I am so ashamed of myself. I cannot believe what I have done. I have always had a deep desire to do the Lord's will, but the Adversary used my controlling nature which took over this past month, and of that I am utterly ashamed. I tried to manipulate the Lord's will to match my own. I pushed Jeremy over the edge. I did not hearken to or respect his priesthood. I made him question himself so much that in the end, I pushed him to deny the most precious answer the Lord had given to him. He testified across the pulpit, in front me, my bishop, my entire congregation, and our God, of his desire to serve a mission, and of his eternal love for me. I pushed him so far, that I made him question both, and in the end, deny his love. I cannot believe how selfish I was. I would not love the woman I was, either. I was a manipulative, selfish, controlling woman who let the Adversary control her. I did not know what I was doing, though - I did not mean to be that person!
I did not understand any of this until I met with that young Marine, PFC Matt Dodd, and shared the gospel. I only then understood how joy comes from truly doing the Lord's will -- and by service. I now understand my whole part in this entire trauma...and I am so very sorry. I pushed the man I loved way too far, and I wish with all my heart and soul that I could take it back. I know I will never do it again, but now it is too late, and I might have to live with the consequences of my transgression for the rest of eternity. I know that my God will forgive me, but the man that I love, that man that fell in love with the real me, the man whose trust I have nearly abolished...the one who then fell out of love with the woman who took over this past month, the woman who I hope someday he realizes is NOT the real me...will he ever forgive me? Will he ever trust again? I do not know.