You know, sometimes I'm almost ok. But I wake up in the mornings and I just want to crawl into a hole. I have dreams all night about him - some bad, some good, but even the good ones are bad because they aren't true. Ok so it's only been a week, I can't expect to get over this so quickly, but why can't I? We weren't anything other than dating each other. And not even exclusively. I guess it's because I really liked him. I really wanted more. And he led me to believe he wanted likewise. And it isn't so much what happened, but the manner in which he did it. Most people would want to nip it in the bud before something happens like what happened - why on earth didn't he forwarn me? I just don't get it. And then the way he acts - unfortunately so typical, so common - because I know many girls who have gone through the same thing. He denies, he says something along the lines of "you were imagining things", he doesn't speak to you again. Why are men like this? Especially Mormon men, Priesthood holders who KNOW BETTER? I really thought he was different. Learning from each experience that comes his way is important to him. Well, then why doesn't he want to 'learn' from this one? How can he knowingly and intentionally hurt someone is such a cold manner? I understand anger. I understand an initial reaction being like this, obviously since I did it too, but I have apologized at least a dozen times, yet to no avail. He no longer has a right to hold contempt for me, yet he does.
If he really wanted someone to follow him around like a puppy dog, not trust him enough that I'd glare at any girl who talked to him - if he really wanted that I could have given that to him. I was willing to go down there every weekend if he had asked. But I wanted to give him his space and his freedom. He said work took up so much time. Yet not really - he had enough time to hook up with someone else. Why doesn't he GET it? We had so much in common. And I wanted to learn so much from him. I want to experience all the great things he enjoys - I'd love to rock climb, get in shape, and all that. I was hoping he'd help me with that goal. I love adrenaline and love to do daring things. I love to dance. I love somewhat rowdy humor. I like to flirt shamelessly. I enjoy sensuality (within it's proper limits). I adore camping, travelling, and all that good stuff. I love the beach. We have the same financial goals and want to go about it in the same way. I like to be sarcastic, play practical jokes, and I love to laugh. And as for the chemistry, it was definitely there. We were attracted to one another - there is no way either of us can honestly deny it. So what went wrong? Well - I'm probably too serious and emotional for him. But jeez, that is not always a bad thing. He's too unemotional for me. It's probably the soldier in him, who knows. Distance was a problem - I didn't think so but obviously he did. He doesn't really have any healthy relationship with a female in his nuclear family. Not that I thought anything of it until later - because it might explain why he is so emotionally unavailable. But maybe a big player in this is testimony. I never did ask him his. I got his conversion story, but I don't even know what level of priesthood he holds. I don't know how he truly feels and believes. We are probably at vastly different levels in this aspect. I'm not saying one of us is better than the other, but just different. But that didn't have to be a problem, either - we both could have still grown together.
I don't know. I honestly don't know. I really felt like this was heading in the right direction. I prayed about it and everything. I was told to move forward. So why would Heavenly Father tell me something like that if it only meant pain and heartache? I am completely perplexed. I wish I could just move on and get over this. It is nothing compared to what I went through with J, because I was completely and totally in love with J - we had actually had a serious relationship and devotion to each other. But this guy...I felt like I have known him forever. I felt so right with him. I felt comfortable, and I could totally be myself and let my guard down. And there are so many things about me that I know he was looking for. So I have no idea what went wrong, and what this other girl has (other than a better figure - I don't want to believe he is that callous but who knows) that I don't. I'm not saying she's worse than me - but I had everything, really. And most of all - I had that loyalty, love, trust, and devotion that simply doesn't exist in too many people. He could have had it all - but he didn't want it. Why?
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