Feb 12, 2003

Well! It's interesting how life can change. Ok I know I said this back in September or early October but this time it isn't coincidental..it's because I have been actively working on bringing about a change in my attitude, in my way of viewing things and other people, in my spirituality, in my heart...

Anyway, ok so I know Antonio is going to read this (hiya sexy!;) and what I want to put down into words isn't anything we haven't discussed. He is so awesome and so patient and so, well, wonderful:) He completely empathizes and understands where I am coming from and is patient with me while I try to sort things out in my head and deal with the past issues that haven't completely had closure yet. He knows exactly what I've gone through, and that is a very important thing. He knows what that pain is like. And he is such a strong man, one that I admire greatly, for everything he has accomplished and how he has gotten through those tough times without becoming jaded. And he has such a strong testimony and knowledge of what is right and true...yet he is very open-minded and accepting to others. Plus he feels the same way about Utah as I do;)

I love the fact that I can talk to him about anything; we can share scripture study and talk about doctrine, yet we can talk about politics, computers, gadgets...all that fun stuff. It's so refreshing!

Ok, anyway...hopefully he'll be able to come visit me soon and I'm hoping to see him on my way to Spain next month. So that will totally rock! I so love New York City!

He knows I have my fears though. Part of it stems from, I suppose, a fear of rejection. I had a dream the other night that he got married and conveniently forgot to tell me. Sounds familiar to any of you who know me or have been reading my blogs? Anyway...I was so upset. I really railed on him. But when I later remembered the dream and talked to him about it (and his friend helped me out too) I realized it was probably my subconscious relating back my fear of being hurt so badly again like what just happened with R. I also fear something good too - a fear of commitment perhaps? I never thought that would be a problem I'd have but maybe it is? Or the feelings that I don't deserve anything good? Or that all good things come to an end? I don't really believe that...I'm an optimist, not a pessimist, but sometimes your heart and your mind (and the Adversary, of course) tell you these things to try to get you to not want to take that risk again...it comes down to weighing the risks. 1) do you want to be alone? or 2) are you willing to risk heartache? As I told my Mom many times before...the risk is worth it. And I will continually have trust in people. Every single person has my trust initially. But if they break it, that is when it gets difficult to regain it. And yes, many many people have hurt me over the years...hurt me so terribly and deeply...but I still rise above it and keep on trusting and loving because that is what I have to do. That is the only thing one can do, if they truly want to live life to its fullest and truly experience love.

Well, I guess I gotta get back to work. I just had to put down in words things I've been thinking about and stuff. Signing off...

Feb 7, 2003

Antonio, que malo eres!!!!! You two are evil, evil , evil, evil!!! Yeah, I'm talking about the webcam episode....lol did you enjoy the show???? ;)

Nos veremos en Nueva York, stud;)

Oh...check out my webcam. Well, I use it too (obviously...even when I don't know I'm on IT!) but during the day I have it trained on a particular place in the apartment to watch the kitties. Laurie especially loves this, so she can see them while in Spain.

Feb 3, 2003

Ok the groundhog in Puxatawny saw his shadow, but Jimmy the Groundhog here in Southern Wisconsin did not! So too bad for those people in Pennsylvania, they'll have a longer winter they we will up here on the frozen tundra;)

Well! I wrote my feelings about the temple down somewhere more private, but I will say this: it was awesome:) I am so glad I decided to go finally. I feel much more peace and strength than ever before. It was EXACTLY what I needed to do to get out of the slump I was in, and I'm so glad I did it.

Well! I'm not sure what else to say at this point. I'm doing well. I know big changes are ahead for me this year and it scares me a bit to think about it, and in a way I know I'm fighting it. I know my time here in Madison is probably coming to a close, and while I do welcome something new and exciting, at the same time I'm getting comfortable in my ways, and have some good friends here. I mean I know I gripe and complain about my boring life and my social life and what-not, but at the same time that is what I'm used to, and changing that will be hard for a fiercely independent person like me. But hey, obviously there are people out there who want to help me and want me to be happy and I'm grateful for them and their advice and the inspiration they give me. Now it's just fighting the fear of change that I have to conquer!

I have been trying to figure out who left the comment on my last post. It was a very nice thing to say, but to whoever left it: No, I cannot guess who you are! Please let me know so I can thank you! :)