Jan 27, 2003

In the words of President David O. McKay, “A beautiful, modest, gracious woman is creation’s masterpiece. When to these virtues a woman possesses as guiding stars in her life righteousness and godliness and an irresistible impulse and desire to make others happy, no one will question if she be classed among those who are truly great.” (Gospel Ideals, Salt Lake City: The Improvement Era, 1953, p. 449.)

Jan 19, 2003

Well, I'm going to the temple on Tuesday. And I'm almost done sewing my temple dress, which is cool. Ok so I don't look very good in white, but that isn't what matters, right? It is making these covenants that is so important.

It is amazing what has been happening to me in the past few days. I can't explain it. Nothing concrete or tangible, but since I spoke with my bishop on Monday and with the stake president on Thursday..my attitude seems to have changed. This is what I have been praying for. I have been wondering why I have so many blessings in my life but I am so depressed and rarely happy. It didn't make sense to me, considering that I had the gospel and I know the significance of the Atonement, yet it wasn't enough.

It's been my focus, I think. I have always considered myself a spiritual person, but in talking with my stake president I began to understand that there is still much more for me to do in that department. My problem is I go about life thinking I'm a human being who once in awhile has a spiritual experience. The truth is that I'm a spiritual being here having a human experience. And while I attend my meetings, pay my tithing, read my scriptures, pray, try my best to love and serve others, keep the commandments...well that isn't enough. These are all actions, but even I, a person who has always felt close to her Father in Heaven, always grateful for what she has...someone who is a good person and religious...even I still needed a mighty change of heart. My heart wasn't hardened in the likeliness of the Lamanites in the Book of Mormon - no. My testimony has always been strong and unwavering...but even that wasn't enough. It is truly experiencing the joy that comes from the simple realization of Christ, and meriting his love. It is understanding how we play roles as saviors to the people around us, when we love them and forgive them when they wrong us. That is what the Atonement is all about - forgiveness of our sins. Now it makes such perfect sense why God has told us again and again that it is REQUIRED of us to forgive all men. We are saviors as well by exercising and understanding the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Isn't that beautiful and amazing? I am so psyched that I am finally getting this.

My stake president knew I had been suffering for quite awhile, even though this was the first time he met me. But his words of encouragement and of wisdom really touched home...and since that night, since I've been a worthy temple recommend holder who will soon be endowed - a peace and a quite, gentle joy has finally settled inside of me. It is amazing. My heart still aches for what I have experienced over the past few weeks, and even the past several years, and I so wish I had more control than I do in these situations. It is painful to realize you can't do anything, you can't change anything...all you can do is accept and give it to the Lord, and move on...and not take it back from Him! Control is a major weakness of mine...I feel so helpless when I have no control over events or people in my life. But this is a tough lesson, yet vital lesson, to be learned. And perhaps I am finally getting it.

Jan 14, 2003

hmmm, well I considered deleting some of these posts, considering that some of the new ppl I've been talking to might think I'm really super weird, considering that they'll probably read my blog to get to know me better. But then I thought to myself - why? This is a reflection of who I am. And if someone doesn't like it, then, who cares? There's no point in pretending to be someone you aren't:) So hello everybody! Welcome to WHO I AM!!!!!!!!

Jan 13, 2003

Why is it that so many men think I am so beautiful, yet the few guys who I fall for end up leaving me? Ok, I know beauty is only skin-deep, but I am a beautiful, caring, generous, loving person inside as well. I am about as far from evil as one could be. Seriously. So I do what I'm supposed to do and I love mankind, and when I finally meet someone that I think, "hey, this could work!" He runs scared, usually into the arms of someone else. I don't get it. I really don't. I've been through too much of this and it is killing me. I have always treated people how I want to be treated. I would love for someone to love me so whole-heartedly as I love them. But when I do, they get scared? What gives?

