Oct 24, 2002

I'm not in a good mood today. Well, I'm the mood queen, so I guess that isn't so surprising, but I think I lost my extra headphones and remote to my iPod, which I just bought and spent $40 for. I'm mad about that - not that $40 is much, but right now it is because I am broke. I paid all my bills and I'm broke. I think I'm going to have to start doing what Mr. Kiyosaki says in his book Rich Dad Poor Dad, and pay myself first (and my tithing). I don't know how, but the fact that if I actually can get this prototype right for Mike and then have some work on the side, my cash flow will increase and allow me to do so. But my creative juices must not be flowing too well these past days, because I can't seem to get it right. And I don't have the luxury of lots of extra time to play around with it, either.

Then on top of that I'm so confused. I'm a woman, and I over-analyze everything, yes I know that (no one has to tell me). Suddenly all these feelings and whatever are starting to stir within me, and it's hard, because I'm so used to being independent, alone, and, of course, depressed, that all of this good stuff that is happening is kind of hard to digest. I mean I'm not complaining! However, I don't want to rush into anything or force anyone else to rush into anything, and I don't want to misread signals or scare anyone away. But what am I supposed to do with these new-found emotions and ideas that are suddenly inside of me? I try burying them but sometimes they get ahold of me and I can't think about anything else. Everything inside me is screaming to not think so much and to just jump in, head first. I have to constantly check myself, not overreact, not suffocate the other person, etc...but it's in my nature to be very emotional and express those emotions. Hell, anyone who has known me over the past decade knows I have become so much better in that department - it's like a miracle transformation, but I still have things to work on. And although I know I'm quite a catch (I'm not trying to be arrogant, it's just the truth, plain and simple) there is part of me deep down that keeps telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not 'cool' enough, I over-do this or that..., part of me is too needy, part of me is not needy enough, etc.

I think it's has been established that I don't need anyone in my life - I can do just fine alone. God decided that was something I had to learn to do, so I have, and I do quite well. I am like my mother that way. But the difference between my mother and I is that while she doesn't WANT anyone significant in her life, I do. As the scripture says, "two are better than one"....and I humbly admit that is true. So if I have the chance to escape the singledom and independence that I have right now, and my heart says go for it, I will, although there is a lot I will miss. But so rare does an opportunity arise, and I have been learning how to recognize these opportunities. Now with that recognition, and with my logic and with my heart I can make good choices, and I'll have to trust myself that I can do that.

Oct 22, 2002

All I can say is...HOLY CRAP! You wouldn't think life could get any better, but it has! Reid sent some URL's of sites I've done to his boss, and his boss called me yesterday, and wants me to work on 2 prototypes (of the front page) of 2 clients they have. If he likes the work (and I'm assuming as well if the client likes it) he has much more that I can do! This is so exciting....now the ball is in my court but I am determined to wow their socks off. I am becoming increasingly unhappy at my current job, because of the lack of pay and the fact that to be reclassified I have to basically start all over. But this, on the side, will dramatically help my income.

So, once I steadily build upon that income, and get rid of my liabilities (such as my 2nd car, for instance) I can start with some financial planning, investment, etc. I am currently reading Rich Dad Poor Dad, by Robert T. Kiyosaki, and it has been the most enlightening thing I have read in years! (yes, even better than any textbook). I can't wait to continue on my progression of financial awareness. I actually formed a lump in my throat today, when I was reading it during lunch, and I cried, yes tears came to my eyes, as I realized that my future is no longer looking bland and cold.

So, the last several weeks have been raining blessings from God upon me. What have I learned? Well:

1. I am a very attractive woman, who has been getting quite a LOT of male attention these days (still a mystery to me!!)

2. I am a very intelligent woman, who deserves better than she has

3. I may owe lots of money, but I can get out of the RAT RACE

4. I really DO love to serve! As home evening leader, and now as a mentor to a young woman from Mexico

5. I can finally try to close the door on that past relationship that has haunted and plagued me for 7 years. He made his choice, and he has to lie in his bed, and I'm really getting close to the point where I don't care. He doesn't want to listen to what the Lord has to say, then well FINE. There are better men out there, and a certain one that I'm currently dating is quite the catch:)

6. I am becoming a better and better person each day - and didn't even think it was possible that such happiness could come to me as it has these past few weeks.

