Feb 13, 2004

This past week has been terribly difficult. I have learned a lot. Breaking up with Jeremy, however, and seeing his face last night...I suddenly realized exactly what I had learned from everything..especially the break up and going to see him. I want to tell him so badly but I told him I wouldn't contact him.

I have never had more desire than I do now to serve the Lord. I have read Enos Chapter 1 (there is only one chapter) and this is me! This is my answer!!!!!! I cannot serve a mission because of my debt, but suddenly I realized what I really want to do: I want to serve. I understand Jeremy's desire and passion to serve a mission now. I feel it too -- and I have already started by volunteering for the Center for Cultural Interchange as an area coordinator. I want to better magnify my callings at church, and serve my friends and others who are in need.

I wish I would have learned this earlier...this is where the joy of life will come. This is what will fill up that need that I demanded Jeremy to fill. That need doesn't come from him, how selfish of me to demand such from a young man who was only wanting to serve the Lord and do His will, and only asked me to be a constant friend and companion. I do wish I could go back. I understand now what I was doing to him...and now I know that I need to fill that need by service, by giving, and by being patient.

I am not ready to be a mother or wife. I have a lot of growing up to do. It will take me a few more years, if not more, to get my life in order and to put my priorities where they need to be. Right now, what I want to do more than anything is be a support to those who need it. I want to offer my love to all who will take it. I will keep loving and supporting and forgiving...even to those who don't know I am there offering to them only that which I can offer. I will learn to become the soft-spoken, slow to anger young woman I proved to myself I could be on Wednesday night. That is my future -- that is the woman I will be in a few years. Selfless, soft-spoken, patient, meek, and humble...plus industrious and intelligent to boot. I will support my family and loved ones and encourage them to do the Will of the Lord, and my selfish desires will no longer be quite as important. Only then will I be ready to serve the Lord as a mother and a wife, but until then, I have a lot of stuff I need to do.

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