Dec 18, 2003

Oh Jeremy....do you realize how much I love you? I know we both feel like we can't say it enough...and that words are so inadequate in expressing the deep and abiding love we have for each other. Jeremy, I am so glad we were able to meet the way we did...to be able to fall in love with each other without going through the 'infatuation' phase that so often accompanies traditional courtship, due to the physical proximity and inability to get enough of each other in that sense. But with us, since we have gotten to know each other in such a unique and special manner...to get to know each other from within..to recognize how our spirits 'click', to talk for hours on end and discover each other's personalities, fears, dreams, goals, accomplishments...yet remarkably still have such a strong physical attraction for one another...it is simply amazing.

I never was one to really believe in fate or in that 'one' soulmate. I've always believed that there are certain individuals in this life that have a connection (for lack of better terminology) on such a different level that they are able to recognize it and become so emotionally and spiritually close that many people are unable to understand exactly what that entails. However, I do, to a certain degree, believe in predetermination...and I believe...rather...I know that we knew each other in the pre-existence. I know that Heavenly Father has decided it so very important that we be united together in eternal matrimony, that he didn't merely watch us and say "well you two would be a good match." Rather...in our case, he prepared us so meticulously...and I believe every single trial we have endured as individuals...every person we have loved...every time our hearts have been broken and we have been humbled before the Lord...all of this lead to being ready for each other. I know there are other reasons for the trials and the experiences that happen in life...to learn and grow...to gain exhaltation...and to literally become as God. Yet through divine inspiration our Heavenly Father said, "Man is not meant to be alone." He planned it this way for a reason and a very sacred purpose! By our union, we will begin that road as one..united in purpose and faith. He knew we could only do so much as individuals, and prepared us for the time where we could no longer progress further in our lives without the other. I truly believe this...in fact I know it.

Oh Jeremy...I have said it before, but I will say it again. You really are my miracle. I never thought I would be able to completely let go of my past...of the painful unrequitted love I endured...and I was so worried I would not be able to give completely of myself to another man. I was so afraid I would not be able to love as much as I had. When I began to have an inkling about us...when the still small voice whispered peace to my heart and prompted me to even contemplate it...I was so afraid because I knew that when I fell in love, I had to be able to give 100%. And Jeremy...oh Jeremy...it really is a miracle. You really are. You have given me what I have ached for...for so many years. I have wanted someone to love me as much as I was able to love. I knew I was capable of true unconditional love...but I had never been loved back as such. And your love for me seems to surpass my greatest dreams of what it could be! You are the man...the only man who could give this to me, and I love you so much for it. I cherish you. I am inspired and humbled by you. I am surprised by my openness with you...to share everything about me with you. I've always considered myself an open person, but even those few things...the things every person has...the sins they have committed, the shame they feel for those past transgressions...I have been able to share those with you, and you are the first person to know of them. Yet you still love me!

I know I sound mushy and hopelessly lost...and many people might look at us and think "gee, that's not going to last." But they are so wrong. I know it, and you know it...and we know it because our Father in Heaven has told us. We know it won't be easy. We know we have many difficult trials and challenges ahead of us. We have been told this. But our love for God and our willingness to put Him first will be the vital ingredient in making our marriage last for eternity. Since we love Him so much, and are willing to sacrifice and obey His Will...we will make it.

Jeremy, I never thought I'd turn into such a sap, but I love you. Oh how I love you!
First of all, I realize that I may seem very hypocritical. Just a month ago I was condemning rushing into marriage, and here I am...although not necessarily rushing it...I already know (we already know) we will be married...I guess to the naked eye it looks like I could be making the same grave mistake many couples do, but let me bear my testimony on this fact lest anyone judge me.

I have known too many couples have their marriage end in divorce because they weren't adequately prepared for marriage. Perhaps they married for the wrong reasons. Perhaps they married for the right reasons, but didn't take time to get to know each other. Or maybe they prayed about it and asked God..but didn't really hear the answer. I don't know...I'm not to judge. I don't judge people's marriages...but I feel strongly about advising everyone (including myself!!!) against rushing anything. Heavenly Father has a timeline for us...and that is what is vital to understand. He knows where we are concerning our preparedness. Some of us are already 'ready'...but perhaps our future companion is not. Perhaps he or she made an incorrect choice...and we are left having to pick up the pieces and continue on in life on a different road map than previously. But the Lord will not withold blessings! He is omnipotent and omnipresent..and he must take into consideration the free agency of others! I know this, because he promised me something that had to do with another's free agency..and it didn't not happen. But the Lord is wise and just...and even before that promise...he was preparing another (or others) as well. I truly believe this. And I know I'm with the man that I am supposed to be with. This is perfectly clear to me. Heavenly Father, knowing my heart, knowing how hard I have been working on accepting my life as it were...to truly submitting my will to His own (and trust me...it has been a long and ardous road - I was and still am constantly trying to convince Him that I know what's best for me. Thank goodness the Spirit directs me otherwise!) has blessed me with the greatest desire of my heart. I would ungrateful if I did not recognize His hand...and recognize the responsibilities that this brings upon my shoulders.

