Dec 18, 2003

Oh you realize how much I love you? I know we both feel like we can't say it enough...and that words are so inadequate in expressing the deep and abiding love we have for each other. Jeremy, I am so glad we were able to meet the way we be able to fall in love with each other without going through the 'infatuation' phase that so often accompanies traditional courtship, due to the physical proximity and inability to get enough of each other in that sense. But with us, since we have gotten to know each other in such a unique and special get to know each other from recognize how our spirits 'click', to talk for hours on end and discover each other's personalities, fears, dreams, goals, accomplishments...yet remarkably still have such a strong physical attraction for one is simply amazing.

I never was one to really believe in fate or in that 'one' soulmate. I've always believed that there are certain individuals in this life that have a connection (for lack of better terminology) on such a different level that they are able to recognize it and become so emotionally and spiritually close that many people are unable to understand exactly what that entails. However, I do, to a certain degree, believe in predetermination...and I believe...rather...I know that we knew each other in the pre-existence. I know that Heavenly Father has decided it so very important that we be united together in eternal matrimony, that he didn't merely watch us and say "well you two would be a good match." our case, he prepared us so meticulously...and I believe every single trial we have endured as individuals...every person we have loved...every time our hearts have been broken and we have been humbled before the Lord...all of this lead to being ready for each other. I know there are other reasons for the trials and the experiences that happen in learn and gain exhaltation...and to literally become as God. Yet through divine inspiration our Heavenly Father said, "Man is not meant to be alone." He planned it this way for a reason and a very sacred purpose! By our union, we will begin that road as one..united in purpose and faith. He knew we could only do so much as individuals, and prepared us for the time where we could no longer progress further in our lives without the other. I truly believe fact I know it.

Oh Jeremy...I have said it before, but I will say it again. You really are my miracle. I never thought I would be able to completely let go of my past...of the painful unrequitted love I endured...and I was so worried I would not be able to give completely of myself to another man. I was so afraid I would not be able to love as much as I had. When I began to have an inkling about us...when the still small voice whispered peace to my heart and prompted me to even contemplate it...I was so afraid because I knew that when I fell in love, I had to be able to give 100%. And Jeremy...oh really is a miracle. You really are. You have given me what I have ached for...for so many years. I have wanted someone to love me as much as I was able to love. I knew I was capable of true unconditional love...but I had never been loved back as such. And your love for me seems to surpass my greatest dreams of what it could be! You are the man...the only man who could give this to me, and I love you so much for it. I cherish you. I am inspired and humbled by you. I am surprised by my openness with share everything about me with you. I've always considered myself an open person, but even those few things...the things every person has...the sins they have committed, the shame they feel for those past transgressions...I have been able to share those with you, and you are the first person to know of them. Yet you still love me!

I know I sound mushy and hopelessly lost...and many people might look at us and think "gee, that's not going to last." But they are so wrong. I know it, and you know it...and we know it because our Father in Heaven has told us. We know it won't be easy. We know we have many difficult trials and challenges ahead of us. We have been told this. But our love for God and our willingness to put Him first will be the vital ingredient in making our marriage last for eternity. Since we love Him so much, and are willing to sacrifice and obey His Will...we will make it.

Jeremy, I never thought I'd turn into such a sap, but I love you. Oh how I love you!
First of all, I realize that I may seem very hypocritical. Just a month ago I was condemning rushing into marriage, and here I am...although not necessarily rushing it...I already know (we already know) we will be married...I guess to the naked eye it looks like I could be making the same grave mistake many couples do, but let me bear my testimony on this fact lest anyone judge me.

I have known too many couples have their marriage end in divorce because they weren't adequately prepared for marriage. Perhaps they married for the wrong reasons. Perhaps they married for the right reasons, but didn't take time to get to know each other. Or maybe they prayed about it and asked God..but didn't really hear the answer. I don't know...I'm not to judge. I don't judge people's marriages...but I feel strongly about advising everyone (including myself!!!) against rushing anything. Heavenly Father has a timeline for us...and that is what is vital to understand. He knows where we are concerning our preparedness. Some of us are already 'ready'...but perhaps our future companion is not. Perhaps he or she made an incorrect choice...and we are left having to pick up the pieces and continue on in life on a different road map than previously. But the Lord will not withold blessings! He is omnipotent and omnipresent..and he must take into consideration the free agency of others! I know this, because he promised me something that had to do with another's free agency..and it didn't not happen. But the Lord is wise and just...and even before that promise...he was preparing another (or others) as well. I truly believe this. And I know I'm with the man that I am supposed to be with. This is perfectly clear to me. Heavenly Father, knowing my heart, knowing how hard I have been working on accepting my life as it truly submitting my will to His own (and trust has been a long and ardous road - I was and still am constantly trying to convince Him that I know what's best for me. Thank goodness the Spirit directs me otherwise!) has blessed me with the greatest desire of my heart. I would ungrateful if I did not recognize His hand...and recognize the responsibilities that this brings upon my shoulders.

My point? Rushing into marriage to alleviate satisfy sexual avoid culture just have children...whatever reasons that may come wrong. It is a painful decision and the consequences of such can be disasterous. Yet I also believe in divine inspiration and revelation...and when the Lord tells me to do something, or tells me it is right...I act on it.

I do not know why the Lord felt it important that I meet my eternal companion in the manner I have. I do not know why he inspired both of us, after prayerful consideration and fasting..that we were to be married...and why he did it so quickly. For some it takes dating for awhile...or maybe a long courtship. To others perhaps the things they learned in previous experiences already taught them what they needed and therefore they were inspired early in the relationship. I do not know the mysteries of God, but I do know His voice and the power of the Holy Ghost, and I will not deny it. It is kind of ironic, actually...and I figured early on that Heavenly Father would introduce me to Jeremy in the manner in which he did. I have to chuckle at the irony and shake my head. I realize I need to be an example to others by not being a hypocrite. I still believe everything I have mentioned previous to knowing Jeremy. I truly do. Finding him does not change that.

Dec 15, 2003

I have found him! We've found each other! I am so happy and so utterly grateful to my Father in Heaven for guiding us to each other. I'm so grateful for the experiences I've had in life that have led me to recognize Jeremy when I love him and to appreciate everything about him. I especially appreciate his humility and his weaknesses...I'm grateful to know everything about him..and to know he's me. I'm grateful I'm able to love him with all my heart, mind, and soul....yet not put him on a pedestal and expect perfection. But oh, how perfect he is for me! We compliment each other in so many ways. We have the same outlook and ideals and beliefs. We know exactly how we want to raise our children. We have spoken extensively about financial dreams, education, the gospel, our past and our hopes for the future, our fears and our foibles, our ideas about child rearing, marriage....and so much else. We still have a lot to learn about each other but Heavenly Father decided that it was time that we met...and prayed...and realized that we were meant to be together.

I love him so much. Words cannot adequately express my gratitude and my humility to have him in my feel his love and to love him in return. He is so patient and willing to wait forever and a day for me. He knows my heart has been broken and yet he is determined to literally heal my heart. He expresses his gratitude and his love for me in such a way that the Spirit testifies so strongly to me that he is indeed a choice Son of God. His past has not left him desolate and bitter; rather he rejoices in his trials and in the things he has learned. He has overcome so much. This remarkable man joined the church just 3 years ago..two weeks into boot camp (he's a US Marine who just returned from Iraq...he's my 'cute' marine ;) He humbled himself before the Lord and joined the very church he so disliked before..because he recognized truth in its gospel and correct principles. He loves the Lord and wants to serve Him, even if it means putting aside marriage. He loves me and wants to serve me. He wants to bless me with children.

I never knew a man such as he existed. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be able to get over the previous love of my life...and find someone who I have, in fact...loved my whole life. I just put a different face on that man until I finally found him. I never knew someone could love me so much and with so much fire and spirit. He completes me. His quirky sense of humor and his romantic ways of expressing his feelings are so endearing. His drive to succeed and provide for his future family....his intelligence and wit...his confidence and charm...and his voice (I really really love to hear his voice - especially when he's singing "Happy Birthday" ;) absolutely blow my mind! How could I have possibly guessed that Heavenly Father allowed me to suffer so much pain and heartache over the past several years only to find someone who surpassed all my expectations? Sometimes I feel so unworthy of him and his love, but I know that we are meant to be together. He has reminded me that I am desirable, that I am beautiful, that I am a special daughter of who God loves very much...he loves me so much, with all of his soul..and I never thought I'd ever find that. And most importantly, his love to follow the Lord is the greatest blessing I can imagine. He fasted for two days to receive the answer that we were to be married. He is so honest and so forthright...and I love the way he flirts and makes me feel like I am truly a woman. He is such a beautiful man, inside and out, and I am just flabbergasted that the Lord has been so mindful of me. All I can say is wow. Jeremiah _____, you are my life and my love. You will be my husband and I your wife. And I love you...and I am announcing this to the entire world. I will wait for you, if you are called on a mission. I will do everything the Lord requires of me to be worthy of you. I will support you and cherish you. You are truly my everything.

Nov 16, 2003

Well, I'm doing a lot better. I sat down after going through that little incident during Halloween and I started reading 1st Nephi. I then began to realize what I was doing wrong...I was just as bad as Laman and Lemuel...murmuring against their God because of their afflictions. I had always drawn a similarity between the great Nephi and myself, considering myself valiant, perseverent, faithful, unmoving...but while I do posess these qualities, I have to admit that I'm no where near where I want to be. I have been acting more like Laman and Lemuel. It's a wonder I haven't been chastized as often as they were. Where is my faith when I sit there blaming God for what blessings I don't have in my life? Where is my gratitude for the Savior's gift to all when I sit there and think I deserve something more than another? These thoughts are not good, and they only bring frustration, uncertainty, and anger. I do not want dark things in my life, and if I hope to get anywhere and to receive the blessings I so dearly want, I have to be like unto Nephi and not his doubting brothers.