Jan 11, 2003

well, tomorrow afternoon my sister goes off to Spain. We're going down to the international terminal at O'Hare to see her off. I think her plane leaves at 4:45, so that means we have to be there around 2. I guess I won't be going to church tomorrow - oh well. I am going to miss my sister so much. We argue all the time but she's the only family I have here in Madison. Ok, I know I'm lucky - I have great friends here and my family isn't too far away, but even this past week since she's been gone at home it has been so quiet and lonely around here. Of course, nursing a broken heart doesn't help matters any. My friends have been great at keeping me busy. Keith and I went to Best Buy to shop around, Tara and I went to see "2 Weeks Notice", good movie, by the way, but I still cried because it was too close to home. If only R would act like Hugh Grant did in the end of that movie. But miracles like that just don't happen. People rarely change. Anyway - I spent one evening with Laura and we talked and went out to eat. Last night she came over and we watched "The Sum of All Fears". We agree that if George W hasn't seen that movie, maybe he should. Because it's eerily similar to where we are now. My greatest concern is - if Bush was in the same place as the president was in in this movie, would he have done the same thing and backed down? Probably not. I think he's a little too trigger happy and wants to avenge the mistakes of his father in the Gulf War. There are a lot of great things about Bush, but this is going too far. And the thing is, God has promised this, the promised land, protection from its enemies as long as we never went out and 'started' the fight. Meaning - in defending ourselves we find justice. But he's just going out there and wanting to start this war, and if he does I'm afraid we are going to see more of what is revealed in Revelations start happening. Because Islam will proclaim this a holy war, and the rest of the world isn't too happy with Bush right now, either. Doesn't he see the threat to our nation and to our people? Ok, I'm no political genius, I've only taken a few classes in international politics and there's a lot I don't know. I agree, something has to be done about Iraq, but proclaiming war on them just isn't the answer. All the bloodshed will fall on him, and consequently, on us. And the last days will truly be reaching their end.
I have the best brother in the world. He called me from on the road last night, and when I told him what happened, he said, "you know where he lives, right?" I was like, "yeah." Then he said, "my blood is really boiling. I cannot believe this guy. And he has the priesthood? How dare he treat anyone, especially my sister, like that? Maybe a few of my buddies and I should pay him a visit." I love my brother. Of course I'd never want that to happen - why guys feel that fighting is the answer is beyond me. Besides, R knows judo and has been professionally trained - I wouldn't wish that on my brother. Of course, anger can give you immense strength. But anyway - it is nice knowing there are a few men in my life who love me so much that they would do anything for me. Topher is a wonderful guy. And his girlfriend is a very lucky woman. She has a man who knows how to treat women. Even in the past, when he's had relationship difficulties, he has always been honorable and gentle. He's friends with all his exes, because they know what a great guy he is. He's one in 10 million. I think he should offer training to the rest of the male population.

Jan 10, 2003

You know what - screw him. I'm not going to let anger get at me - although being angry would definitely help me. But there is such thing as righteous indignation, and I think it's time that I exercise it. I have gone out of my way to push away angry, hateful feelings, I have gone out of my way to show love and respect for this person who treated me badly - I have done everything I possibly can. Well, this is where it starts getting fuzzy. Yes, we are REQUIRED to forgive all men, and to love one another. Christ is the perfect example, how as he hung on the cross, he said, concerning the soldiers who mocked, scorned, and spat upon him, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." I think R knows what he's doing, but it's not up to me to make that call. I can love and I can forgive, but that is all that is in my power. What I have to do now is protect myself and move on. I do have a right to be indignant. I am greatly upset that someone who I cared so much about has proven how little he valued/s me. I cannot believe someone who has the gospel could possibly treat someone like this. But there isn't anything I can do about, other than make sure that I never, EVER treat anyone the same, and that I learn from my mistakes.

I will NOT be abused, I will NOT be taken advantage of, I will NOT be used, played, and toyed with. I will NOT be walked all over, just because I have this big heart and great love for people. I need to remove myself from these abusive situations. I feel so badly for him, and for the fact that he refuses to learn from this experience. I ache for him, because I do know what regret and remorse is, and I know someday he will feel that. But I can't get him to see that now, and really, it's not my job.

So I have to say goodbye. I have to leave it where it is. And I HATE that....separation has always been the hardest thing for me. I have always struggled with it. But such is life. And I know I'm strong, so I have to move on.