My point? Rushing into marriage to alleviate loneliness...to satisfy sexual desire...to avoid culture stigmas...to just have children...whatever reasons that may come up...is wrong. It is a painful decision and the consequences of such can be disasterous. Yet I also believe in divine inspiration and revelation...and when the Lord tells me to do something, or tells me it is right...I act on it.

I do not know why the Lord felt it important that I meet my eternal companion in the manner I have. I do not know why he inspired both of us, after prayerful consideration and fasting..that we were to be married...and why he did it so quickly. For some it takes dating for awhile...or maybe a long courtship. To others perhaps the things they learned in previous experiences already taught them what they needed and therefore they were inspired early in the relationship. I do not know the mysteries of God, but I do know His voice and the power of the Holy Ghost, and I will not deny it. It is kind of ironic, actually...and I figured early on that Heavenly Father would introduce me to Jeremy in the manner in which he did. I have to chuckle at the irony and shake my head. I realize I need to be an example to others by not being a hypocrite. I still believe everything I have mentioned previous to knowing Jeremy. I truly do. Finding him does not change that.

Dec 15, 2003

I have found him! We've found each other! I am so happy and so utterly grateful to my Father in Heaven for guiding us to each other. I'm so grateful for the experiences I've had in life that have led me to recognize Jeremy when I did...to love him and to appreciate everything about him. I especially appreciate his humility and his weaknesses...I'm grateful to know everything about him..and to know he's human..like me. I'm grateful I'm able to love him with all my heart, mind, and soul....yet not put him on a pedestal and expect perfection. But oh, how perfect he is for me! We compliment each other in so many ways. We have the same outlook and ideals and beliefs. We know exactly how we want to raise our children. We have spoken extensively about financial dreams, education, the gospel, our past and our hopes for the future, our fears and our foibles, our ideas about child rearing, marriage....and so much else. We still have a lot to learn about each other but Heavenly Father decided that it was time that we met...and prayed...and realized that we were meant to be together.

I love him so much. Words cannot adequately express my gratitude and my humility to have him in my life..to feel his love and to love him in return. He is so patient and willing to wait forever and a day for me. He knows my heart has been broken and yet he is determined to literally heal my heart. He expresses his gratitude and his love for me in such a way that the Spirit testifies so strongly to me that he is indeed a choice Son of God. His past has not left him desolate and bitter; rather he rejoices in his trials and in the things he has learned. He has overcome so much. This remarkable man joined the church just 3 years ago..two weeks into boot camp (he's a US Marine who just returned from Iraq...he's my 'cute' marine ;) He humbled himself before the Lord and joined the very church he so disliked before..because he recognized truth in its gospel and correct principles. He loves the Lord and wants to serve Him, even if it means putting aside marriage. He loves me and wants to serve me. He wants to bless me with children.

I never knew a man such as he existed. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be able to get over the previous love of my life...and find someone who I have, in fact...loved my whole life. I just put a different face on that man until I finally found him. I never knew someone could love me so much and with so much fire and spirit. He completes me. His quirky sense of humor and his romantic ways of expressing his feelings are so endearing. His drive to succeed and provide for his future family....his intelligence and wit...his confidence and charm...and his voice (I really really love to hear his voice - especially when he's singing "Happy Birthday" ;) absolutely blow my mind! How could I have possibly guessed that Heavenly Father allowed me to suffer so much pain and heartache over the past several years only to find someone who surpassed all my expectations? Sometimes I feel so unworthy of him and his love, but I know that we are meant to be together. He has reminded me that I am desirable, that I am beautiful, that I am a special daughter of God...one who God loves very much...he loves me so much, with all of his soul..and I never thought I'd ever find that. And most importantly, his love to follow the Lord is the greatest blessing I can imagine. He fasted for two days to receive the answer that we were to be married. He is so honest and so forthright...and I love the way he flirts and makes me feel like I am truly a woman. He is such a beautiful man, inside and out, and I am just flabbergasted that the Lord has been so mindful of me. All I can say is wow. Jeremiah _____, you are my life and my love. You will be my husband and I your wife. And I love you...and I am announcing this to the entire world. I will wait for you, if you are called on a mission. I will do everything the Lord requires of me to be worthy of you. I will support you and cherish you. You are truly my everything.