Feb 12, 2003

Well! It's interesting how life can change. Ok I know I said this back in September or early October but this time it isn't coincidental..it's because I have been actively working on bringing about a change in my attitude, in my way of viewing things and other people, in my spirituality, in my heart...

Anyway, ok so I know Antonio is going to read this (hiya sexy!;) and what I want to put down into words isn't anything we haven't discussed. He is so awesome and so patient and so, well, wonderful:) He completely empathizes and understands where I am coming from and is patient with me while I try to sort things out in my head and deal with the past issues that haven't completely had closure yet. He knows exactly what I've gone through, and that is a very important thing. He knows what that pain is like. And he is such a strong man, one that I admire greatly, for everything he has accomplished and how he has gotten through those tough times without becoming jaded. And he has such a strong testimony and knowledge of what is right and true...yet he is very open-minded and accepting to others. Plus he feels the same way about Utah as I do;)

I love the fact that I can talk to him about anything; we can share scripture study and talk about doctrine, yet we can talk about politics, computers, gadgets...all that fun stuff. It's so refreshing!

Ok, anyway...hopefully he'll be able to come visit me soon and I'm hoping to see him on my way to Spain next month. So that will totally rock! I so love New York City!

He knows I have my fears though. Part of it stems from, I suppose, a fear of rejection. I had a dream the other night that he got married and conveniently forgot to tell me. Sounds familiar to any of you who know me or have been reading my blogs? Anyway...I was so upset. I really railed on him. But when I later remembered the dream and talked to him about it (and his friend helped me out too) I realized it was probably my subconscious relating back my fear of being hurt so badly again like what just happened with R. I also fear something good too - a fear of commitment perhaps? I never thought that would be a problem I'd have but maybe it is? Or the feelings that I don't deserve anything good? Or that all good things come to an end? I don't really believe that...I'm an optimist, not a pessimist, but sometimes your heart and your mind (and the Adversary, of course) tell you these things to try to get you to not want to take that risk again...it comes down to weighing the risks. 1) do you want to be alone? or 2) are you willing to risk heartache? As I told my Mom many times before...the risk is worth it. And I will continually have trust in people. Every single person has my trust initially. But if they break it, that is when it gets difficult to regain it. And yes, many many people have hurt me over the years...hurt me so terribly and deeply...but I still rise above it and keep on trusting and loving because that is what I have to do. That is the only thing one can do, if they truly want to live life to its fullest and truly experience love.

Well, I guess I gotta get back to work. I just had to put down in words things I've been thinking about and stuff. Signing off...

No comments:

Post a Comment