Feb 29, 2004

I wish everyone at church would stop asking me how I was. I'm glad I didn't tell hardly anyone about what happened; for once in my life I just feel that it is better to not complain and feel sorry for myself and look for solace from others. Besides, I wouldn't know how to broach the subject without making sure that they, although well-intended, did not automatically feel bias towards my point of view. I've learned in the past that even when I present a conflict and voice my own wrongdoings and try to not paint myself as the victim, my friends still conceive in their minds that this is indeed the case, and then the man-bashing starts. Jeremy is a good man, and I will not allow my feelings of pain or loneliness voice themselves and in turn feed my own selfish ego which in turn creates internal anger, or to tarnish his reputation here among my friends and family, and even my ward. My family loves the guy and they recognized in him what I saw in him. So did my ward, especially my bishop and his wife. I was at their house that Monday when Jeremy called me, and my bishop's wife told me as I cried about my lack of faith, that her husband thought the world of me; and considered me to be one of the most faithful persons he had ever met. That surprised me, because I was sure I had to be the most faithless Latter-Day Saint in the world. My bishop also told me that he knew Jeremy was a good man. He did not advise me as he had done with Reid and even Jaime, whom he told me to forget about. (consequently, my stake president had told me the same thing). Jeremy was different. When Jeremy had said, during his testimony, that he had found his true love, the bishop, not even knowing the young man, felt those words and knew they were true.

A few days later I told the bishop that it was over and that I had accepted the fact. I'm glad he hasn't pressed me for details. This is the first time in my life that I haven't willingly offered them to anyone other than my own mother. And my mother is a wonderful woman who realizes that what happened had to happen. I'm glad she realizes that, although I know it pained her to see my heart literally break, but she really likes Jeremy and she also understands that we both need to grow. She doesn't give me any false hopes, but she's a constant reminder to stay strong and faithful and to ask the will of the Lord, and what He would have me to do. I'm grateful that she is grounded where I am a little flighty, and she helps me to keep that delicate balance that is so vital during these moments in my life.

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