I'm such a loser sometimes. Ok, I don't need to dwell on it, because that will make me all the much more loser-ish. I do not know what is wrong with me sometimes! I know I have a chemical imbalance and suffer from depression, but I have been taking Zoloft to deal with that. Maybe its effect has worn off...I'm not sure...or maybe the dosage isn't enough. It's not been so much being depressed that has been my problem lately, but rather the anxiety disorder rearing its ugly head. I finally came to peace with the prospect of Jeremy serving a mission, and I am so proud of him. I know I didn't make it easy for him, but I hope that he understood that beneath my tears, my desire for him to serve the Lord rang loud and clear. I am a murmurer, and this has recently come to my attention (about a month before meeting Jeremy). I know it's a trait of mine he dislikes, and to tell the truth, I dislike it too. But I have so many things I want and need to change about myself, and every day it seems I recognize even more changes that are necessary, and I'm beginning to feel swamped and under an extreme amount of pressure just to live up to my own expectations. However, one good solid strength of mine is, after the murmuring and the crying and the feeling sorry for myself...after all the selfishness, I pick myself up, take a deep breath, and then I say, "Ok! I can deal with this! The Lord is my strength! His will be done!" And finally...after doing this for awhile, I get that peace I had been searching for.
I know Jeremy was hoping that I would happily tell him how wonderful it was that he made this decision. When he first mentioned it...back in December, I encouraged him to do the Lord's will and I said I would support him. I know my actions have seemed contrary to my words, but they really aren't. I will support him...and I am supporting him. I just have to fight off my own demons before I can completely and totally be selfless and have the strength I need in order to do that. But despite the inner turmoil that engulfs me all to often, deeper down, beyond that turmoil, is the knowledge of the gospel, and my burning desire to live a celestial life. That burning desire is greater than all my selfish needs or desires, and it is that very thing that keeps me persevering, and determined to seek the will of the Lord and accept it as well as embrace it.
He has noticed this. He knows that I "freak out"...and it scares him (it scares me too!) before I get to that point of giving up the seflish addictions and/or desires and truly accepting the Lord's will and following in faith. But I still freak out. I pray to the Lord for strength to overcome this..because the last thing I want to do is be a burden to this wonderful young man. He needs me and has asked me to support him, and to not make things more difficult, and I'm not sure if he knows that the burning desire within me wants to grant him this with all my heart and soul. I would die for him...I would literally do anything for him. I love him that much. Yet sometimes I seem incapable of fulfilling the smallest requests...and it torments me to know that if I can't get a hold of this now, I could prove to be unbearable and he would have no other choice than to break it off, even if temporarily, until I get my head on straight.
His time in Cuba and on a mission are probably great blessings in disguise. I really thought I was ready for marriage. And for the most part, I am. I always thought, "well, I have this independence thing down pat. I won't be the clingy sort of girlfriend that drives guys away." Yet I have to face it: I am. It's also a blessing we don't live anywhere near each other. Why is it that suddenly I have a man to love and who loves me...and I can't seem to get through a day without talking to him? And if I don't, I start to panic...thinking something bad happened to him, or he decided he didn't love me anymore...why do I go through these panic attacks? It is quite difficult, because all the while I know logically that he is fine, or that of course he loves me. Yet I can't seem to get these worse-case scenarios out of my head...and I pick up that phone and dial or I write that email. Why do I do this? I know part of the answer: 1) Trust and faith in love. The truth is, with Jaime, I was always optimistic...and when I thought things couldn't get worse...they actually did. The worst-case scenario always played out...despite how optimistic and hopeful I was. I can't count how many times my heart literally dropped to the floor because worse than the worst actually would happen. I frustrated Jaime, too...because of the drama queen I am...and although that is not why we broke up (I became a drama queen only after I broke up with him)I know that his continued friendship with me must have been difficult for him, because he didn't understand why it was that I was so upset when he would introduce me to his new girlfriend or whatever. Then when Reid pulled that crap at New Year's last year...I was reliving that all over again, even though Reid and I hadn't actually dated exclusively. In hindsight I know it was a blessing in disguise, but at the time I felt like I was reliving those scenarios with Jaime all over again.
