Oct 24, 2002

I'm not in a good mood today. Well, I'm the mood queen, so I guess that isn't so surprising, but I think I lost my extra headphones and remote to my iPod, which I just bought and spent $40 for. I'm mad about that - not that $40 is much, but right now it is because I am broke. I paid all my bills and I'm broke. I think I'm going to have to start doing what Mr. Kiyosaki says in his book Rich Dad Poor Dad, and pay myself first (and my tithing). I don't know how, but the fact that if I actually can get this prototype right for Mike and then have some work on the side, my cash flow will increase and allow me to do so. But my creative juices must not be flowing too well these past days, because I can't seem to get it right. And I don't have the luxury of lots of extra time to play around with it, either.

Then on top of that I'm so confused. I'm a woman, and I over-analyze everything, yes I know that (no one has to tell me). Suddenly all these feelings and whatever are starting to stir within me, and it's hard, because I'm so used to being independent, alone, and, of course, depressed, that all of this good stuff that is happening is kind of hard to digest. I mean I'm not complaining! However, I don't want to rush into anything or force anyone else to rush into anything, and I don't want to misread signals or scare anyone away. But what am I supposed to do with these new-found emotions and ideas that are suddenly inside of me? I try burying them but sometimes they get ahold of me and I can't think about anything else. Everything inside me is screaming to not think so much and to just jump in, head first. I have to constantly check myself, not overreact, not suffocate the other person, etc...but it's in my nature to be very emotional and express those emotions. Hell, anyone who has known me over the past decade knows I have become so much better in that department - it's like a miracle transformation, but I still have things to work on. And although I know I'm quite a catch (I'm not trying to be arrogant, it's just the truth, plain and simple) there is part of me deep down that keeps telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not 'cool' enough, I over-do this or that..., part of me is too needy, part of me is not needy enough, etc.

I think it's has been established that I don't need anyone in my life - I can do just fine alone. God decided that was something I had to learn to do, so I have, and I do quite well. I am like my mother that way. But the difference between my mother and I is that while she doesn't WANT anyone significant in her life, I do. As the scripture says, "two are better than one"....and I humbly admit that is true. So if I have the chance to escape the singledom and independence that I have right now, and my heart says go for it, I will, although there is a lot I will miss. But so rare does an opportunity arise, and I have been learning how to recognize these opportunities. Now with that recognition, and with my logic and with my heart I can make good choices, and I'll have to trust myself that I can do that.

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