I don't know who reads these blogs I write. They are there for my own personal reasons, but I provide a link to them in case anyone might find something of worth in my ramblings. Who knows...someone going through a similar ordeal that I had gone through and recorded...or a family member wanting to 'catch up' with how I am doing. Granted, most people keep their diaries private and no one reads them until they have deceased, but I've thought about it, and decided that since I am such an open person and I am willing to admit to my mistakes and even broadcast them to the world...since I feel I have nothing to hide, and I do not care what people think about me or how odd they may find me...this is the reason I decided to put this on the internet (also because it's already archived and easy to print for future records). If anything I say can be of any help to at least one person, I will feel my decision justified and worth it.

I do not care what people think about me, and for this reason I've always done what I believed to be right rather than what my friends were doing, or what the "cool" people were doing. It wasn't always easy, because we naturally want to be accepted by our peers, but in the end I recognized a respect that others had for me for my choice. Friends might have teased and taunted a little, in good-natured fun, but they never thought less of me. That's the misconception so many people have...that if they do what's right, even if it's down the road less travelled, that the mockings and teasings they may get from friends is going to ruin their lives or friendships. The only way that happens is if you become judgmental and narrow-minded, and don't recognize the free agency that those around you have and are exercising.

I am intimidating, this I know. I scare some people because I have such resolute convictions and ideals. But trust me, there is nothing to be scared about. I am a great friend and I love the people I know for who they are....not for what they do. If I ever try and share my beliefs it is not because I am wanting to force anyone to believe as I is because I care so much about everyone's happiness, and since I'm so excited about what has made me happy, I can only naturally want to share that with others! It can be intimidating but I am really a gentle sweetheart of a girl with a great big heart and a welcoming smile. I love meeting people and learning about them and from them on my quest to become a better person. I just wish some of them understood this and didn't think otherwise...there is no need to be intimidated or afraid. I really am a good person.

I am Mormon, and if anyone reading this is completely LOST when I speak of people such as Nephi, Laman and Lemuel...they are in the Book of Mormon. A great narrative about a family that left Jerusalem around 600 BC and came to the new world. It is a wonderful book full of writings of prophets, of the good and bad times, and of how the people of the new world (what we know today as indians, coined by Columbus' error) did in fact know God. That Jesus the Christ in fact came to the American continent as it is known today and visited His people, just as he visited his 12 apostles and his family in Jerusalem after being resurrected. He named 12 disciples here, on this very continent....this book is a wonderful testimony of the divinity of our Lord, Jesus Christ. And the amazing thing is, the very things described in the book, such as the dream Lehi had about the tree of life, were indeed carved into their temples. This very carving was found much later, after Joseph Smith died, in Mexico. The fact that there are legends deep within the native people of Paraguay of a Lord who visited them and proclaimed the gospel to them. The fact that the measurement system mentioned in the Book of Mormon is still used by the Mayans today. I know this book is true because I asked my Heavenly Father about it. I did as he told us in James 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." The Holy Bible, a book which all Christians believe to be holy scripture, tells us that we can ask God ourselves if what we are taught is true! It doesn't matter what religion you are, or if you belong to any religion at all. It doesn't matter what station you have in life, what good or bad things you have done. It says "he giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not." I marvel that this very gift and promise is given to ALL MANKIND...and anyone who has access to a Bible can read this. Anyone, anyone at all who has a question about God, or about their own divinity, about why they are here, where to find answers, what is true and what is not...any of these questions will be answered! Isn't that a marvelous gift and promise? But I used this very gift, and I asked. I asked when I was 14 years old, after finishing reading the book for the first time. And I received an answer.

This is why I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I love it because the first thing we are encouraged to do is find out for ourselves. No man can make you believe anything. No one can make you do anything. The missionaries themselves, who are out there trying to share the gospel with the world, who are spat upon, sworn at, and threatened every day...they are the first to admit that it is not they who can change anyone. They are doing the Lord's work and if anyone finds answers to questions through the help of missionaries, then they are just instruments in the Lord's hands.

We are as far from a cult as can possibly be. In fact, I think we are farther from the definition of the word than most "accepted" religions. We are not told that we cannot know the mysteries of God (although obviously we can't know all of them in this lifetime...there are too many). We are not told to just listen to our preachers. We are not told that prophets no longer exist today (why then, would the Lord bless the world with prophets in the ancient days but not today? Does that make any sense?) We are not told that we will go to hell if we do not believe. We are not told that God, Christ, and the Holy Ghost are one personage (does that make any sense? Why then would Jesus pray unto himself in the garden of Gethsamanee?) We are not told that we hold the burden of Adam's sin. We are responsible for ourselves. And going along with that, we believe that Adam and Eve did exactly what they had to do "So men might be". The Lord had to give them a commandment so that they would make the first either follow it or to not. But in the state they were in, while in Eden, they did not know right from wrong. They would have remained the same and never had children, and we never would have even been born. By giving them that first choice, our gift of free agency was born. We are not told that marriage is "for as long as you both shall live." Anyone who truly loves their wife or husband, and children, would not be able to bear the thought of that holy bond of family ending at death. And the truth doesn't. Families are forever. Our marriages are done in our beautiful, simple holy temples, where we are sealed, through the Authority that God has given, to be married for eternity. That our children will be sealed to us for eternity. That we WILL be together forever someday. Isn't that most beautiful and wonderful promise? And it's true! Anyway, our religion also doesn't change to conform to society.....or to keep up "with the times". God has plainly stated in the scriptures that he is the same "yesterday, today and forever". Then so would his gospel be.

Many people have asked me how I could live such a life. That I was not free, because I followed all these strict rules, such as no drinking, no smoking, no sex before marriage, no this and no that. I just smile and am not sure what to say to them. It isn't that difficult. Sometimes it CAN be, granted, but life has always presented challenges for us to deal with. That is what LIFE is. But what few seem to understand is that for the most part, I am simply following the 10 commandments. I am also following a way of life that leads to peace, prosperity, and joy. So I can't get drunk and let my inhibitions free for one night a week. Well first of all, I CAN, but I won't. It's not that alcohol is bad, but it is so easily abused and so much sorrow comes from the abuse of it. Our church doesn't tell us to not drink alcohol because it's BAD. They urge us not to because of what misery it has brought to billions of people. Sure, you could be one person who can handle your liquor...someone who drinks only on special occasions...and that's great. But very few people seem to be able to drink in moderation. And besides, why even play with fire? It doesn't make my life any worse just because I don't touch alcohol. It doesn't mean I enjoy life less. I actually feel that I am freer than most, because 24-7, I am in complete control of my mind. I have nothing else to blame. Same with tobacco and drugs, or anything addictive. Why let a habit control you? That's ridiculous. Mormons are actually quite masters of the mind, we have excellent self control. We make mistakes and we flub sometimes, and sometimes we might even do something quite dreadful. But the fact that we are trying to make our lives and the lives of the people we care about better...this brings an unexpected freedom that few can understand.

The same goes for sexual relations. I'm told I'm missing out. I've heard a million excuses, "well, your sex life is important. If I wait until marriage, what if my husband and I aren't compatible sexually?" Seriously, folks, that is your decision. But be mature about it and just be don't have to make excuses. You want to participate in it and that's it. You're human, we all are. Those feelings and desires are natural and God-given gifts. I just believe, along with most people in my church, that sexual activity has been reserved for within the bonds of holy matrimony. If you think about the real purpose of sex, it is to produce offspring. Think of animals...they don't do it because they get pleasure out of it, they do it because its their nature. It's the same with us, except we have that gift of experiencing pleasure along with it. I personally think that gift was given to us also to be a trial and a challenge, to see if we could recognize the sacredness of this beautiful bond between a man and a woman, and see how we treat it. Sex is the greatest power we using this power we can create another human being! Science perhaps can tell us all the mechanics of it, how it happens biologically...but what they can't tell us is why. Why does the sperm and the egg fuse together to create an embryo? The answers to these questions have been with us for as long as mankind has walked the earth, but few will recognize it.

You know, sometimes it also comes down to obedience. Being obedient does not prohibit us from enjoying life. But naturally, we are rebellious. We don't want to be told what to do. We want to explore and experience life in a way that gives us the greatest pleasure, in a way that is to what we perceive to be our greatest advantage. You know what? Fine. But I seriously get a kick out of it when people tell me that I am inhibited. That I don't understand life. That I am weak because I need a religion to tell me what to do, or to make sense of things. When in fact, I'm the opposite of everything they tell me I am. I don't need a religion to tell me anything, because I went to the source Himself and asked what to do. The fact that the LDS church was the instrument in guiding me to those answers IS the key here. That church is has to be, because its teachings are the same as the answers I have gotten from God himself. The same answers that God will give any human being who asks humbly and with earnest. It's not about me thinking I'm superior, or that my church is better than another is sooo not that. You have to think at a different level to even begin to understand. But being a member of my church has brought me the greatest joy I could ever experience in life. It has guided me to finding the answers to my questions. It brings the Spirit to me, that witnesses to me every day the beautiful truth of life. My prayers and my faith have healed me physically. I have seen others miraculously healed. I have been saved from grave danger because of it. I have been protected and preserved. Those who say it is the foolish imaginations of men to believe in a God are only fooling themselves. It takes a strong, faithful person to get through this life and all the trials and suffering that comes with it...yet someone who can get through and still help others and serve others and most importantly, LOVE others while suffering so. It takes complete faith to believe you really WILL see your deceased parents again someday. The cop-out is those who believe they turn to dust and that is it. Oh, what an easy explanation of life and death, LOL. But what is the struggle on this earth for then? If all we did was live and die, why not live in a state of pure ecstasy? Why would we have all the sorrow and grief that this life offers? Why even bother being a 'better' person? Why even bother loving and helping others? What would be the point??