Jan 8, 2003

You know, sometimes I'm almost ok. But I wake up in the mornings and I just want to crawl into a hole. I have dreams all night about him - some bad, some good, but even the good ones are bad because they aren't true. Ok so it's only been a week, I can't expect to get over this so quickly, but why can't I? We weren't anything other than dating each other. And not even exclusively. I guess it's because I really liked him. I really wanted more. And he led me to believe he wanted likewise. And it isn't so much what happened, but the manner in which he did it. Most people would want to nip it in the bud before something happens like what happened - why on earth didn't he forwarn me? I just don't get it. And then the way he acts - unfortunately so typical, so common - because I know many girls who have gone through the same thing. He denies, he says something along the lines of "you were imagining things", he doesn't speak to you again. Why are men like this? Especially Mormon men, Priesthood holders who KNOW BETTER? I really thought he was different. Learning from each experience that comes his way is important to him. Well, then why doesn't he want to 'learn' from this one? How can he knowingly and intentionally hurt someone is such a cold manner? I understand anger. I understand an initial reaction being like this, obviously since I did it too, but I have apologized at least a dozen times, yet to no avail. He no longer has a right to hold contempt for me, yet he does.

If he really wanted someone to follow him around like a puppy dog, not trust him enough that I'd glare at any girl who talked to him - if he really wanted that I could have given that to him. I was willing to go down there every weekend if he had asked. But I wanted to give him his space and his freedom. He said work took up so much time. Yet not really - he had enough time to hook up with someone else. Why doesn't he GET it? We had so much in common. And I wanted to learn so much from him. I want to experience all the great things he enjoys - I'd love to rock climb, get in shape, and all that. I was hoping he'd help me with that goal. I love adrenaline and love to do daring things. I love to dance. I love somewhat rowdy humor. I like to flirt shamelessly. I enjoy sensuality (within it's proper limits). I adore camping, travelling, and all that good stuff. I love the beach. We have the same financial goals and want to go about it in the same way. I like to be sarcastic, play practical jokes, and I love to laugh. And as for the chemistry, it was definitely there. We were attracted to one another - there is no way either of us can honestly deny it. So what went wrong? Well - I'm probably too serious and emotional for him. But jeez, that is not always a bad thing. He's too unemotional for me. It's probably the soldier in him, who knows. Distance was a problem - I didn't think so but obviously he did. He doesn't really have any healthy relationship with a female in his nuclear family. Not that I thought anything of it until later - because it might explain why he is so emotionally unavailable. But maybe a big player in this is testimony. I never did ask him his. I got his conversion story, but I don't even know what level of priesthood he holds. I don't know how he truly feels and believes. We are probably at vastly different levels in this aspect. I'm not saying one of us is better than the other, but just different. But that didn't have to be a problem, either - we both could have still grown together.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I really felt like this was heading in the right direction. I prayed about it and everything. I was told to move forward. So why would Heavenly Father tell me something like that if it only meant pain and heartache? I am completely perplexed. I wish I could just move on and get over this. It is nothing compared to what I went through with J, because I was completely and totally in love with J - we had actually had a serious relationship and devotion to each other. But this guy...I felt like I have known him forever. I felt so right with him. I felt comfortable, and I could totally be myself and let my guard down. And there are so many things about me that I know he was looking for. So I have no idea what went wrong, and what this other girl has (other than a better figure - I don't want to believe he is that callous but who knows) that I don't. I'm not saying she's worse than me - but I had everything, really. And most of all - I had that loyalty, love, trust, and devotion that simply doesn't exist in too many people. He could have had it all - but he didn't want it. Why?

Jan 6, 2003

You know what - I guess I have learned several things after this whole 'thing'. I went out with this guy because I, too, was just looking for some companionship, some flirting, and some fun. My heart was still involved with the Spanish guy, but I knew I needed something to distract me from that, so I went. After the first date and realizing I really liked him, I tried to keep it casual. I really didn't want anything more than casual dating. I really didn't. But I simply could not keep it casual. I fell for him. Damn it, I fell for him. Because the more I got to know him, the more I liked (even though the emotional unavailability and his periodic freak-outs should have warned me). Why do I fall for emotionally unavailable men? Because usually, the emotionally available men are spineless and no fun. That's why. But anyway. I've learned that 1) I CAN fall in love with someone other than "J". I loved him for 7 years, and I still do, to a point, I guess...but not the same way. 2) I won't settle for anything other than an LDS man who can take me to the temple and the celestial kingdom. "R" was the first LDS man I even dated more than once. It was really, really nice. 3) It is not my job to teach people lessons, which is a form of casting judgement. Which I did to him. I was so angry and wanted him to learn a lesson. Well, that's up to God, NOT me. And if I hadn't written that letter, I never would have finally learned that. 4) I have really learned the power and miracle of forgiveness. I really don't know what it is like to be forgiven, since I'm still waiting for that, but I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness.