I am so excited about my life right now. I have not been this happy in over 7 years! The fact that I finally decided to let go and follow the words and commandments of the Lord has certainly a lot to do with it. He is blessing me beyond my wildest dreams, and of that I will forever be grateful.

Oct 21, 2002

Ok so I'm an open book:) But I just had the greatest weekend I have had in a long time, even though we didn't get to do everything we wanted to do, and some mishaps occured. Like...I broke the fish tank by running into it with either my hip or my fist (I really don't know which!) - lucky there was another one, a 20 gal...but a 20 gal to house 2 fish? Anyway, Reid was such a great guy and helped me clean up the mess and transport the fish from one tank to the other:) Then we went to the dance that night, only to find out (to our dismay) that it was a ho-down! So we ended up playing Yahtzee until it ended.

The next day we went to church, came home and discovered that Beau decided to leave a little present for Reid...he urinated all over his grey microfiber shirt, the one I liked so much! I'm not sure what posessed Beau to do that! Unless he's scared, he doesn't go out of the litter box. And it had to be him (not Vader) because there was sooo much of it. I was so embarassed. Reid was a good sport and just bagged it up and took it with him, but I couldn't believe my cat did that! I mean, Reid accidentally stepped on him on Fri - and Beau generally doesn't like men, period, but this is ridiculous! My friend suggested that perhaps it was because it had Reid's scent on it - another male in the house, and Beau was doing what was natural - marking his territory. Teehee...it is kinda funny, but I was still upset with Beau. But I guess he can't help it:)

Anyway, I was just so impressed with Reid. He was ever the gentleman. When he got to my apartment he found that he was in the company of four women; one who had just broken up with her boyfriend and was crying, the other who was bored and didn't expect her husband to be back until late, and then Laurie and I. He took it in stride. We all went bowling, and the man paid for all of us, bought us sodas, and even food. What a sweetheart! What can I say? He really is. And soooooo funny - my sister told me she thought he was hilarious. He has an excellent sense of humor, and it brought smiles to my face every minute of the day:)

Well, now that I shared my wonderful weekend, I better get back to work. I just feel so blessed lately in my life, like everything is falling into place, I'm finally have fun and enjoying my present, and it is such a wonderful feeling.

Oct 15, 2002

I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in today. I mean it's a good day, and I'm excited that I get to be in Times Square for New Year's Eve. Not that I'm this great partier...but I've always wanted to have a really FUN New Year's Eve, and I found round-trip tickets for like $145! It's the hotel that will be expensive, but it's worth it. I haven't been to NYC since the towers fell, and I want to pay my respects as well.

I have pretty much finished my Halloween costume. Sexy Angel, that's me:) Well, not too sexy - I will be wearing it to a church-related event so I have to work on the neckline a bit. But anyway, it's great:)

I had to take Vader into the vet again because she seemed to 'open' her stitches and there was a discharge. Well, I guess I worry too much because she was fine, and very happy when I removed the ace bandage from around her middle:)

I went on a date last Fri, we went to a cello concert (it was supposed to be a dance concert but those tickets were sold out). It was beautiful music, and the celloist had an accompanying pianist and also a clarinetist, which I was able to fully enjoy, knowing very well how difficult the pieces he played had to be! My problem with the clarinet (when I played it) was my fingers always locking up. You really need to have good fingers to play that thing, especially how he played it.

Not much else...we had tons of fun at Home Evening last night, because we had it at Bishop Hasler's house. They (he and his wife) were so wonderful...they gave us each prizes, trick-or-treat bags of candy, carmel apples and apple cider. It was great getting to know everyone better, and to see that people are genuinely happy in the group. Brian and I were so happy that we had a major turn out last night (normally at max we have like 8 people show up on Mondays at the institute). Brian was like, "I think we should have HE here every week!" The bishop also has a hot tub, and I guess my sister was supposed to tell me to tell everyone else to bring a suit along for afterwards. Well she forgot to tell me, and I didn't tell anyone else, and those who knew about it thought it was a joke, but they were totally serious:) They had cleaned it out and everything for us. To me it's no big deal, because we have a hot tub at the clubhouse, but some people don't have those luxuries every day...:)

Well, I better get back to work - an hour to go. I'm tired of it but what else can I do - this is my life! But only for now:)

Oct 9, 2002

Laura's (almost) finished costume! Wow, sometimes I impress myself:) Now off to read Rich Dad, Poor Dad.....