So if you do conclude that there is a God, you would want to understand why He created you. (By the way, we believe God is our Father quite literally, and that he has a body...he's not some floating thing up in never-never land...and he's not to be feared...he LOVES us and wants us to return). If He is, in fact, your Father, you would at least expect he has expectations for you, such as your eartly parents (or surrogate parents) have done. It's your job to find out what those expectations are. And unfortunately, so many don't want to hear those expectations, they think it's too hard, so it's easier for them to just deny the existence of God than to actually follow His plan for each of us. It is soo easy to forget about Him and to just go on in life, doing whatever we want. But why, then, do we have a conscience (aka, the Holy Ghost)? If we were honest with ourselves and asked ourselves about what we are doing...we would know the answer and whether it was right or wrong...without ever having to step inside a church. All those answers are attainable for anyone looking! But it's too damn easy to just bury that inside and ignore it..especially when it's contrary to our own will and pride. I've done it's unfortunately way too easy to ignore that prompting to stop what I am doing because it's wrong. Unfortunately, Satan has a a deep grip on all of us, and if we allow him, he will confuse us and bewilder us and even pretend to be what he isn't. (Another side note, we believe that Satan, aka Lucifer, our brother, was with us and our Eldest brother Jesus Christ, along with our Heavenly parents in the prexistence. Two plans were presented before God...Christ's plan was to allow us to all have free agency and choose for ourselves on this Earth..but by allowing that we would all commit sin and therefore we would need a Redeemer, which He was. Lucifer's plan was to force mankind to always do right..and therefore we'd all return to our Heavenly Father, unlike Christ's plan. However, with Lucifer's plan, we wouldnt' return, because we would have not grown or experienced anything. Without choice there is nothing. We wouldn't know joy from pain, good from evil, life from death,...there must be opposiiton in all things and with Christ's plan we had agency..and it was up to us, with the help of his Atoning Sacrifice, to return). He has a role in all of this too...and he wants us to be miserable like he is. He will do anything he can to persuade us to veer off the path that God would like us to follow.

Ok, it looks like I summed up a lot of what I believe. If anyone has read this, you might be thinking I'm completely off my rocker. Well, that's your agency to believe that. But let me just end with this: I KNOW that this is all true. Again, not because I'm superior...but because I exercised the gift that God has given all of ask. I belong to my church out of my own choosing, because it teaches good principles and encourages us to continually ask our Father in Heaven what is right and what is wrong. I asked about this Church, and this is the Church that was restored from Christ's original church on this earth. This is the Church that has the truth and the answers...the church that wants to be an instrument in the lives of every brother and sister on this Earth. Great peace and happiness is promised...not by the Church, but by God, to us individually. And I am so grateful for that! I'm so grateful to have the knowledge I do, and I just wish everyone I knew and loved had it too! To experience the true freedom that comes from doing what is right! It is an unbelievable feeling and to be able to understand life to the best of our capabilities (which are limited, of course) understand someday we too can be Gods and Goddesses of our own understand the great simplicity that lies in this Great Plan...the simplicity that mankind has corrupted and tried to destroy through the power of Satan is just such an awesome thing to know! It's so great to know there is a living prophet today who talks with God! Who is a good and humble man, not seeking power or prosperity! It is so great to know revelation is still available to men! I am bearing my testimony, and I don't care if many of you think I'm nuts, because I know it's true. I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know it more than I know that my mother loves me. I know it and I would die for this knowledge rather than deny it. And that knowledge is such an exquisite gift, one that works so gracefully with our greatest gift, namely, the Atonment of Jesus the Christ, our Savior, Redeemer, brother and friend.

Nov 3, 2003

"Even when love wounds you, that’s because love matters so much. The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you.

Your longing to belong forever to a loving family comes from God, and He has promised its fulfillment, if you are faithful: “For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness” (Ps. 107:9). I know His promise is sure." - excerpt from an article by Elder Hafen in the Ensign Oct 2003 issue.

You know, everyone was right about him. Ok, so I did really get over him by March or so...but I was so determined to do the right thing, to be Christ-like and forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continue being a friend although he obviously didn't care. Then suddenly, out of the blue, sometime last month he responds to a forward I sent. I was so ecstatic (however cautious...I'm not an idiot) and after a few replies from him I cautiously assumed he had, indeed forgiven me for my trespasses against him. And I know men never apologize, at least not most of them, so I assumed that his contacting me was in its own way an apology for what he had done to me.

Little did I know why he suddenly decided to "forgive" me. Of course forgiveness is an easier thing to do after you already have what you want in life...but when you are struggling yourself the ability to forgive is a much more difficult thing to do. Yet as much as I struggled in January, I found it within myself...that resilience and peserverence that is forgive him. I didn't have what I wanted but I still did it. It was very difficult, especially after everything I had gone through in the past 7 years in similar circumstances, but I did it anyway. he writes me on Friday and tells me he's "currently" married. Whatever "currently" means. Considering our religious view on marriage as an eternal relationship, I don't think the word "currently" should be used in that sentence. The word suggests a timeline rather than a finality. But know, I knew that he had gotten married but since he never did tell me I supposed it was just the imaginations of my mind. So it was of little surprise to hear, but it angered me because of the condescension in the email. I'm sure he was sincere, but no one wants to hear how great or wonderful they are from someone who 'gave' you up (or in this case, he didn't even give me a chance before moving on). I've heard this all too many times but the fact of the matter is: it doesn't matter how many syrupy compliments, sincere or not, that you lay on....the truth is still bold and abundantly clear...yes you are awesome, but not awesome enough. Not awesome enough for me.

People mean well when they say these things, be they friends or old flames who have 'moved on' in life, up the ladder of success or on to a different level, leaving you behind. It may not be that you in fact feel you are left behind, but their sincere words are proof that they think you are behind them. Being married means you're not stuck playing the stupid dating game anymore. In our religion it has an almost ghastly connotation of being a 'reward' -- which is so NOT the case. All anyone would have to do is listen to the prophet to understand that. Marriage is the status quo in Mormonism....being single is not something to be envied (most of the time).

You know, I finally, after all these years, came to accept my marital status and be happy about it! I have spent so much time working with my ward and trying to teach the correct principles of the gospel...and while eternal marriage is a goal we should all have, it is vitally necessary to understand that we MUST NOT under any circumstances place our individual worth upon our marital status. The plan of happiness includes eternal families, yes-- but the Atonement is a very singular, individual thing. In the end, despite all the good and bad influences that people have had on you and you on others, you are only able to save yourself through the Atonment of Jesus cannot save anyone else, even an eternal companion.

It's sad to see so many LDS single adults feel inferior because they are single. It's sad to see them rush into marriage for a variety of reasons..maybe checking off their "Eternal To-Do" list, to satisfy their resounding loneliness and feelings of inadequacy, or simply they do it thinking that getting married is automatic approval to have sex. You might indeed have that go-ahead after marriage, but rushing into is is NOT going to please our Heavenly Father. His plan of happiness is a simple and beautiful one..but we must remember we are playing with eternity..playing with powers or procreation and deep emotions and responsibilities.

So what am I saying? I'm saying that I had finally accepted my marital status and found joy in it...realized that being single wasn't a 'waiting' period...and that it was the best time to develop a strong relationship with my Savior and to provide service to others who need it. It's the best time to develop personal traits and talents which I won't be able to have time to do once I'm married. It's a selfish time...yes...but it's the only time we are able to get away with being selfish and putting ourselves as number one on our priority list.

But then I'm reminded, by this sincere although ill-timed letter that no, I don't have what I really yearn and long for. Right now my job is uncertain, I'm unsure of what to do with my life...and deep down all I yearn for and long for, despite finally accepting my status, is to be a wife and a mother. That's one of the main reasons I'm down here on this earth. And I have to fight every day those longings and focus on other issues at hand. But here I am..about to go out and have a blast with my friends on Halloween, and I finally get the truth that I had suspected. Needless to say, it totally ruined my whole evening (and my whole weekend, consequently). Whether he intended that or not...I'll never know....but I was miserable. Not because I had wanted to marry him (although I'm still upset that he never gave me the chance he told me he would), but because of the fact that even after everything he had done to me, he still received those very blessings that I have been longing for and promised. Life isn't fair, no one has to tell me that, but why? Why do these things happen?

I fear I might be jumping to conclusions or being judgmental here, and this I do not mean to be. I have no idea how he got married, when...and why. Maybe he did repent of his using me (although I always thought part of the repentence process was apologizing to the person you had offended), maybe he didn't lie about going to Iraq or later about his whereabouts being secret...maybe he truly loved this woman and he did it all in the right way by marrying in the temple for time and eternity. And if he did it this way, I am extremely happy for him. Everyone deserves to have those blessings. I can't lie and say I'm not jealous that I don't have the very same blessing...but I'm happy for him. But...if he didn't do it this way...well I hope that he is still happy and that someday he will make it to the temple. So I guess it doesn't really matter how he did it...but I hope the consequences of his actions, whatever they were/are....have given him the joy that I long for for myself.

Sep 29, 2003

I don't have much time but I just wanted to mention that I moved! So if you know me, and need my new address, please just email me and I'll send it to you.

Well, I am now teaching a course at the UW-Madison in web design, on Wednesday afternoons (this is in addition to my job). I have had two classes so far but it has gone well. I haven't taught since 1998, back in Spain, so it is nice to be doing it again. I must admit I do enjoy teaching college-aged (and older) students. I never could handle elementary or middle school. High school -- depends on the subject, I guess. AND the students. But while I do not feel teaching is my calling in life, I do enjoy it....a little. It is a great feeling being able to make a difference in people's lives....even for a short semester.

Well...that's enough for now. I better get going. I've been so busy but we just, finally, finished up cleaning the other apartment and I will be handing in the keys tomorrow. Everything is unpacked here at the new duplex.

