Nov 3, 2003

"Even when love wounds you, that’s because love matters so much. The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you.

Your longing to belong forever to a loving family comes from God, and He has promised its fulfillment, if you are faithful: “For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness” (Ps. 107:9). I know His promise is sure." - excerpt from an article by Elder Hafen in the Ensign Oct 2003 issue.

You know, everyone was right about him. Ok, so I did really get over him by March or so...but I was so determined to do the right thing, to be Christ-like and forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continue being a friend although he obviously didn't care. Then suddenly, out of the blue, sometime last month he responds to a forward I sent. I was so ecstatic (however cautious...I'm not an idiot) and after a few replies from him I cautiously assumed he had, indeed forgiven me for my trespasses against him. And I know men never apologize, at least not most of them, so I assumed that his contacting me was in its own way an apology for what he had done to me.

Little did I know why he suddenly decided to "forgive" me. Of course forgiveness is an easier thing to do after you already have what you want in life...but when you are struggling yourself the ability to forgive is a much more difficult thing to do. Yet as much as I struggled in January, I found it within myself...that resilience and peserverence that is forgive him. I didn't have what I wanted but I still did it. It was very difficult, especially after everything I had gone through in the past 7 years in similar circumstances, but I did it anyway. he writes me on Friday and tells me he's "currently" married. Whatever "currently" means. Considering our religious view on marriage as an eternal relationship, I don't think the word "currently" should be used in that sentence. The word suggests a timeline rather than a finality. But know, I knew that he had gotten married but since he never did tell me I supposed it was just the imaginations of my mind. So it was of little surprise to hear, but it angered me because of the condescension in the email. I'm sure he was sincere, but no one wants to hear how great or wonderful they are from someone who 'gave' you up (or in this case, he didn't even give me a chance before moving on). I've heard this all too many times but the fact of the matter is: it doesn't matter how many syrupy compliments, sincere or not, that you lay on....the truth is still bold and abundantly clear...yes you are awesome, but not awesome enough. Not awesome enough for me.

People mean well when they say these things, be they friends or old flames who have 'moved on' in life, up the ladder of success or on to a different level, leaving you behind. It may not be that you in fact feel you are left behind, but their sincere words are proof that they think you are behind them. Being married means you're not stuck playing the stupid dating game anymore. In our religion it has an almost ghastly connotation of being a 'reward' -- which is so NOT the case. All anyone would have to do is listen to the prophet to understand that. Marriage is the status quo in Mormonism....being single is not something to be envied (most of the time).

You know, I finally, after all these years, came to accept my marital status and be happy about it! I have spent so much time working with my ward and trying to teach the correct principles of the gospel...and while eternal marriage is a goal we should all have, it is vitally necessary to understand that we MUST NOT under any circumstances place our individual worth upon our marital status. The plan of happiness includes eternal families, yes-- but the Atonement is a very singular, individual thing. In the end, despite all the good and bad influences that people have had on you and you on others, you are only able to save yourself through the Atonment of Jesus cannot save anyone else, even an eternal companion.

It's sad to see so many LDS single adults feel inferior because they are single. It's sad to see them rush into marriage for a variety of reasons..maybe checking off their "Eternal To-Do" list, to satisfy their resounding loneliness and feelings of inadequacy, or simply they do it thinking that getting married is automatic approval to have sex. You might indeed have that go-ahead after marriage, but rushing into is is NOT going to please our Heavenly Father. His plan of happiness is a simple and beautiful one..but we must remember we are playing with eternity..playing with powers or procreation and deep emotions and responsibilities.

So what am I saying? I'm saying that I had finally accepted my marital status and found joy in it...realized that being single wasn't a 'waiting' period...and that it was the best time to develop a strong relationship with my Savior and to provide service to others who need it. It's the best time to develop personal traits and talents which I won't be able to have time to do once I'm married. It's a selfish time...yes...but it's the only time we are able to get away with being selfish and putting ourselves as number one on our priority list.

But then I'm reminded, by this sincere although ill-timed letter that no, I don't have what I really yearn and long for. Right now my job is uncertain, I'm unsure of what to do with my life...and deep down all I yearn for and long for, despite finally accepting my status, is to be a wife and a mother. That's one of the main reasons I'm down here on this earth. And I have to fight every day those longings and focus on other issues at hand. But here I am..about to go out and have a blast with my friends on Halloween, and I finally get the truth that I had suspected. Needless to say, it totally ruined my whole evening (and my whole weekend, consequently). Whether he intended that or not...I'll never know....but I was miserable. Not because I had wanted to marry him (although I'm still upset that he never gave me the chance he told me he would), but because of the fact that even after everything he had done to me, he still received those very blessings that I have been longing for and promised. Life isn't fair, no one has to tell me that, but why? Why do these things happen?

I fear I might be jumping to conclusions or being judgmental here, and this I do not mean to be. I have no idea how he got married, when...and why. Maybe he did repent of his using me (although I always thought part of the repentence process was apologizing to the person you had offended), maybe he didn't lie about going to Iraq or later about his whereabouts being secret...maybe he truly loved this woman and he did it all in the right way by marrying in the temple for time and eternity. And if he did it this way, I am extremely happy for him. Everyone deserves to have those blessings. I can't lie and say I'm not jealous that I don't have the very same blessing...but I'm happy for him. But...if he didn't do it this way...well I hope that he is still happy and that someday he will make it to the temple. So I guess it doesn't really matter how he did it...but I hope the consequences of his actions, whatever they were/are....have given him the joy that I long for for myself.

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