Apr 28, 2003

Not much new to say. Things are doing pretty good, other than my financial situation. That pretty much sucks, but Mike and I are getting closer with our business. I have a LOT of work to do in the next 2 weeks...and I mean ALOT...on top of my 9-5 job, the gym, church, HE, institute, mentoring...but somehow I will get it done. I have to, if I ever want to be financially free.

Other than the financial situation, things are pretty good. I'm pretty happy. I'm pretty much at peace with myself and my life, where I'm heading, what I'm doing, etc. I'm grateful for the changes I'm making in my life and grateful to my Heavenly Father for inspiring me to make them. I am constantly grateful for the opportunity to receive my endowments in January...that has completely changed my life! My view of things, of my eternal life and progress...I mean, it's not so much that I learned new things, rather it seems to be a side effect of going. My attitude has changed and that is the big thing. Plus working on my health has proven to be more fun that I thought it would be. I haven't really seen any physical changes yet, but I can FEEL physical changes. More energy. Clearer mind. These things are what really matter...if I'm never skinny oh well. What counts is that I am doing what I'm supposed to do - live the word of wisdom, trying to eat healthy, exercising regularly....my blood pressure and cholesterol are really good. So things are going well in that department. I've majorly cut down on sugar intake as well, but I still have to work on the carbs. I have to eat less starch and breads, that's for sure!

And...I've been talking and meeting new people. Fascinating people. Wonderful people - and that is always fun! I'm also very content being single, for the first time in my life. I don't want to remain single, Heaven knows how much I want to be a wife and a mother (a bit later), but I'm content with whatever God has in store for me. If I need to remain single for a longer period of time...so be it. There are a lot of great things about being single, that's for sure. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't take the opportunity to change my status if it arose! ;)

There's still one thorn in my side. And I hate that I can't do anything about it. I've gotten so much better in the last 4 months concerning my need for control on everything in my life (including people). But I just wish Reid would rise up and be the man I know he is deep down. I wish he would feel that need, and recognize his responsibility and authority as a priesthood holder to try to make things right with me. I know my job is just to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and that's all I can do, but I can't help but hope that he will want to make things right. I don't expect it. I know better. Very few people have ever been able to rise to the occasion, to be honorable, humble, and righteous despite it all...I know how hard it was for me to apologize to him. I'm not saying I'm better than him, no way....I know better than to make that kind of judgement. But I just want him to know I understand it's difficult...it was very difficult for me, because I wanted to be angry and hateful and resentful (it helped to cloud the pain) but instead I had to come face to face with the pain and do the right thing, despite how every inch of my mind and heart wanted to NOT do the right thing. I also know and understand self-preservation. I have had to keep my distance from certain people who have really did a number on me, but still forgive them. But I also want him to know that I'm not that kind of person..he doesn't need to keep his distance to preserve his dignity and whatever else he's trying to preserve. We both wronged each other...but I did apologize for my part in it all. And I never have and never will purposely hurt someone just to hurt them. Usually it's in retaliation because of the hurt I'm feeling (not right at all...but I'm learning). But I will never write a letter like that again. I KNOW better. And I want him to know that.

But what can I do? I'm moving on, meeting new people, etc and I look forward to my future. But this thorn will show it's ugly face at times, twist itself into my side, and remind me that there is unfinished business that needs to be taken care of. Yet...I'm not the one who can take care of it. I can only hope and pray that the other party will eventually want to.

On a lighter note: you must visit this website. It is hilarious. http://welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com . If anyone is familiar with the B.S. that Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf spouted before Baghdad fell...then you know what a wonderfully crazy man this is. And this website is hilarious! So check it out:)

Apr 10, 2003

Oh my, I hope this doesn't sound completely shallow, but as I watch the news (and I was so glad to hear about the cheering Iraqis and the fall of Baghdad yesterday) I see those soldiers, and I can't help but think how absolutely and devestatingly sexy they are. I don't know if it has anything to do with how I felt about Reid before, perhaps...I mean I got to see him in his fatigues and that was a major turn-on (which is weird, since I always avoided military men before). But I see these guys, fighting for what they believe in, working hard, sleeping little, living in such bad conditions...getting shot at by snipers, yelled at by others, not being supported by half of their country and by the majority of the world...I mean they are giving their all to be out there. To bring freedom to the Iraqis. To keep freedom strong here back at home. They are willing to give up their lives. What courage and what strength that must take! And they get nothing in return.

Maybe it's all that. I just see them on television and I keep thinking, "what marvelous men and women!" And the men...they look so wonderful (*sigh*). So courageous, and confident, and strong. That is what makes them so unbelievably sexy. I found this picture (I think it's by AP or Reuters) and I love it.

I just had to share. I'm so grateful for what they are doing over there. I wasn't all pro-war when this started, but to see how happy so many Iraqis are because their tormentor is losing control...well even if we don't find WMDs, it is still ok by me. I mean it is reprehensible going into war for any other reason other than the one you state...but as long as we aren't there for the oil, but are there to liberate the Iraqis...it still seems worth it. Just seeing those smiling faces are worth it. Hoo-ah, troops!!!