Oh, I had to give up Babykins (Mikel) tonight. Cristina and Heath just moved into their new condo, so Mikel was able to go home for the first time. I hope he's ok without his friends Vader and Beau! He might be a bit lonely, but he will certainly still be loved:) I know I couldn't handle more than 3 cats (and what guy would date me, seriously) but at the same time I feel an emptiness and keep looking for him to come up and cuddle with me, or more his style - biting and scratching! But the past month since we've been fostering him, it's been quite interesting. Kittens are adorable and full of energy and life and they just put a smile on your face no matter what...even if they are biting you because they are teething. But he will come to visit his friends here on weekends so it's not like I won't ever seen him Mikail and Micaela. I will never see THEM again and they were half my cats. So I'm happy for him and happy for Cristina because she really needs Mikel in her life right now. And cats are great at giving affection and attention. So hopefully it will help her feel better!

Jul 9, 2003

Well, I might be healing, bit by bit. I do feel better, and didn't have any major relapses last week, so that's good. I was supposed to meet a new friend, but he ended up having to cancel, but it worked out ok because a friend who lives very far away called me and said she was going to be in Chicago and wanted to go to the temple! This was awesome, because I haven't seen her in over a year, plus when I went down to pick my sister up at O'Hare on Tues, the temple was closed. So we decided to take a road trip to Nauvoo. My sister got her recommend and she, my friend, Laura Catharine and I went on down. It was a great experience, minus the 105 degree, 100% humidity in the shade. But the temple was gorgeous and doing a session there was really an awesome experience. To see some pictures, go to: .

Well, I've been not doing so well since then...Beau received 2 insulin shots on Friday night while I was gone and he could have died of hypoglycemia...thank God that didn't happen. I was very upset with both Cristina for giving a 2nd shot when her husband already told us they couldn't help (so I got Gilly to do it) and then with my roommate for not telling Gilly how to test Beau's blood glucose, even when she did it for me for an entire day and was there when Gilly was freaking and said right to her "I don't know how to do this!". That just upset me to no end.

Oh well, life goes on. I better get back to work, but I thought I'd drop a blog.

Jun 4, 2003

Memorial day weekend (and the following week) were absolutely nightmarish. There have only been a few periods in my life that could compare. Anyway, before it started (the Fri before Memorial Day) I talked to a friend, and pretty much did a self-diagnosis of what my ailment has been for the past 7 years. (Gee, all my major afflictions seem to last 7 years....coincidence?) This ear fullness/pressure that I've learned to live with has never been diagnosed. I've been to ENTs, neurologists, allergists, general physicians, chiropractors, etc but no ONE ever told me it could possibly be TMJD (temporomandibular joint disorder). Most of them told me it was in my head. All I ever heard was my hearing was perfect, my sinuses clear, no wax buildup, no fluid behind the ear drum, no known allergies, etc....

Yet, I found out that my HMO will pay a small amount for treatment of TMJD, so I made an appointment. A flick of hope rose within me. Perhaps I would be able to hear normally again before I die! The prospect excited me. I mean, I had all the classic symptoms (after doing extensive research and reading on the disorder, and joining a bb where fellow sufferers talk, support each other, and all that). I don't know when my jaw started to click and pop, but it did. It doesn't do it all the time, but it does it enough. Then on Friday, a flare-up came upon me...BAD. The pressure in my ears increased to a very uncomfortable level, and I went home early so that I could stop at Walmart and pick up several things to try and treat it. But everything got worse. I took Laura to see my family over the holiday, but I spent much of the weekend sleeping and fretting over the increased discomfort and pain. My jaw felt heavy and tired, and just ached. All the muscles in my neck and face were tense. My tongue was sensitive and I couldn't even manage to eat bread without it acting up. My eyes hurt, my sinuses were clogged (something I've been dealing with for years now) and then I became very dizzy, and went through some spells of vertigo. Laura, thankfully, enjoyed visiting with my family and she was also able to drive my car back to Madison because I simply could not (she learned the stick shift fast!). I was home for a week. Absolutely miserable. I went to urgent care, they (as I expected) didn't do anything and said perhaps I had a virus. WHATEVER. Why are MD's so ignorant of TMJD? It pisses me off to no end. And then ENT's supposedly have 3-4 additional years of school after med school, and yet they STILL can't pick up on this? I mean, not one of them even gave me a MRI to check for joint damage, tumors, cysts, or nerve damage. Gee, I'm not a doctor yet even I knew that all ear disorders weren't caused by ear infections, fluid build up, or excessive wax. DUH.

Then I called around to all the chiropractors in my HMO network, and one of them actually took some time to talk to me about TMJD. He said he has worked with patients of TMJD before, and would do his best to help me. So far, after 3 visits, things have gotten better. My jaw was swingingly (dramatically, I might add) to the left. My cervical was all wrong (as it is every time I go to a chiro..I don't know what I do but any little movement seems to put my neck out of whack). My chiro also uses trigger point therapy which seems to be helping, not to mention this little device I've never seen that helps to push my jaw back into place in a gentle manner. He also told me that along with splint therapy or whatever the TMJD specialist had in mind, I should (hopefully) find relief.

Well, I was able to move my appointment with the specialist up to Monday (from Thursday). I filled out a bunch of paperwork describing my symptoms, pain levels, pain locations, etc. The doctor was very kind, and since she is a fellow sufferer of TMJD, she seemed to actually care about what was going on. She confirmed my suspicions, and we did impressions so that a splint would be made to help me prevent from clenching at night and when I'm stressed. I will get it Friday. And boy, I hope it helps.

Last Friday the vertigo went away and things cleared up a bit. I was feeling almost normal (except for the now-standard ear pressure) on Monday when I went to my appointments. Yesterday, however, things got bad again. No vertigo and no heavy jaw, but the ear pressure and the muscles spazing were almost too much to bear. I stuck it out at work though. Now I'm hoping today I will be able to remain relaxed, calm, and that my little heat patch, chamomile/spearmint tea and breathing exercises will help me today. I'm getting really sick of tiger balm and Hall's cough drops to help "open" me up. So we'll see.

So many people thing TMJD is just a "clenching" problem, or think it's like "oh, my leg hurts". Nooo...this is a serious disorder with no cure, and millions of people suffer from it. But the ignorance is unfathomable, not only in society, but also in the medical field. I don't get it! Why don't MD's treat this? Why dont' HMO's pay for this? This is just like having a bad joint or nerve problem/muscle spasm in your wrist, or your knee....and it is very painful. And it's in your face, for crying out loud. Try concentrating on work and whatever else you have to do when you have all that crap going on right inside of your head. It's not easy.

Well, I did receive a blessing of the sick, that I be patient, but that I WILL be healed, but through my faith and also by the hands of professionals, and that I must learn about this disorder, that I might be able to help those others who suffer from it, and have the necessary compassion/empathy to be able to really understand what they are going through. Gee, my whole life seems to be like this. That I'm being prepared to help others. It makes me wonder why I never felt the desire/need to be in the medical field. Oh well. We'll see what happens.

May 16, 2003

This is my haphazard, not very well written review of "The Matrix: Reloaded":

After 4 years of hype and anticipation, for a real action-flick with zero nudity/immorality....I was grossly disappointed.

The first movie was absolutely great. It indeed should have been rated PG-13. Other than adult themes and violence (although only partially realistic at best) the movie captured us because of it's underlying Christian-like theme, its excellent script, it's ability to make you think and ponder about life, and of course it's spectacular special effects.

"Reloaded" however, is pretty void of plot. Same old thing, but this time the directors/producers decided to focus more on the special effects (which WERE amazing, admittedly) and on the developing romance of Neo and Trinity. If I had it my way, I'd cut out about 25 minutes of film after the opening scene (which is crucial to the weakening plot). It felt disjointed and altogether out of place. While I understand the necessity of introducing the viewer to the city of Zion, its people, and the separation that exists between those who "believe" and those who do not, the entire Zion scene was eeriely out of place. Morpheus' appearance before the masses, dressed in tribal-like clothing, spouting off apostolic prophesies and testimony, rallying the crowd as an unexpected incensed zealot, came across as oddly out of character and completely contradictive of the strong, poised and graceful Morpheus we met in "The Matrix".

Unfortunately, I find that a more accurate name for Zion would be Babylon (and Babylon was destroyed, remember?). Not only is it ladled with sexually-tense tribal music, provocative dancing, semi-transparent blouses and partial female nudity, but the Wachowski brothers decide that appealing to the younger demographic (and, consequently, that demographic is primarily made up of young boys UNDER the age of 17) was more important than plot development, and they decided to try their hands at what Hollywood does best - eroticism. Never mind that the first movie was an unexpected hit, even without it. They throw in a steamy love scene between Neo and Trinity, which only feeds the idea that their relationship is purely physical - at no point in the movie do we actually see a strong, developing love between them (although the words are there - but action speaks louder than words, right? And passionate love-making in Hollywood usually isn't the equivalent of deep and abiding love - it's sex, and that's all there is to it). Fortunately my contact was bothering me at the time and I did not see the scene. But from the vocal approval of the audience (namely, young men in their late teens and early twenties) I could gauge the level of immorality without having to watch it.

This greatly disappointed me. They ruined what could have been an excellent film. While be it that the plot was indeed weaker, it still could have been a perfectly acceptable film for ALL movie-goers. Does the film industry not realize that they are creating weaker fan-bases by introducing strong sexual content into films? Sex sells, yes. But Hollywood has also proven that films with no explicit sexual content can sell even BETTER. Any movie by Steven Spielberg is a prime example. Or the fact that almost all of cinema history's blockbusters were PG-13. They will make millions of dollars on this film, yes. Everyone who loved the first one will see "Reloaded". But you can bet your bottom dollar that the numbers will decrease for "Revolutions". It sickens me that Hollywood believes that what we ALL want to see is sex. They believe that in order to demonstrate a powerful love between two people they have to have a steamy love-making scene, but to those of us in the know, we see what is really going on (or rather, what isn't).

