Feb 20, 2004

Ugh, a snowed-in Friday night. I managed to take the car for a spin (literally) and cruised around Wal-mart, but found myself at the self check-out lane buying a filter for my aquarium and a box of Honey Bunches of Oats. Hmmm...yeah, I'm bored.

I'm frustrated too. I have had that too-anxious-to-eat feeling at the bottom of my stomach all day. Usually I get that when something significant is going to happen, or I'm really excited about something. It's grating on my nerves, especially since I've been trying to do the whole cool-as-a-cucumber karma act. I was doing pretty good too; to work on my patience I decided to take it one step at a time. I'm forcing myself to drive in the right-hand lane behind slower people, and even when I'm alone in the car, I make sure not to even think cuss words. I mean seriously, why am I in a hurry all the time? Why have I been so anxious to get to that undefined point on the timeline of my life? I have spent so many years living in the future, gazing longingly at that point, and now I find myself 28 years old, way too introspective for my own good, and wondering where the past 7 years of my life went. Ok, they were well-spent learning a foreign language while living abroad, in school, and beginning my career. But socially and emotionally...where have they gone??

Dang, here I sit, wishing with every beat of my heart that I knew three weeks ago what I know now. Hindsight is almost always pretty much useless, isn't it. I know I'm that much a better person than I was then, yet at what cost? Ok, I don't need to get so melodramatic, but I'm just so frustrated. I'm still grateful for what I have learned and I know I wouldn't have learned all of this any other way, but I feel incomplete. I don't know...I just don't know.

I really dislike snowed-in Friday nights. Grrr.

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