After talking with my bishop, and thinking...I realized what I really knew before: I can afford to be choosy. I deserve an 11, because I AM an 11. This is a list of traits that I really want in an eternal companion. After #1, they aren't in any particular order. But #1 is a MUST:

1. Worthy priesthood holder. One who can and will take me to the temple and to the Celestial Kingdom. However, he's been on both sides of the tracks (convert, maybe? Wayward son at one time? Or just someone who learned like I did - by empathy). He is definitely NOT judgemental and he¡'s very open-minded.
2. A fun-loving, active man. This is kind of ironic, since I'm really not this way at all, but in this case I'm looking for someone opposite of me to compliment me.
3. A confident, daring, sarcastic, mischievous man with a somewhat unusual sense of humor. A touch of arrogance but more an attitude than a belief.
4. Suave, smooth, and charming. People love him. He's the life of the party. He genuinely loves people. He has this great big smile that is just irresistible.
5. He is open about who he is, his past and his present. He's not afraid to speak about sex, but he respects it at the same time.
6. He loves to flirt with me. His presence excites me to no end. Just a wink from him can cast chills down my spine. He¡'s more talk than anything (at least, before we are married;) Once we're married, our intimate life will be AWESOME.
7. He has a presence when he walks in the room. You KNOW he's there. He seems to give off an aura of slight cockiness, self-assuredness, and maybe he seems a little stand-offish when you first see him. But once you get to know him, you see the big heart underneath and the love for people that he has. And..he loves to dance and knows how to PARTY!
8. He absolutely adores me. He thinks God created me specifically for him. He loves my little quirks, and is patient with my weaknesses. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. He adores my smile.
9. He loves to surprise me. He's a spontaneous man who finds great joy in giving. He knows I love to surprise and be spontaneous, and we do this for each other. He finds joy in sending me flowers "just because" or throwing surprise birthday parties, and finds joy when I do the same for him.
10. He loves to travel. He's the kind of guy who would suddenly say to me one day, "Let's just go to such-and-such a place this weekend and have fun!"
11. He's outdoorsy. He likes to camp, to hike, to just explore the beauty of God's great Earth. He probably drives a small SUV - a Jeep or something. He's ready to go whenever.
12. He's financially sound. He knows work is important, but he knows his family is of greater importance. He wants to prepare for the future in a logical way, and be able to retire early so that he can spend more time with his family. While he is still working, he finds joy in his work. Maybe we even work together. He's read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad".
13. He loves kids. He wants several, but not too many. I really don't want more than 5! But then again, that's something between us and the Lord.
14. Speaking Spanish is a big plus. I'd love my kids to grow up speaking two languages. Any other language skills is great, too - it means he is culturally diverse and interested in other peoples.
15. He isn't afraid of anything. He likes to do all kinds of daring things --somewhat of an adrenaline junkie. He'll try anything once, and he'll take me and teach me all the exciting things he likes to do - because I really need someone who will encourage me to get out, be daring, and have fun!
16. He's extremely well-mannered and chivalrous. He is high-class and knows how to dress well. He knows how to act in all kinds of situations, and he does it with ease.
17. He's intelligent. It used to be important to me that the guy at least have a bachelor's degree...but if he has the same amount of learning from life experience or some other form of informal education...that's fine. But he has to be able to SPELL and hold an intelligent conversation.
18. He makes me want to be a better person. He completes me, he fills that empty place in my heart. And I do the same for him. We are both willing to admit our mistakes, forgive and forget, and move forward together.
19. He knows what it is like to have a broken heart. Maybe he knows what regret is like. But he will be able to understand me, my past, and rather than be jealous or unsympathetic, his goal will be to make me whole. He is and forever will be my best friend.
20. He will propose to me in some wonderfully romantic fashion. He'll probably know already from my family and friends how I'd love to be taken to NYC, to see Phantom on Broadway, and then taken to dinner. He can be creative in the how and exact place...but he'll have my heart forever. And of course, no yellow-gold regular diamond ring for me. I like platinum and blue diamonds;) Our honeymoon would either be some tropical paradise or Europe. Maybe Greece!