All in all, I give it a 2.5/5.

May 9, 2003

Well, yesterday was a really tough day. After a few weeks of Beau being a major pain in the butt...he's urinated on my down comforter 3 times, as well as gone outside the litterbox several times now...plays constantly in his water (even after I bought the $40 fountain from Petmate) drinks way too much, talks and talks...well...I decided to take him to the vet. So I dropped him off early yesterday morning before going to work. Laura helped me, because Beau hates travelling, and he needs someone to hold his carrier and pet him while we're in the car. So she was a great help. Well not much longer after I got to work, I received a phone call from his vet telling me that he didn't have an UTI...rather, he had high levels of glucose in his urine and they wanted to do a blood panel to check for diabetes.

Anyway...he definitely has diabetes. They called me later, telling me his blood glucose was at 578 (normal is between 76-145). So the vet wrote me a prescription and I went and got insulin and syringes for Beau. Then Laura and I went back to the vet to get Beau, and learn how to take care of him. The actual injection isn't a big deal - just have to inject him into the scruff of his neck, basically....and he doesn't even notice. But he will have to go back several more times at the most, at least once get blood glucose curves done to make sure he's getting the correct amount of insulin and is being regulated.

This is going to cost me a lot. I was very fortunate yesterday to have only spent $150 for both his urinalysis and blood panels, and also his medication. But the curves are going to cost more. Oh well...he's worth it. He might be 14 but diabetes isn't a death sentence. He can still live many happy, healthy years. I just have to remain consistent in his feeding, his medicating, and his activity levels. I have to watch him carefully, and if I go anywhere get someone I trust to administer to him. But Beau was so happy to come home yesterday afternoon. And a few hours into the injection, he seemed his old self again. So while this has cost me a lot, making him healthy and happy is the true reward!

Apr 28, 2003

Not much new to say. Things are doing pretty good, other than my financial situation. That pretty much sucks, but Mike and I are getting closer with our business. I have a LOT of work to do in the next 2 weeks...and I mean ALOT...on top of my 9-5 job, the gym, church, HE, institute, mentoring...but somehow I will get it done. I have to, if I ever want to be financially free.

Other than the financial situation, things are pretty good. I'm pretty happy. I'm pretty much at peace with myself and my life, where I'm heading, what I'm doing, etc. I'm grateful for the changes I'm making in my life and grateful to my Heavenly Father for inspiring me to make them. I am constantly grateful for the opportunity to receive my endowments in January...that has completely changed my life! My view of things, of my eternal life and progress...I mean, it's not so much that I learned new things, rather it seems to be a side effect of going. My attitude has changed and that is the big thing. Plus working on my health has proven to be more fun that I thought it would be. I haven't really seen any physical changes yet, but I can FEEL physical changes. More energy. Clearer mind. These things are what really matter...if I'm never skinny oh well. What counts is that I am doing what I'm supposed to do - live the word of wisdom, trying to eat healthy, exercising blood pressure and cholesterol are really good. So things are going well in that department. I've majorly cut down on sugar intake as well, but I still have to work on the carbs. I have to eat less starch and breads, that's for sure!

And...I've been talking and meeting new people. Fascinating people. Wonderful people - and that is always fun! I'm also very content being single, for the first time in my life. I don't want to remain single, Heaven knows how much I want to be a wife and a mother (a bit later), but I'm content with whatever God has in store for me. If I need to remain single for a longer period of be it. There are a lot of great things about being single, that's for sure. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't take the opportunity to change my status if it arose! ;)

There's still one thorn in my side. And I hate that I can't do anything about it. I've gotten so much better in the last 4 months concerning my need for control on everything in my life (including people). But I just wish Reid would rise up and be the man I know he is deep down. I wish he would feel that need, and recognize his responsibility and authority as a priesthood holder to try to make things right with me. I know my job is just to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and that's all I can do, but I can't help but hope that he will want to make things right. I don't expect it. I know better. Very few people have ever been able to rise to the occasion, to be honorable, humble, and righteous despite it all...I know how hard it was for me to apologize to him. I'm not saying I'm better than him, no way....I know better than to make that kind of judgement. But I just want him to know I understand it's was very difficult for me, because I wanted to be angry and hateful and resentful (it helped to cloud the pain) but instead I had to come face to face with the pain and do the right thing, despite how every inch of my mind and heart wanted to NOT do the right thing. I also know and understand self-preservation. I have had to keep my distance from certain people who have really did a number on me, but still forgive them. But I also want him to know that I'm not that kind of person..he doesn't need to keep his distance to preserve his dignity and whatever else he's trying to preserve. We both wronged each other...but I did apologize for my part in it all. And I never have and never will purposely hurt someone just to hurt them. Usually it's in retaliation because of the hurt I'm feeling (not right at all...but I'm learning). But I will never write a letter like that again. I KNOW better. And I want him to know that.

But what can I do? I'm moving on, meeting new people, etc and I look forward to my future. But this thorn will show it's ugly face at times, twist itself into my side, and remind me that there is unfinished business that needs to be taken care of. Yet...I'm not the one who can take care of it. I can only hope and pray that the other party will eventually want to.

On a lighter note: you must visit this website. It is hilarious. . If anyone is familiar with the B.S. that Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf spouted before Baghdad fell...then you know what a wonderfully crazy man this is. And this website is hilarious! So check it out:)

Apr 10, 2003

Oh my, I hope this doesn't sound completely shallow, but as I watch the news (and I was so glad to hear about the cheering Iraqis and the fall of Baghdad yesterday) I see those soldiers, and I can't help but think how absolutely and devestatingly sexy they are. I don't know if it has anything to do with how I felt about Reid before, perhaps...I mean I got to see him in his fatigues and that was a major turn-on (which is weird, since I always avoided military men before). But I see these guys, fighting for what they believe in, working hard, sleeping little, living in such bad conditions...getting shot at by snipers, yelled at by others, not being supported by half of their country and by the majority of the world...I mean they are giving their all to be out there. To bring freedom to the Iraqis. To keep freedom strong here back at home. They are willing to give up their lives. What courage and what strength that must take! And they get nothing in return.

Maybe it's all that. I just see them on television and I keep thinking, "what marvelous men and women!" And the men...they look so wonderful (*sigh*). So courageous, and confident, and strong. That is what makes them so unbelievably sexy. I found this picture (I think it's by AP or Reuters) and I love it.

I just had to share. I'm so grateful for what they are doing over there. I wasn't all pro-war when this started, but to see how happy so many Iraqis are because their tormentor is losing control...well even if we don't find WMDs, it is still ok by me. I mean it is reprehensible going into war for any other reason other than the one you state...but as long as we aren't there for the oil, but are there to liberate the still seems worth it. Just seeing those smiling faces are worth it. Hoo-ah, troops!!!

Mar 27, 2003

Well today was an interesting day. I was cruising the web, again trying to do my best guesswork at where Reid could possibly be located right now, and how I could possibly get a letter to him. And lo and behold, he signs into MSN Messenger a little before I left my office for the day. He was only on for a minute, and I tried to talk to him...only two of my messages got through before he signed off. I don't know if it was actually him on the other end...and where he was. I know he was deployed, because I read about it on some news article on the web. He signed off before I was able to tell him to tell his platoon how grateful we are here for what they are doing. Ok, I have been kind of standing in both camps when it comes to this war, but the more and more we get into it the more I see the importance of supporting the troops. And whether the war is legal or not, whether it is sanctioned by the UN or not...none of that matters right now because we are IN it. It is stupid to be out there protesting's a waste of time and it's not going to bring our soldiers home anytime soon. So let's make sure we love, support, and honor our troops. Let's not treat them how the troops were treated when coming back from Vietnam. They need to know America is behind them. That is our job. To be united in that purpose, despite how we feel about the war itself.

Well I really really feel the need to speak with him. I just want to let the past stay in the past. It has been three months, and I am fine. I am happy. Yes, I'm single, but I am really happy about that. I just want him to come to terms with what happened and to let it stay in the past. But I truly cherish his friendship and really wish he felt the same. I especially want him to know how much I support him and wish I could do anything to help. But I can't. All I can do is sit here, in my comfortable and safe apartment, and pray and hope that he, too, will eventually come home to a a comfortable and safe home as well.

On another note, I'm well into my circuit training. It is very enjoyable. I actually find myself looking forward to my workout sessions every day. I really feel like for once I'm going to make a difference in my own life. I am so busy with the business and with my regular job, my callings at church, and of course my work outs, but they are the crux. They help me have the energy I need and I know eventually I will get to the point where the regular aches and pains of the day will be lessened. I don't just want to lose weight...I want to get toned. I want to start up on other sports. I've always wanted to skydive. I want to go camping, I want to go hiking...(no campers! I'm talking the real stuff). I want to see if I can develop the little I know about tennis. I'd love to get into more extreme sports. I want to be able to know I can handle anything that comes my way, and that my body will be an aid, not a hinderance. I've had far too many dreams about war or what-not where I am not capable of doing anything, even saving myself, because I lack the fitness and body strength to do it. Well yeah, these are just dreams (nightmares) but I think my subconscious is telling me to get on the ball. So I'm doing it and I am enjoying it. I do like the feeling of my muscles working, the sweat, the way I feel when I'm done!!! It's great! Now I see why people like this stuff so much!

Well, it's my Uncle's birthday, and also my friend Tony's. Happy Birthday guys! Dad's is coming up in 3 days.

I still haven't been paid by Mike. I don't know why he won't answer me or pay me what he owes me. I am really beginning to be annoyed. I really don't want to have to be a witch, but I can very well be if I have to. But that's only as a last resort. I still have faith in people and I hope this guy pays up what he owes, and that it's some other reason it's been so late. But I need that money to pay my tithing (ironically) and another bill, and if I don't get it I don't know what I am going to do.