I'm not making excuses for my actions or my dramatics, but I can recognize how my anxiety disorder got to the worsened state it has. I didn't know I had it in high school, but I did. It didn't affect relationships because I wasn't in many, but every year I missed at least 20 days of school because of it. I didn't know what it was at the time, and I'm very lucky that I got the A's that I did because I was gone all the time. But that feeling that I was being judged by everyone..that people were always looking at me...it was difficult to deal with and it literally made me sick. I would start having bladder or yeast infections and to the doctor's surprise I usually had no relevant problems. Psychosomatic illnesses, I suppose. My aunt Maureen suffered the same. Yet at the time I knew logically the feelings I was experiencing were not real...I could not separate the logic from the emotion. The emotion always won.
These days, the logic wins more often, but I am often struck down by the emotions. I have to admit that since starting the Zoloft, I have not had one yeast infection or serious bladder infection. This has convinced me that it was truly psychosomatic. But when my nerves start getting frazzled and the fear starts filling my heart, my health suddenly goes awry. I know why.
I do not want this to affect dear, sweet, patient Jeremy. I do not want this to affect my children. I never, ever want to be that kind of mother that drives her children insane with the constant barrage of questions.."where were you? What where you doing? I was worried sick about you!!" Concern is good and important, but going ballistic or fearing my child has been in an accident because he simply forgot to call and check in will drive me, and my family, insane. I simply cannot allow this to happen, and for that very reason I need to find a way to control this better. I have improved 110% since beginning the medication, butI still have a long ways to go. I do not want Jeremy to fear that I will not be ok when he leaves for his mission. I do not want him thinking that I will go completely bonkers when he is out of town on business for a few weeks. I do not want him to worry.
I want to get well. I need to do this for me, and now that I have someone in my life...for him. I have got to find a way to not allow the adversary from taking advantage of my disease. I need to focus more on the logic...and find a way to quench those feelings of despair and anxiety. I need to remember that yes, this man DOES love me...and that there is no need to have constant reassurance daily from him. It really is a matter of faith...but even more so because I literally have to not only overcome the natural man (or woman) but also a chemical imbalance that makes it all the more difficult. But I know I can do it.
D&C 6:36: ?"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." This is my new motto. I will not allow this to control me...but I will control the disease. I will do some research into health. I believe what Jeremy has told me, and I know that if I can find a way to change my diet and also incorporate more exercise into my life...this will also help me tremendously. I need to give more serive...boy do I need to focus on this! I have the desire to serve others, but what am I doing about it? Not much. I really need to get out there and do something about it!
I hope Jeremy knows that I love him, and I am trying my hardest. I want to support him, and I want him to support me. I need him to be patient with me while I go through this learning process. I need him to, at least in the beginning, give me those daily assurances of his love. They don't need to be big...they don't need to be long emails or 4-hour conversations, but a simple "I love you" text message or email would suffice. I also need him to constantly let me know when he is having a tough time as well...which will remind me to be compassionate and empathetic and recognize that I am only adding to his burden and not lightening it. I want to lighten it...not add to it. This is not only my duty as his future wife and as the woman who loves him, but it is also one of my greatest desires. I know, however, that I will be victorious. I have been promised this literally by my Father in Heaven. I will become that selfless, patient, humble, meek, teachable, submissive, charitable woman that I want and need to be. Becoming such does not detract from the strong qualities I have...it only adds to them.
I love the Lord...and I love my (future) husband. I am grateful that he is so patient with me, yet tells me like it is. It hurts to be chastized...yes it does, but it makes me teachable and more desirous to become a better person. I pain at the thought of my sins and my weaknesses, but I rejoice in my strengths and in the strengths that I will someday have...those that I gained from overcoming my weaknesses. There is joy in trial and tribulation. If I can remember to count my blessings, and to remember those truths that have been manifested to me both by people who love me and also by a Father in Heaven who loves me....I know I can overcome anything .