Jan 2, 2003

I feel sick inside. I feel horribly sick inside. I don't like this at all. I hate feeling badwill or having someone hate me. I hate this. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. We were supposed to always remain friends. What have we done to each other? What happened? He hurt me. I retaliated in the same immature manner that he treated me. This isn't supposed to end like this. We are both children of God who are loved and valued beyond our wildest imaginations, and we should love and value each other as such. Is there any way all honesty, brutal or not, will get out and we will be able to reconcile? We will be able to admit to each other our own errors of judgement and be able to not leave jaded? I don't want to leave this like this while he goes off to Iraq. I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself if something happened to him, yet my soul just aches with torment and pain because of how I intrepreted the manner he was treating me. I could be way off, or dead on, but I don't know if I will ever know. But even if I am dead on, even so, no matter what happened I need forgiveness and need to forgive. I need that. But he doesn't want to hear from me again. He hates me! He really hates me! And this happened because of the opposite emotion that I have too much of. I don't know what to do, and I am horribly sick inside.

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