Feb 22, 2004

I just wanted to mention how grateful I am to the Lord for his wisdom, for his mercy, and even for my trials and adversity. On my way home from church today, I was thinking about how grateful I am to have the gospel in my life. How truly grateful I am! I don't know how people live through this life without it, because I know I would be a mess without it. Knowing, not just believing, that there is a Heavenly Father up there who loves me, and knowing that through faith all things are possible -- it is just such a precious gift! Take the philosopher Humes, who stated that men cannot rely upon empirical evidence to "prove" anything -- that everything is filtered through our senses, and therefore there is no source of perfect truth. Well, he is right on one part -- even science...everything in this life is filtered through our senses. Even science cannot be "proved" through some ultimate source of truth -- even science requires faith to believe it. But...knowing that there is indeed perfect truth out there, that it exists in our Creator, and we can grasp unto many of its principles -- having that perfect knowledge is such a blessing!

I'm grateful for Jeremy. I am so humbly grateful that he broke up with me. I did not understand it at the time, but the woman I have become is exactly what I had been asking the Lord for. I wanted to become a better woman. I wanted to become the kind of woman Jeremy needed and that I needed to be. I begged the Lord to help me, because I just wasn't "getting" it. Now I get it. I know I have to still apply what I have learned, but God truly did answer my prayers. This is not to say that I'm glad Jeremy and I are separated; do I love him? Yes, with all my heart and soul. Do I long for a second chance? Yes, with all my heart and soul. Do I believe what the Lord told me? Yes, with all my heart and soul. But I am utterly grateful for this time and for the lessons I have learned. I finally found the source of happiness that was missing from my life. I have finally found a source of inner strength and patience that was unbeknownst to me beforehand. I have finally realized what the Lord wants me to do. I finally have a burning desire to serve Him. I no longer have a need to be so self-absorbed.

These are just a few of the many things I have learned in the past week and a half (has it only been a week and a half??) but I am so grateful to the Lord for his wisdom. I am getting through this trial remarkably well, especially in comparison to my previous trials. I am not murmuring at all. I do not feel bitterness or resentment when I see others have what I so longed for. I am genuinely happy for them! I feel peace and am filled with patience and hope. I am truly becoming the woman I needed to become, I am becoming the woman I knew was inside of me.

I love the Lord. I love that he chastizes me and cares so much for me to take me to such great lengths to become the woman he knows I am.

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