Jan 10, 2003

You know what - screw him. I'm not going to let anger get at me - although being angry would definitely help me. But there is such thing as righteous indignation, and I think it's time that I exercise it. I have gone out of my way to push away angry, hateful feelings, I have gone out of my way to show love and respect for this person who treated me badly - I have done everything I possibly can. Well, this is where it starts getting fuzzy. Yes, we are REQUIRED to forgive all men, and to love one another. Christ is the perfect example, how as he hung on the cross, he said, concerning the soldiers who mocked, scorned, and spat upon him, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." I think R knows what he's doing, but it's not up to me to make that call. I can love and I can forgive, but that is all that is in my power. What I have to do now is protect myself and move on. I do have a right to be indignant. I am greatly upset that someone who I cared so much about has proven how little he valued/s me. I cannot believe someone who has the gospel could possibly treat someone like this. But there isn't anything I can do about, other than make sure that I never, EVER treat anyone the same, and that I learn from my mistakes.

I will NOT be abused, I will NOT be taken advantage of, I will NOT be used, played, and toyed with. I will NOT be walked all over, just because I have this big heart and great love for people. I need to remove myself from these abusive situations. I feel so badly for him, and for the fact that he refuses to learn from this experience. I ache for him, because I do know what regret and remorse is, and I know someday he will feel that. But I can't get him to see that now, and really, it's not my job.

So I have to say goodbye. I have to leave it where it is. And I HATE that....separation has always been the hardest thing for me. I have always struggled with it. But such is life. And I know I'm strong, so I have to move on.

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