Jan 3, 2003

Love's Risk

There is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love
You can not approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.
It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and unmerciliess.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it's in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.

Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought & desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;
It urges you, instead, to live.

No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart & soul
And Leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...
For in all of life,
Love is truly the only risk worth taking.

Jan 2, 2003

I feel sick inside. I feel horribly sick inside. I don't like this at all. I hate feeling badwill or having someone hate me. I hate this. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. We were supposed to always remain friends. What have we done to each other? What happened? He hurt me. I retaliated in the same immature manner that he treated me. This isn't supposed to end like this. We are both children of God who are loved and valued beyond our wildest imaginations, and we should love and value each other as such. Is there any way all honesty, brutal or not, will get out and we will be able to reconcile? We will be able to admit to each other our own errors of judgement and be able to not leave jaded? I don't want to leave this like this while he goes off to Iraq. I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself if something happened to him, yet my soul just aches with torment and pain because of how I intrepreted the manner he was treating me. I could be way off, or dead on, but I don't know if I will ever know. But even if I am dead on, even so, no matter what happened I need forgiveness and need to forgive. I need that. But he doesn't want to hear from me again. He hates me! He really hates me! And this happened because of the opposite emotion that I have too much of. I don't know what to do, and I am horribly sick inside.
He lied to me. HE lied to me. Here I thought I could completely trust him, because honesty is so important to him. But he lied, or at the very least, withheld information. I hadn't seen him in over 2 months. We had two great dates, and he told me he definitely forsaw a possibility with me. Then I got too serious, and he asked me to back off a bit, because he was freaked out. I obliged. He asked that we go slow, and that is all that he asked. Yet today he tells me I 'imagined' things and that he told me in several emails that he just wanted to be friends, and I said it was ok. I have every single email from him and to him, and no, he never said that. The closest he got was "let's take things slow, and see what happens." I don't care that he dated other people - so did I. I don't care if he even makes out with other people - I didn't, but for me, personally, that's something reserved for a more serious relationship, even though I made out with him on the first date (stupid move!). But somewhere between our first date and New Year's Eve he met some girl and then just recently they hooked up. Ok, that would have killed me in any way he told me, but he should have told me earlier. At the very latest, when I called and asked about the New Year's party. Instead he pulled a "J" on me, and for the fourth time in my life I suddenly realized I was in the same room with a man that I really cared about and he was there with not only another date, but his girlfriend. And he KISSED her right in front of me! Knowing very well what my feelings were for him, and how I was still thinking there was a possibility for the two of us. I never claimed we were an item, I never claimed we were exclusive. NEVER. However, he led me to believe that the possibility of that kind of relationship existed and that he really liked me, thought I was awesome, beautiful...even if a little too emotional and serious at times.

I was hurt and felt betrayed, because he never mentioned that he was getting serious with someone. When that started happening he should have been gentle and kind, but direct and honest about it too - and in a discreet and mature manner. He should have called me up and talked to me. If he would have done it in that fashion, yes I would have been hurt (no one likes rejection) but we could have remained friends. Which is what I wanted. But instead he had several ample opportunities and I didn't find out until about the sixth time I spoke with him, when I asked if I could give him one final kiss goodbye - then he finally admitted the truth.

Maybe he didn't play me at first. Perhaps he was genuinely interested in me. Maybe if I had lived closer things would have been different. But all of his excuses about being too busy for any relationship - yet that was a lie, too - because he has a girlfriend. And only two weeks before he is deployed to the Middle East. Does this make sense? No. Can he blame me for feeling betrayed, hurt, used, and that my feelings were toyed with? Can he really BLAME me?

I hated what he did to me, but I was ready to be his friend anyway. I care about him a lot and I am scared to death for him going off to Iraq, and on the front lines, of all places. I cried and I cried and thank goodness I had three great friends there with me to help me during that awful time. But I wasn't angry until I heard how he degraded me in front of two of them. They just went in to get him so we could have a proper goodbye, and he at first refused. He was like, "No, because I know how it is going to turn out. What am I supposed to do, babysit her for half an hour?" And the way he said it just shocked both April and Gilly. Gilly said she wanted to punch him. He made her promise that it wouldn't be that way. Well, of course she promised but she must have known I wouldn't keep it short and simple. And I didn't - but he just stood there in front of me, still ever the salesman, feigning concern for me but when I looked in his eyes all I saw was annoyance. I was just a mosquito to him. Whatever he had felt for me earlier, when he spoke of future dates, meeting people in his life, things we would do together...whatever he felt had completely vanished.

