Feb 20, 2004

Well, I just got home from Chicago, and it's 2:30 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but I'm wide awake! I have a fluffy black kitty purring next to me, and as I bend to kiss her head I realize how blessed I am to have such wonderful, furry companions who love me for who I am. She sleeps with me every night and showers me with kisses (albeit smelly ones ;). What more can you ask for?? ;)

I am glad I went tonight. I was pretty much silent all the way down to Chicago, but I had forgotten what a quirky sense of humor Jess has, and she made me laugh. By the time we were in the city, my mood had rapidly shifted and I was in much higher spirits. The concert was awesome. Enrique played in the Arie Crown Theatre, which is considerably smaller than your usual concert venue. We had really close seats, and it was wonderful. He was very amiable with the crowd, sang and talked to us, and wow, what an absolutely gorgeous man! Not too many men can pull off tight leather jeans but he sure can:)

I felt pretty good too; I have lost like 10 pounds in the last week alone and to treat myself I went and bought a sexy fairly low-cut sweater yesterday. I have to admit that I looked pretty freakin' hot. For who...no one but myself, but you always feel a good when your clothes are loose and you know you look good. When you know you look good, you attract men more than usual. It's a nice feeling, even if shallow at best. It's not like I'm interested in attracting anyone anyway. When Enrique pulled that woman up to the stage and sang "Hero" to her, and then sensually kissed her at the end, I wasn't even jealous. I was thinking of someone else I'd rather be kissing at that moment. *sigh*.

Yesterday I went to see a psychologist, just because I want to get my meds evaluated and to make sure I am doing ok, since I had been more controlling and more anxious than usual over the past month. I told her about what I did last week, going down to North Carolina basically "uninvited", and I asked her if that was psychotic, because that's what Jeremy told me. She laughed. Impulsive, definitely. Spontaenous, yes siree. Psychotic, heck no. Even PFC Dodd, on the way down there, told me it wasn't psychotic. I wanted to save my relationship. I loved this man. It was romantic and spurr of the moment....not psychotic. Heck, if I had broken up with him, I'd have really been touched if he had done the same thing. I couldn't think of anything more romantic.

Ok...I will admit I was getting way too demanding and clingy...and now in hindsight I don't blame Jeremy one bit for feeling suffocated and and scared. I know I will never do any of THAT again. But I didn't go down there to make a scene or purposely embarass him. I am not that kind of person. I went down there because I knew stress and fear had overcome both of us and confused us. I went down there because I had to, knowing well what the outcome most likely would be. I think that was why I was very calm during the whole trip. And you know what, I don't regret it. I'd spend all that money and time again because Jeremy is worth it. I went down there simply for that reason -- I love him. I had to try. I don't give up. I do not believe in it. If I gave up or had let fear and confusion dictate any more of my actions than they already had, I knew I'd live to regret it. I had to swallow my fears and make a bold choice to take action. I refuse to live life in fear and regret, and I've found that living life the way I do might be uncertain and scary at times, but I always have the Lord there helping to guide me to make decisions. My faith is a better compass than any fear could ever be.

Well, I guess I should get to bed. I'm moving my office tomorrow, so at least I'll have something to occupy my time :) And then it's another lonely weekend. Oh well, I'm used to it. This time around, however, I'll use the time to do some of that volunteer work. Maybe check out some programs at BYU. I'm thinking of two degrees right now; MA in Education (yes, teaching...still unsure about it but my life seems to have been guided towards it since I was a child...LOL maybe my mother was right after all) or a MA or PhD in Family Counseling. I have the gifts to do both. I wouldn't be able to start until fall of 2005, but that gives me some time to take the GRE and to think and pray about it.

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