Feb 12, 2003

Well! It's interesting how life can change. Ok I know I said this back in September or early October but this time it isn't's because I have been actively working on bringing about a change in my attitude, in my way of viewing things and other people, in my spirituality, in my heart...

Anyway, ok so I know Antonio is going to read this (hiya sexy!;) and what I want to put down into words isn't anything we haven't discussed. He is so awesome and so patient and so, well, wonderful:) He completely empathizes and understands where I am coming from and is patient with me while I try to sort things out in my head and deal with the past issues that haven't completely had closure yet. He knows exactly what I've gone through, and that is a very important thing. He knows what that pain is like. And he is such a strong man, one that I admire greatly, for everything he has accomplished and how he has gotten through those tough times without becoming jaded. And he has such a strong testimony and knowledge of what is right and true...yet he is very open-minded and accepting to others. Plus he feels the same way about Utah as I do;)

I love the fact that I can talk to him about anything; we can share scripture study and talk about doctrine, yet we can talk about politics, computers, gadgets...all that fun stuff. It's so refreshing!

Ok, anyway...hopefully he'll be able to come visit me soon and I'm hoping to see him on my way to Spain next month. So that will totally rock! I so love New York City!

He knows I have my fears though. Part of it stems from, I suppose, a fear of rejection. I had a dream the other night that he got married and conveniently forgot to tell me. Sounds familiar to any of you who know me or have been reading my blogs? Anyway...I was so upset. I really railed on him. But when I later remembered the dream and talked to him about it (and his friend helped me out too) I realized it was probably my subconscious relating back my fear of being hurt so badly again like what just happened with R. I also fear something good too - a fear of commitment perhaps? I never thought that would be a problem I'd have but maybe it is? Or the feelings that I don't deserve anything good? Or that all good things come to an end? I don't really believe that...I'm an optimist, not a pessimist, but sometimes your heart and your mind (and the Adversary, of course) tell you these things to try to get you to not want to take that risk comes down to weighing the risks. 1) do you want to be alone? or 2) are you willing to risk heartache? As I told my Mom many times before...the risk is worth it. And I will continually have trust in people. Every single person has my trust initially. But if they break it, that is when it gets difficult to regain it. And yes, many many people have hurt me over the years...hurt me so terribly and deeply...but I still rise above it and keep on trusting and loving because that is what I have to do. That is the only thing one can do, if they truly want to live life to its fullest and truly experience love.

Well, I guess I gotta get back to work. I just had to put down in words things I've been thinking about and stuff. Signing off...

Feb 7, 2003

Antonio, que malo eres!!!!! You two are evil, evil , evil, evil!!! Yeah, I'm talking about the webcam did you enjoy the show???? ;)

Nos veremos en Nueva York, stud;)

Oh...check out my webcam. Well, I use it too (obviously...even when I don't know I'm on IT!) but during the day I have it trained on a particular place in the apartment to watch the kitties. Laurie especially loves this, so she can see them while in Spain.

Feb 3, 2003

Ok the groundhog in Puxatawny saw his shadow, but Jimmy the Groundhog here in Southern Wisconsin did not! So too bad for those people in Pennsylvania, they'll have a longer winter they we will up here on the frozen tundra;)

Well! I wrote my feelings about the temple down somewhere more private, but I will say this: it was awesome:) I am so glad I decided to go finally. I feel much more peace and strength than ever before. It was EXACTLY what I needed to do to get out of the slump I was in, and I'm so glad I did it.

Well! I'm not sure what else to say at this point. I'm doing well. I know big changes are ahead for me this year and it scares me a bit to think about it, and in a way I know I'm fighting it. I know my time here in Madison is probably coming to a close, and while I do welcome something new and exciting, at the same time I'm getting comfortable in my ways, and have some good friends here. I mean I know I gripe and complain about my boring life and my social life and what-not, but at the same time that is what I'm used to, and changing that will be hard for a fiercely independent person like me. But hey, obviously there are people out there who want to help me and want me to be happy and I'm grateful for them and their advice and the inspiration they give me. Now it's just fighting the fear of change that I have to conquer!

I have been trying to figure out who left the comment on my last post. It was a very nice thing to say, but to whoever left it: No, I cannot guess who you are! Please let me know so I can thank you! :)

Jan 27, 2003

In the words of President David O. McKay, “A beautiful, modest, gracious woman is creation’s masterpiece. When to these virtues a woman possesses as guiding stars in her life righteousness and godliness and an irresistible impulse and desire to make others happy, no one will question if she be classed among those who are truly great.” (Gospel Ideals, Salt Lake City: The Improvement Era, 1953, p. 449.)

Jan 19, 2003

Well, I'm going to the temple on Tuesday. And I'm almost done sewing my temple dress, which is cool. Ok so I don't look very good in white, but that isn't what matters, right? It is making these covenants that is so important.

It is amazing what has been happening to me in the past few days. I can't explain it. Nothing concrete or tangible, but since I spoke with my bishop on Monday and with the stake president on attitude seems to have changed. This is what I have been praying for. I have been wondering why I have so many blessings in my life but I am so depressed and rarely happy. It didn't make sense to me, considering that I had the gospel and I know the significance of the Atonement, yet it wasn't enough.

It's been my focus, I think. I have always considered myself a spiritual person, but in talking with my stake president I began to understand that there is still much more for me to do in that department. My problem is I go about life thinking I'm a human being who once in awhile has a spiritual experience. The truth is that I'm a spiritual being here having a human experience. And while I attend my meetings, pay my tithing, read my scriptures, pray, try my best to love and serve others, keep the commandments...well that isn't enough. These are all actions, but even I, a person who has always felt close to her Father in Heaven, always grateful for what she has...someone who is a good person and religious...even I still needed a mighty change of heart. My heart wasn't hardened in the likeliness of the Lamanites in the Book of Mormon - no. My testimony has always been strong and unwavering...but even that wasn't enough. It is truly experiencing the joy that comes from the simple realization of Christ, and meriting his love. It is understanding how we play roles as saviors to the people around us, when we love them and forgive them when they wrong us. That is what the Atonement is all about - forgiveness of our sins. Now it makes such perfect sense why God has told us again and again that it is REQUIRED of us to forgive all men. We are saviors as well by exercising and understanding the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Isn't that beautiful and amazing? I am so psyched that I am finally getting this.

My stake president knew I had been suffering for quite awhile, even though this was the first time he met me. But his words of encouragement and of wisdom really touched home...and since that night, since I've been a worthy temple recommend holder who will soon be endowed - a peace and a quite, gentle joy has finally settled inside of me. It is amazing. My heart still aches for what I have experienced over the past few weeks, and even the past several years, and I so wish I had more control than I do in these situations. It is painful to realize you can't do anything, you can't change anything...all you can do is accept and give it to the Lord, and move on...and not take it back from Him! Control is a major weakness of mine...I feel so helpless when I have no control over events or people in my life. But this is a tough lesson, yet vital lesson, to be learned. And perhaps I am finally getting it.

Jan 14, 2003

hmmm, well I considered deleting some of these posts, considering that some of the new ppl I've been talking to might think I'm really super weird, considering that they'll probably read my blog to get to know me better. But then I thought to myself - why? This is a reflection of who I am. And if someone doesn't like it, then, who cares? There's no point in pretending to be someone you aren't:) So hello everybody! Welcome to WHO I AM!!!!!!!!

Jan 13, 2003

Why is it that so many men think I am so beautiful, yet the few guys who I fall for end up leaving me? Ok, I know beauty is only skin-deep, but I am a beautiful, caring, generous, loving person inside as well. I am about as far from evil as one could be. Seriously. So I do what I'm supposed to do and I love mankind, and when I finally meet someone that I think, "hey, this could work!" He runs scared, usually into the arms of someone else. I don't get it. I really don't. I've been through too much of this and it is killing me. I have always treated people how I want to be treated. I would love for someone to love me so whole-heartedly as I love them. But when I do, they get scared? What gives?

Jan 11, 2003

well, tomorrow afternoon my sister goes off to Spain. We're going down to the international terminal at O'Hare to see her off. I think her plane leaves at 4:45, so that means we have to be there around 2. I guess I won't be going to church tomorrow - oh well. I am going to miss my sister so much. We argue all the time but she's the only family I have here in Madison. Ok, I know I'm lucky - I have great friends here and my family isn't too far away, but even this past week since she's been gone at home it has been so quiet and lonely around here. Of course, nursing a broken heart doesn't help matters any. My friends have been great at keeping me busy. Keith and I went to Best Buy to shop around, Tara and I went to see "2 Weeks Notice", good movie, by the way, but I still cried because it was too close to home. If only R would act like Hugh Grant did in the end of that movie. But miracles like that just don't happen. People rarely change. Anyway - I spent one evening with Laura and we talked and went out to eat. Last night she came over and we watched "The Sum of All Fears". We agree that if George W hasn't seen that movie, maybe he should. Because it's eerily similar to where we are now. My greatest concern is - if Bush was in the same place as the president was in in this movie, would he have done the same thing and backed down? Probably not. I think he's a little too trigger happy and wants to avenge the mistakes of his father in the Gulf War. There are a lot of great things about Bush, but this is going too far. And the thing is, God has promised this, the promised land, protection from its enemies as long as we never went out and 'started' the fight. Meaning - in defending ourselves we find justice. But he's just going out there and wanting to start this war, and if he does I'm afraid we are going to see more of what is revealed in Revelations start happening. Because Islam will proclaim this a holy war, and the rest of the world isn't too happy with Bush right now, either. Doesn't he see the threat to our nation and to our people? Ok, I'm no political genius, I've only taken a few classes in international politics and there's a lot I don't know. I agree, something has to be done about Iraq, but proclaiming war on them just isn't the answer. All the bloodshed will fall on him, and consequently, on us. And the last days will truly be reaching their end.
I have the best brother in the world. He called me from on the road last night, and when I told him what happened, he said, "you know where he lives, right?" I was like, "yeah." Then he said, "my blood is really boiling. I cannot believe this guy. And he has the priesthood? How dare he treat anyone, especially my sister, like that? Maybe a few of my buddies and I should pay him a visit." I love my brother. Of course I'd never want that to happen - why guys feel that fighting is the answer is beyond me. Besides, R knows judo and has been professionally trained - I wouldn't wish that on my brother. Of course, anger can give you immense strength. But anyway - it is nice knowing there are a few men in my life who love me so much that they would do anything for me. Topher is a wonderful guy. And his girlfriend is a very lucky woman. She has a man who knows how to treat women. Even in the past, when he's had relationship difficulties, he has always been honorable and gentle. He's friends with all his exes, because they know what a great guy he is. He's one in 10 million. I think he should offer training to the rest of the male population.

