Jan 2, 2003

He lied to me. HE lied to me. Here I thought I could completely trust him, because honesty is so important to him. But he lied, or at the very least, withheld information. I hadn't seen him in over 2 months. We had two great dates, and he told me he definitely forsaw a possibility with me. Then I got too serious, and he asked me to back off a bit, because he was freaked out. I obliged. He asked that we go slow, and that is all that he asked. Yet today he tells me I 'imagined' things and that he told me in several emails that he just wanted to be friends, and I said it was ok. I have every single email from him and to him, and no, he never said that. The closest he got was "let's take things slow, and see what happens." I don't care that he dated other people - so did I. I don't care if he even makes out with other people - I didn't, but for me, personally, that's something reserved for a more serious relationship, even though I made out with him on the first date (stupid move!). But somewhere between our first date and New Year's Eve he met some girl and then just recently they hooked up. Ok, that would have killed me in any way he told me, but he should have told me earlier. At the very latest, when I called and asked about the New Year's party. Instead he pulled a "J" on me, and for the fourth time in my life I suddenly realized I was in the same room with a man that I really cared about and he was there with not only another date, but his girlfriend. And he KISSED her right in front of me! Knowing very well what my feelings were for him, and how I was still thinking there was a possibility for the two of us. I never claimed we were an item, I never claimed we were exclusive. NEVER. However, he led me to believe that the possibility of that kind of relationship existed and that he really liked me, thought I was awesome, beautiful...even if a little too emotional and serious at times.

I was hurt and felt betrayed, because he never mentioned that he was getting serious with someone. When that started happening he should have been gentle and kind, but direct and honest about it too - and in a discreet and mature manner. He should have called me up and talked to me. If he would have done it in that fashion, yes I would have been hurt (no one likes rejection) but we could have remained friends. Which is what I wanted. But instead he had several ample opportunities and I didn't find out until about the sixth time I spoke with him, when I asked if I could give him one final kiss goodbye - then he finally admitted the truth.

Maybe he didn't play me at first. Perhaps he was genuinely interested in me. Maybe if I had lived closer things would have been different. But all of his excuses about being too busy for any relationship - yet that was a lie, too - because he has a girlfriend. And only two weeks before he is deployed to the Middle East. Does this make sense? No. Can he blame me for feeling betrayed, hurt, used, and that my feelings were toyed with? Can he really BLAME me?

I hated what he did to me, but I was ready to be his friend anyway. I care about him a lot and I am scared to death for him going off to Iraq, and on the front lines, of all places. I cried and I cried and thank goodness I had three great friends there with me to help me during that awful time. But I wasn't angry until I heard how he degraded me in front of two of them. They just went in to get him so we could have a proper goodbye, and he at first refused. He was like, "No, because I know how it is going to turn out. What am I supposed to do, babysit her for half an hour?" And the way he said it just shocked both April and Gilly. Gilly said she wanted to punch him. He made her promise that it wouldn't be that way. Well, of course she promised but she must have known I wouldn't keep it short and simple. And I didn't - but he just stood there in front of me, still ever the salesman, feigning concern for me but when I looked in his eyes all I saw was annoyance. I was just a mosquito to him. Whatever he had felt for me earlier, when he spoke of future dates, meeting people in his life, things we would do together...whatever he felt had completely vanished.

So I impulsively acted on my anger. I wrote him a nasty, nasty email. Even nastier than the last one I sent to J. I was so hurt. And he responded exactly how I thought he would - not one word of apology, but rather denial and pointing the problem back at me, and then telling me he didn't want me to contact him ever again. Which I won't. If I were him I'd probably react the same way - angry and defensive. But I hope someday he realizes that he should have handled it differently. He can't help it if he falls for someone else - but the way he handled it with me was so cruel and so immature, and here I thought I would never have to go through something like that after J - but I was reliving it all over again.

And what hurts most of all is how I fell from being this beautiful, wonderful person to a knat on the wall in three months. He didn't even want to be my friend - that was obvious is his wanting to never hear from me. He doesn't want to work this out. It is easier for him, perhaps, to hurt me, get me out of the way, and go on with his life. And here I sit, wishing I wasn't so nasty, but I also feel justified in a way. How he spoke of me to my friends was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

But I care about him. I hate that I fell for someone who doesn't give a damn about me (again!!). Someone who I thought could handle my seriousness and my emotions, someone who I thought would allow me in their life and allow me to show them how much I truly care. My problem is I really do love every person I meet, I care too much, and then I fall really hard. But I pray about it and everytime I'm told to keep on going on, and to keep on trusting and loving these people. It is what Christ would do.

I hope someday he understands that despite how much he hurt me, I forgive him, even if he may never ask for my forgiveness. And I hope he can forgive me my tresspasses, my emotional rollercoasters, but realize I only was this way because I cared so damn much about him. I hope he comes home from Iraq, and I hope someday he might realize what is truly important in life. What a vast difference there is between temporal and eternal happiness and joy. That it's not sex and power and money that is important, but love and obedience and family. I hope he will develop his testimony to the point that it needs to be, yet he will still be able to stay as grounded, open-minded and as fun as he is. Because he has so much potential and so much to offer. And someday, if he learns all this, he will make some woman very happy. But if he refuses to learn these important lessons, I'm not sure if he will ever experience the joy that comes from this knowledge and the joy that comes from an equal partnership in love - and the joy that comes in giving love - it's even better than receiving it.

I'll miss him. I wish I wasn't so hasty in my anger and wish I hadn't said all those nasty things - the feelings were true but I could have found a more tactful way of expressing them. I'm not any better in my reaction than he was in his action. And I also wish he knew that I really wasn't imagining anything...I knew where I stood with him...he found me attractive and interesting and wanted to see more of me (up until some point...early November, I think), but that was as far as it got. I told him I knew we were at different levels and accepted that, and I said our friendship was important to me, but I never said "it's ok to be JUST friends" because he never asked for that. If he would have then I would have YES, said, "ok, we can be just friends," and I would have cried for a week but gotten over it. Losing a romantic possibility is definitely better than losing an entire friendship. But he never answered my last serious email--maybe he thought he did, but he hadn't. He never once told me he no longer saw me as a romantic possibility and only wanted to be friends and nothing more. He never defined it. He left me hanging, and this is what I'm so upset about. Part of it is 1) plain old jealousy that he found someone he deems as 'better' than me, 2) the fact that he never truly came out and told me he didn't want anything other than friendship 3) the fact that he had a chance on the phone to tell me about his girlfriend but he didn't 4) the fact that at the dance he kissed her in front of me- which is really rude when you know someone has such feelings for you and that person isn't the person you're locking lips with 5) the fact that he never said a word about her until the very last moment, and probably never would have if I had not asked, and 6) the thing that made me so angry - the way he belittled and degraded me in front of my friends, when I was waiting in the car. How obvious he made it that he was 'through' with me and tired of my concern for him and just tired of ME. And finally, 6) the fact that he really believes he sorted this out with me and he hadn't, and doesn't seem to feel remorse about it. But I can't change anything and I can't change anyone - and I most certainly cannot make someone love me. I wish we could clear the air and forgive one another, but he doesn't seem to want to. And perhaps it's better that way. But it's such a waste and a shame. Oh well. So closes another chapter in my book.

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