Oct 8, 2002

Well, I got the overdress down for Laura's medieval princess costume, which is good. Sometimes I amaze myself - didn't think I would ever be able to sew something like that. But it is really cute, and once we get the trim on there it will look quite regal.

Tomorrow I have to take Vader in to be spayed. I know they do this all the time, but I still worry. She's my baby, and I don't want anything happening to her! So of course I'm paying for the extra tests and what-not that will make sure she doesn't have any adverse reactions to anesthesia or whatever. We have to drop her off in Verona at 7:30, and then I can pick her up after my chiropractic appointment - around 4. In the meantime, I will be working from home. I also won't be going to institute tomorrow night because I have to watch her and 'baby' her, but that's ok:)

We think Vader is a chantilly cat. She is almost chocolate brown (especially in her rear quarters) and has the delicate facial features of a chantilly. Not to mention her little trills and chirps...she's so cute! I never regret once getting her. Yeah, I may have her for 20 years, but they will be certainly 20 years full of joy.

Let's see, what else...well I feel calmer about a lot of things. For one my job: well, the way I see it, I'm the most qualified. Plus everyone at the office loves my work, including my boss. I'm easy to get along with and work very well independently and also in a group situation. I've started some project management and that is also a bonus skill to add to my growing number of them. My graphic design is getting better, and my scripting (javascript) is most definitely getting better!

I'm in one of those moods where I want to be rebellious, or off-the-wall. I don't know what - I never act on these impulses, but I'm pretty sick of being a goody-good. Ok, so I recently did act spontaneously and did something I wouldn't normally do, but that is where the fun is:) And I certainly don't regret it. But I need more spontaneity in my life, more fun, and certainly less seriousness. I totally want to spice up my social life, I want to travel more, and I want to just get behind the wheel of my car and DRIVE. I want to go on a road trip, a short one or long one I don't care....but I'm really in the mood for it. Sunglasses, a Diet Coke, great music, great conversation....that's what I REALLY want right now. Just to DO something without a care in the world - leave everything behind me and go off on an adventure.
My "new" favorite quote: "There are very few personal problems that can't be fixed by an adequate amount of high explosives. "--- anonymous

Ok, so I really overreacted yesterday. It happens once in awhile. I'm only human. And unfortunately I'm a human who may be a little too open and honest, and a little too passionate about things. Yeah, I wear my heart on my sleeve, even though I'm smart enough to know better! But what's a spaz-queen supposed to do other than continually work to improve upon herself?

I really do understand things, and get little nuances, but most of the time I choose to ignore them. It's not that I'm stupid and don't recognize them - but I have found that it's better to ignore them because if I really took into consideration and analyzed every little thing, I'd go nuts and drive the people around me nuts. But hey, I've gotten better.

Today is a glorious day. I went to bed at 9 and I actually should do that more often. I woke up at 6:15 and felt good. I enjoyed the walk from my car to the office - I love these crisp, cold autumn mornings. I contemplated how I reacted yesterday to various people and feel shameful (well, except about my so-called Spanish friend...he deserved to be told exactly what he was told. He has to grow up and stop using me as his scapegoat, expecting every time that I allow him to do so just because I don't want him to get mad at me). I'm a patient person; it took me 7 years to finally decide what was worth it; feeding his ego or doing what was the healthiest for ME for once, and tell him exactly what he has done to me and made me feel like all these years. But in regards to other people, well, I offer my sincerest apologies. My emotions concerning my so-called friend mixed with the uncertainty that's going on with my job, well, it went over the line, and my sanity plummeted for a little bit. These things happen. And while I feel really bad about overreacting, or spazing out, I don't want to keep hitting myself on the head and worrying about it too much. It was just unfortunate timing, that's all. Yeah, this happens to me sometimes, and I don't want to hide it, but that doesn't mean I am not trying my damndest to work on it.

Anyway, today is a new day and I'm going to pretend yesterday didn't happen, and I hope everyone else who had to deal with me yesterday can overlook the unfortunate circumstances they may have found themselves to be in because of me. Today I have a clean slate and a fresh start, and I'm determined to make it the best day of my life so far. Attitude is the key:)

Oct 7, 2002

I'm just going to put this succinctly...I had the best time of my life on Saturday!!! Seriously, it was one of the best dates I've ever been on. I don't want to use names, but he knows who he is, and he has gotta know he is a hottie, and quite the gentleman:) I just wanted to publicly say THANKS for making me feel better than I have felt in years!