Jan 10, 2003

You know what - screw him. I'm not going to let anger get at me - although being angry would definitely help me. But there is such thing as righteous indignation, and I think it's time that I exercise it. I have gone out of my way to push away angry, hateful feelings, I have gone out of my way to show love and respect for this person who treated me badly - I have done everything I possibly can. Well, this is where it starts getting fuzzy. Yes, we are REQUIRED to forgive all men, and to love one another. Christ is the perfect example, how as he hung on the cross, he said, concerning the soldiers who mocked, scorned, and spat upon him, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." I think R knows what he's doing, but it's not up to me to make that call. I can love and I can forgive, but that is all that is in my power. What I have to do now is protect myself and move on. I do have a right to be indignant. I am greatly upset that someone who I cared so much about has proven how little he valued/s me. I cannot believe someone who has the gospel could possibly treat someone like this. But there isn't anything I can do about, other than make sure that I never, EVER treat anyone the same, and that I learn from my mistakes.

I will NOT be abused, I will NOT be taken advantage of, I will NOT be used, played, and toyed with. I will NOT be walked all over, just because I have this big heart and great love for people. I need to remove myself from these abusive situations. I feel so badly for him, and for the fact that he refuses to learn from this experience. I ache for him, because I do know what regret and remorse is, and I know someday he will feel that. But I can't get him to see that now, and really, it's not my job.

So I have to say goodbye. I have to leave it where it is. And I HATE that....separation has always been the hardest thing for me. I have always struggled with it. But such is life. And I know I'm strong, so I have to move on.

Jan 8, 2003

You know, sometimes I'm almost ok. But I wake up in the mornings and I just want to crawl into a hole. I have dreams all night about him - some bad, some good, but even the good ones are bad because they aren't true. Ok so it's only been a week, I can't expect to get over this so quickly, but why can't I? We weren't anything other than dating each other. And not even exclusively. I guess it's because I really liked him. I really wanted more. And he led me to believe he wanted likewise. And it isn't so much what happened, but the manner in which he did it. Most people would want to nip it in the bud before something happens like what happened - why on earth didn't he forwarn me? I just don't get it. And then the way he acts - unfortunately so typical, so common - because I know many girls who have gone through the same thing. He denies, he says something along the lines of "you were imagining things", he doesn't speak to you again. Why are men like this? Especially Mormon men, Priesthood holders who KNOW BETTER? I really thought he was different. Learning from each experience that comes his way is important to him. Well, then why doesn't he want to 'learn' from this one? How can he knowingly and intentionally hurt someone is such a cold manner? I understand anger. I understand an initial reaction being like this, obviously since I did it too, but I have apologized at least a dozen times, yet to no avail. He no longer has a right to hold contempt for me, yet he does.

If he really wanted someone to follow him around like a puppy dog, not trust him enough that I'd glare at any girl who talked to him - if he really wanted that I could have given that to him. I was willing to go down there every weekend if he had asked. But I wanted to give him his space and his freedom. He said work took up so much time. Yet not really - he had enough time to hook up with someone else. Why doesn't he GET it? We had so much in common. And I wanted to learn so much from him. I want to experience all the great things he enjoys - I'd love to rock climb, get in shape, and all that. I was hoping he'd help me with that goal. I love adrenaline and love to do daring things. I love to dance. I love somewhat rowdy humor. I like to flirt shamelessly. I enjoy sensuality (within it's proper limits). I adore camping, travelling, and all that good stuff. I love the beach. We have the same financial goals and want to go about it in the same way. I like to be sarcastic, play practical jokes, and I love to laugh. And as for the chemistry, it was definitely there. We were attracted to one another - there is no way either of us can honestly deny it. So what went wrong? Well - I'm probably too serious and emotional for him. But jeez, that is not always a bad thing. He's too unemotional for me. It's probably the soldier in him, who knows. Distance was a problem - I didn't think so but obviously he did. He doesn't really have any healthy relationship with a female in his nuclear family. Not that I thought anything of it until later - because it might explain why he is so emotionally unavailable. But maybe a big player in this is testimony. I never did ask him his. I got his conversion story, but I don't even know what level of priesthood he holds. I don't know how he truly feels and believes. We are probably at vastly different levels in this aspect. I'm not saying one of us is better than the other, but just different. But that didn't have to be a problem, either - we both could have still grown together.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I really felt like this was heading in the right direction. I prayed about it and everything. I was told to move forward. So why would Heavenly Father tell me something like that if it only meant pain and heartache? I am completely perplexed. I wish I could just move on and get over this. It is nothing compared to what I went through with J, because I was completely and totally in love with J - we had actually had a serious relationship and devotion to each other. But this guy...I felt like I have known him forever. I felt so right with him. I felt comfortable, and I could totally be myself and let my guard down. And there are so many things about me that I know he was looking for. So I have no idea what went wrong, and what this other girl has (other than a better figure - I don't want to believe he is that callous but who knows) that I don't. I'm not saying she's worse than me - but I had everything, really. And most of all - I had that loyalty, love, trust, and devotion that simply doesn't exist in too many people. He could have had it all - but he didn't want it. Why?

Jan 6, 2003

You know what - I guess I have learned several things after this whole 'thing'. I went out with this guy because I, too, was just looking for some companionship, some flirting, and some fun. My heart was still involved with the Spanish guy, but I knew I needed something to distract me from that, so I went. After the first date and realizing I really liked him, I tried to keep it casual. I really didn't want anything more than casual dating. I really didn't. But I simply could not keep it casual. I fell for him. Damn it, I fell for him. Because the more I got to know him, the more I liked (even though the emotional unavailability and his periodic freak-outs should have warned me). Why do I fall for emotionally unavailable men? Because usually, the emotionally available men are spineless and no fun. That's why. But anyway. I've learned that 1) I CAN fall in love with someone other than "J". I loved him for 7 years, and I still do, to a point, I guess...but not the same way. 2) I won't settle for anything other than an LDS man who can take me to the temple and the celestial kingdom. "R" was the first LDS man I even dated more than once. It was really, really nice. 3) It is not my job to teach people lessons, which is a form of casting judgement. Which I did to him. I was so angry and wanted him to learn a lesson. Well, that's up to God, NOT me. And if I hadn't written that letter, I never would have finally learned that. 4) I have really learned the power and miracle of forgiveness. I really don't know what it is like to be forgiven, since I'm still waiting for that, but I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness.

After talking with my bishop, and thinking...I realized what I really knew before: I can afford to be choosy. I deserve an 11, because I AM an 11. This is a list of traits that I really want in an eternal companion. After #1, they aren't in any particular order. But #1 is a MUST:

1. Worthy priesthood holder. One who can and will take me to the temple and to the Celestial Kingdom. However, he's been on both sides of the tracks (convert, maybe? Wayward son at one time? Or just someone who learned like I did - by empathy). He is definitely NOT judgemental and he¡'s very open-minded.
2. A fun-loving, active man. This is kind of ironic, since I'm really not this way at all, but in this case I'm looking for someone opposite of me to compliment me.
3. A confident, daring, sarcastic, mischievous man with a somewhat unusual sense of humor. A touch of arrogance but more an attitude than a belief.
4. Suave, smooth, and charming. People love him. He's the life of the party. He genuinely loves people. He has this great big smile that is just irresistible.
5. He is open about who he is, his past and his present. He's not afraid to speak about sex, but he respects it at the same time.
6. He loves to flirt with me. His presence excites me to no end. Just a wink from him can cast chills down my spine. He¡'s more talk than anything (at least, before we are married;) Once we're married, our intimate life will be AWESOME.
7. He has a presence when he walks in the room. You KNOW he's there. He seems to give off an aura of slight cockiness, self-assuredness, and maybe he seems a little stand-offish when you first see him. But once you get to know him, you see the big heart underneath and the love for people that he has. And..he loves to dance and knows how to PARTY!
8. He absolutely adores me. He thinks God created me specifically for him. He loves my little quirks, and is patient with my weaknesses. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. He adores my smile.
9. He loves to surprise me. He's a spontaneous man who finds great joy in giving. He knows I love to surprise and be spontaneous, and we do this for each other. He finds joy in sending me flowers "just because" or throwing surprise birthday parties, and finds joy when I do the same for him.
10. He loves to travel. He's the kind of guy who would suddenly say to me one day, "Let's just go to such-and-such a place this weekend and have fun!"
11. He's outdoorsy. He likes to camp, to hike, to just explore the beauty of God's great Earth. He probably drives a small SUV - a Jeep or something. He's ready to go whenever.
12. He's financially sound. He knows work is important, but he knows his family is of greater importance. He wants to prepare for the future in a logical way, and be able to retire early so that he can spend more time with his family. While he is still working, he finds joy in his work. Maybe we even work together. He's read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad".
13. He loves kids. He wants several, but not too many. I really don't want more than 5! But then again, that's something between us and the Lord.
14. Speaking Spanish is a big plus. I'd love my kids to grow up speaking two languages. Any other language skills is great, too - it means he is culturally diverse and interested in other peoples.
15. He isn't afraid of anything. He likes to do all kinds of daring things --somewhat of an adrenaline junkie. He'll try anything once, and he'll take me and teach me all the exciting things he likes to do - because I really need someone who will encourage me to get out, be daring, and have fun!
16. He's extremely well-mannered and chivalrous. He is high-class and knows how to dress well. He knows how to act in all kinds of situations, and he does it with ease.
17. He's intelligent. It used to be important to me that the guy at least have a bachelor's degree...but if he has the same amount of learning from life experience or some other form of informal education...that's fine. But he has to be able to SPELL and hold an intelligent conversation.
18. He makes me want to be a better person. He completes me, he fills that empty place in my heart. And I do the same for him. We are both willing to admit our mistakes, forgive and forget, and move forward together.
19. He knows what it is like to have a broken heart. Maybe he knows what regret is like. But he will be able to understand me, my past, and rather than be jealous or unsympathetic, his goal will be to make me whole. He is and forever will be my best friend.
20. He will propose to me in some wonderfully romantic fashion. He'll probably know already from my family and friends how I'd love to be taken to NYC, to see Phantom on Broadway, and then taken to dinner. He can be creative in the how and exact place...but he'll have my heart forever. And of course, no yellow-gold regular diamond ring for me. I like platinum and blue diamonds;) Our honeymoon would either be some tropical paradise or Europe. Maybe Greece!