So I impulsively acted on my anger. I wrote him a nasty, nasty email. Even nastier than the last one I sent to J. I was so hurt. And he responded exactly how I thought he would - not one word of apology, but rather denial and pointing the problem back at me, and then telling me he didn't want me to contact him ever again. Which I won't. If I were him I'd probably react the same way - angry and defensive. But I hope someday he realizes that he should have handled it differently. He can't help it if he falls for someone else - but the way he handled it with me was so cruel and so immature, and here I thought I would never have to go through something like that after J - but I was reliving it all over again.

And what hurts most of all is how I fell from being this beautiful, wonderful person to a knat on the wall in three months. He didn't even want to be my friend - that was obvious is his wanting to never hear from me. He doesn't want to work this out. It is easier for him, perhaps, to hurt me, get me out of the way, and go on with his life. And here I sit, wishing I wasn't so nasty, but I also feel justified in a way. How he spoke of me to my friends was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

But I care about him. I hate that I fell for someone who doesn't give a damn about me (again!!). Someone who I thought could handle my seriousness and my emotions, someone who I thought would allow me in their life and allow me to show them how much I truly care. My problem is I really do love every person I meet, I care too much, and then I fall really hard. But I pray about it and everytime I'm told to keep on going on, and to keep on trusting and loving these people. It is what Christ would do.

I hope someday he understands that despite how much he hurt me, I forgive him, even if he may never ask for my forgiveness. And I hope he can forgive me my tresspasses, my emotional rollercoasters, but realize I only was this way because I cared so damn much about him. I hope he comes home from Iraq, and I hope someday he might realize what is truly important in life. What a vast difference there is between temporal and eternal happiness and joy. That it's not sex and power and money that is important, but love and obedience and family. I hope he will develop his testimony to the point that it needs to be, yet he will still be able to stay as grounded, open-minded and as fun as he is. Because he has so much potential and so much to offer. And someday, if he learns all this, he will make some woman very happy. But if he refuses to learn these important lessons, I'm not sure if he will ever experience the joy that comes from this knowledge and the joy that comes from an equal partnership in love - and the joy that comes in giving love - it's even better than receiving it.

I'll miss him. I wish I wasn't so hasty in my anger and wish I hadn't said all those nasty things - the feelings were true but I could have found a more tactful way of expressing them. I'm not any better in my reaction than he was in his action. And I also wish he knew that I really wasn't imagining anything...I knew where I stood with him...he found me attractive and interesting and wanted to see more of me (up until some point...early November, I think), but that was as far as it got. I told him I knew we were at different levels and accepted that, and I said our friendship was important to me, but I never said "it's ok to be JUST friends" because he never asked for that. If he would have then I would have YES, said, "ok, we can be just friends," and I would have cried for a week but gotten over it. Losing a romantic possibility is definitely better than losing an entire friendship. But he never answered my last serious email--maybe he thought he did, but he hadn't. He never once told me he no longer saw me as a romantic possibility and only wanted to be friends and nothing more. He never defined it. He left me hanging, and this is what I'm so upset about. Part of it is 1) plain old jealousy that he found someone he deems as 'better' than me, 2) the fact that he never truly came out and told me he didn't want anything other than friendship 3) the fact that he had a chance on the phone to tell me about his girlfriend but he didn't 4) the fact that at the dance he kissed her in front of me- which is really rude when you know someone has such feelings for you and that person isn't the person you're locking lips with 5) the fact that he never said a word about her until the very last moment, and probably never would have if I had not asked, and 6) the thing that made me so angry - the way he belittled and degraded me in front of my friends, when I was waiting in the car. How obvious he made it that he was 'through' with me and tired of my concern for him and just tired of ME. And finally, 6) the fact that he really believes he sorted this out with me and he hadn't, and doesn't seem to feel remorse about it. But I can't change anything and I can't change anyone - and I most certainly cannot make someone love me. I wish we could clear the air and forgive one another, but he doesn't seem to want to. And perhaps it's better that way. But it's such a waste and a shame. Oh well. So closes another chapter in my book.