but hopefully they will buy it.

What else? Not much. We put a loft above my bed so now we have 3 people in our small room, it's kind of funny, actually, but at least this way the futon in the living room can stay as a couch (Cristina goes to sleep early) and we can do whatever we need to do out there.

I'm still not a very happy person, but I'm surviving. I know no one who reads this knows what I'm referring to, but that's ok, these blogs are more for my own eyes anyway. My journal, so to say. When I look back on it 20 years from now (which reminds me I have to somehow download this stuff) I'll know what I'm referring to. I'm a strong, independent woman. I'm doing what needs to be done. I'm doing my best at being a good person and showing love towards others. I have become bitter and cynical over the years, I realize that, but I am trying with all my might not to let that overcome the loving, friendly person that is inside. The one who loves without fear, the one who truly cares about people and the world we live in, the one who knows all the pain and heartache I have suffered in my life is worth it, because it is making me a better person, one who can help others with their trials. THIS is what I have to remember.

Mar 8, 2002

Yeah, I won a trip to the Bahamas!!!! I signed up randomly at West Towne Mall to win a Mercury Mountaineer (I love my car but I could sell anything I won, right?) Anyway, they haven't had the drawing for the SUV yet but I won a trip to the Bahamas, all the same:) I'm very excited about it!

Feb 25, 2002

Not much to say, except that I'm really looking forward to going to Puerto Rico at the end of next month, during Spring Break:) Well, I no longer have Spring Break because I'm no longer a student, but hey, that's ok:)

Oh, and most of my last entries, ignore them. My obsession is over. I finally feel free. I'm not saying my heart has changed, but I've changed quite a bit in the last three weeks. And for the better.

Okies, what else? I received my diploma in the mail last week:) Finally, it's official:) I had my graduation party this weekend, and my family bought me an iPod! It is the coolest thing in the world - I already have 77 songs on it. Firewire is so awesome, it uploads really super fast. The slow part is getting tracks from my CD's or downloading MP3's from Limewire. I'm going to buy an FM transmitter today so that I can use it in the car, yes!

I also bought a Sony Vaio laptop. In my line of business, it's necessary to have both PC and Mac. So now I have 3 computers. I actually like the PC alright - it has Windows XP and Bahman, a friend of mine who sold it to me, left on all of his previous software so that I didn't have to go buy any of it. It has like 800 a MHZ processor, 256MB ram, 15 GB hard drive, DVD-ROM, Pentium III Processor....it's like a year old but definitely good enough for me. It was a higher end Vaio when they came out. The screen is bigger than my iBook so that is nice, too.

I think I might have a buyer for my car, and I really hope so because insurance premiums are due on Mar 6th. Anyway, Cristina and Heath might buy it, cause he had to give his car to his mother.

Yes, that's right, my friend Cristina is getting married, possibly as soon as April 6th. I just found out yesterday. Well, she and Heath have been talking about it but he was waiting for mission papers, and they were planning on it for 3 years down the road. (Heath is from Madison, I met him here at church institute). They are actually pretty darn good for each other. Anyway, he was told that he wasn't supposed to serve a mission, so he called her up and said, "let's do it!". Anyway, kind of an emergency place to stay, I am again offering my futon to Cristina until she gets married (or goes back to Spain, I'm not sure how the green card process works). It will be fun having her around, and it is so wonderful to see these miracles happen to my friends, and to see how everything just works out right for them. I just wish I would have such miracles in my life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, mind you, I am very blessed and finally happier about that, but it's just another one of my friends who is getting married and won't need me anymore. I really am one of the last ones, and that hurts. But I can't do much about that. I don't even have anyone in my life, and my heart isn't exactly ready for anyone yet, anyway.

So I will continue on...as I should.