Jan 3, 2003

Love's Risk

There is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love
You can not approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.
It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and unmerciliess.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it's in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.

Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought & desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;
It urges you, instead, to live.

No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart & soul
And Leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...
For in all of life,
Love is truly the only risk worth taking.

Jan 2, 2003

I feel sick inside. I feel horribly sick inside. I don't like this at all. I hate feeling badwill or having someone hate me. I hate this. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. We were supposed to always remain friends. What have we done to each other? What happened? He hurt me. I retaliated in the same immature manner that he treated me. This isn't supposed to end like this. We are both children of God who are loved and valued beyond our wildest imaginations, and we should love and value each other as such. Is there any way all honesty, brutal or not, will get out and we will be able to reconcile? We will be able to admit to each other our own errors of judgement and be able to not leave jaded? I don't want to leave this like this while he goes off to Iraq. I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself if something happened to him, yet my soul just aches with torment and pain because of how I intrepreted the manner he was treating me. I could be way off, or dead on, but I don't know if I will ever know. But even if I am dead on, even so, no matter what happened I need forgiveness and need to forgive. I need that. But he doesn't want to hear from me again. He hates me! He really hates me! And this happened because of the opposite emotion that I have too much of. I don't know what to do, and I am horribly sick inside.
He lied to me. HE lied to me. Here I thought I could completely trust him, because honesty is so important to him. But he lied, or at the very least, withheld information. I hadn't seen him in over 2 months. We had two great dates, and he told me he definitely forsaw a possibility with me. Then I got too serious, and he asked me to back off a bit, because he was freaked out. I obliged. He asked that we go slow, and that is all that he asked. Yet today he tells me I 'imagined' things and that he told me in several emails that he just wanted to be friends, and I said it was ok. I have every single email from him and to him, and no, he never said that. The closest he got was "let's take things slow, and see what happens." I don't care that he dated other people - so did I. I don't care if he even makes out with other people - I didn't, but for me, personally, that's something reserved for a more serious relationship, even though I made out with him on the first date (stupid move!). But somewhere between our first date and New Year's Eve he met some girl and then just recently they hooked up. Ok, that would have killed me in any way he told me, but he should have told me earlier. At the very latest, when I called and asked about the New Year's party. Instead he pulled a "J" on me, and for the fourth time in my life I suddenly realized I was in the same room with a man that I really cared about and he was there with not only another date, but his girlfriend. And he KISSED her right in front of me! Knowing very well what my feelings were for him, and how I was still thinking there was a possibility for the two of us. I never claimed we were an item, I never claimed we were exclusive. NEVER. However, he led me to believe that the possibility of that kind of relationship existed and that he really liked me, thought I was awesome, beautiful...even if a little too emotional and serious at times.

I was hurt and felt betrayed, because he never mentioned that he was getting serious with someone. When that started happening he should have been gentle and kind, but direct and honest about it too - and in a discreet and mature manner. He should have called me up and talked to me. If he would have done it in that fashion, yes I would have been hurt (no one likes rejection) but we could have remained friends. Which is what I wanted. But instead he had several ample opportunities and I didn't find out until about the sixth time I spoke with him, when I asked if I could give him one final kiss goodbye - then he finally admitted the truth.

Maybe he didn't play me at first. Perhaps he was genuinely interested in me. Maybe if I had lived closer things would have been different. But all of his excuses about being too busy for any relationship - yet that was a lie, too - because he has a girlfriend. And only two weeks before he is deployed to the Middle East. Does this make sense? No. Can he blame me for feeling betrayed, hurt, used, and that my feelings were toyed with? Can he really BLAME me?

I hated what he did to me, but I was ready to be his friend anyway. I care about him a lot and I am scared to death for him going off to Iraq, and on the front lines, of all places. I cried and I cried and thank goodness I had three great friends there with me to help me during that awful time. But I wasn't angry until I heard how he degraded me in front of two of them. They just went in to get him so we could have a proper goodbye, and he at first refused. He was like, "No, because I know how it is going to turn out. What am I supposed to do, babysit her for half an hour?" And the way he said it just shocked both April and Gilly. Gilly said she wanted to punch him. He made her promise that it wouldn't be that way. Well, of course she promised but she must have known I wouldn't keep it short and simple. And I didn't - but he just stood there in front of me, still ever the salesman, feigning concern for me but when I looked in his eyes all I saw was annoyance. I was just a mosquito to him. Whatever he had felt for me earlier, when he spoke of future dates, meeting people in his life, things we would do together...whatever he felt had completely vanished.

So I impulsively acted on my anger. I wrote him a nasty, nasty email. Even nastier than the last one I sent to J. I was so hurt. And he responded exactly how I thought he would - not one word of apology, but rather denial and pointing the problem back at me, and then telling me he didn't want me to contact him ever again. Which I won't. If I were him I'd probably react the same way - angry and defensive. But I hope someday he realizes that he should have handled it differently. He can't help it if he falls for someone else - but the way he handled it with me was so cruel and so immature, and here I thought I would never have to go through something like that after J - but I was reliving it all over again.

And what hurts most of all is how I fell from being this beautiful, wonderful person to a knat on the wall in three months. He didn't even want to be my friend - that was obvious is his wanting to never hear from me. He doesn't want to work this out. It is easier for him, perhaps, to hurt me, get me out of the way, and go on with his life. And here I sit, wishing I wasn't so nasty, but I also feel justified in a way. How he spoke of me to my friends was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

But I care about him. I hate that I fell for someone who doesn't give a damn about me (again!!). Someone who I thought could handle my seriousness and my emotions, someone who I thought would allow me in their life and allow me to show them how much I truly care. My problem is I really do love every person I meet, I care too much, and then I fall really hard. But I pray about it and everytime I'm told to keep on going on, and to keep on trusting and loving these people. It is what Christ would do.

I hope someday he understands that despite how much he hurt me, I forgive him, even if he may never ask for my forgiveness. And I hope he can forgive me my tresspasses, my emotional rollercoasters, but realize I only was this way because I cared so damn much about him. I hope he comes home from Iraq, and I hope someday he might realize what is truly important in life. What a vast difference there is between temporal and eternal happiness and joy. That it's not sex and power and money that is important, but love and obedience and family. I hope he will develop his testimony to the point that it needs to be, yet he will still be able to stay as grounded, open-minded and as fun as he is. Because he has so much potential and so much to offer. And someday, if he learns all this, he will make some woman very happy. But if he refuses to learn these important lessons, I'm not sure if he will ever experience the joy that comes from this knowledge and the joy that comes from an equal partnership in love - and the joy that comes in giving love - it's even better than receiving it.

I'll miss him. I wish I wasn't so hasty in my anger and wish I hadn't said all those nasty things - the feelings were true but I could have found a more tactful way of expressing them. I'm not any better in my reaction than he was in his action. And I also wish he knew that I really wasn't imagining anything...I knew where I stood with him...he found me attractive and interesting and wanted to see more of me (up until some point...early November, I think), but that was as far as it got. I told him I knew we were at different levels and accepted that, and I said our friendship was important to me, but I never said "it's ok to be JUST friends" because he never asked for that. If he would have then I would have YES, said, "ok, we can be just friends," and I would have cried for a week but gotten over it. Losing a romantic possibility is definitely better than losing an entire friendship. But he never answered my last serious email--maybe he thought he did, but he hadn't. He never once told me he no longer saw me as a romantic possibility and only wanted to be friends and nothing more. He never defined it. He left me hanging, and this is what I'm so upset about. Part of it is 1) plain old jealousy that he found someone he deems as 'better' than me, 2) the fact that he never truly came out and told me he didn't want anything other than friendship 3) the fact that he had a chance on the phone to tell me about his girlfriend but he didn't 4) the fact that at the dance he kissed her in front of me- which is really rude when you know someone has such feelings for you and that person isn't the person you're locking lips with 5) the fact that he never said a word about her until the very last moment, and probably never would have if I had not asked, and 6) the thing that made me so angry - the way he belittled and degraded me in front of my friends, when I was waiting in the car. How obvious he made it that he was 'through' with me and tired of my concern for him and just tired of ME. And finally, 6) the fact that he really believes he sorted this out with me and he hadn't, and doesn't seem to feel remorse about it. But I can't change anything and I can't change anyone - and I most certainly cannot make someone love me. I wish we could clear the air and forgive one another, but he doesn't seem to want to. And perhaps it's better that way. But it's such a waste and a shame. Oh well. So closes another chapter in my book.