Dec 8, 2002

Well, I went out on a date last night and it was fun! We went to this thing called ComedySportz (after eating out--Mexican..I love Mexican) which is a group of students ( think) who do improv, kind of like Whose Line Is It Anyway? It was pretty funny. The last time I've been to anything like that was the Garrens at BYU back in, ummm, I think 1994? So it's been awhile. But I love comedy, especially comedy that keeps itself out of the toilet (which it did!) and it helped me to leave my worries behind for awhile and just kick back and have fun, and get to know more about the three other people who I went with. It was nice. I also decided this weekend that I was going to stop being so darn serious about things. Man, I can become overly enthusiastic about things, that's for sure. It's hard keeping myself inline and controlled, though..especially when I'm so excited about something (or someone) and haven't felt this way in a long, long time. But at the same time all of a sudden all these opportunities present themselves, and I've been dating like I never have in my life. I was never a big dater -- always too serious about relationships to be so casual. But it's like I finally made a decision in September to get out of the slump I was in and forget that man, and that hope, that has, basically, plagued me for so long...and suddenly my life is different, men notice me once again, and my smiles are seen much more often than not. Plus I'm getting ready to take out my endowments (I'm hoping for January) and realizing that it really isn't a tired old cliche when they say that service really does help you forget yourself and your problems.

However, it is the perfect time for service and I want to do something great this year for someone, and I don't know what and don't know how. Once again I've found myself wrapped up in worries about my birthday...I have no idea why I still take it so seriously after 27 years...for crying out loud I'm an adult and I don't need every last person who knows me to remember and to make a big deal of sometimes makes me wonder why that is so vitally important to me. And why I get my expectations up so high all the time. It's not like I had traumatic birthdays in my childhood or anything....maybe it's just that somewhere deep inside of me I'm craving attention and love, or so Freud would say....right?? Who knows. Well, I'm no different from anyone else really...aren't we all craving love? Wanting to cease that aching loneliness that sometimes, or more often, seems to plague our hearts? It's the human condition. But then we let life interfere. It's such a silly, silly game and a sad one but we keep playing it. We really have no choice, though - life happens, we can't avoid it. So if we want love in our life, we have to find a way to work it in amongst everything else that is taking up our time, our minds, our priorities...and that's a tough thing to do.

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