Feb 27, 2004

Well, I'm staying late here at work for no real reason, other than I just don't feel like going home. I'm not in a bad mood or anything, but I am just feeling jittery again. At least this time I know we won't be snowed in; the high tomorrow is 52 degrees. All of our snow has melted. But knowing Wisconsin weather, we'll have another snowstorm or two before Spring comes.

You know, I know I can move on from this relationship. I remember thinking that I would never be able to "move on" from Jaime, and indeed it took me awhile. Dating Reid, even for that short time, proved to me that I could enjoy the company of another man. Falling in love with Jeremy proved to me that I could fall in love with another man.

However, not only did I fall in love with another man, I was given a miracle. I was scared of it but when I finally heard the words, "let go of Jaime", I did it. Then a few weeks later I realized that as much as I had loved Jaime, it was Jeremy who I had loved all along. It was always him. Since that October day in 1995, it was only him. All the tears and the pain and the aching loneliness that I went through were for him. I was promised it would be worth it; and the Lord finally blessed me with the miracle I had so hoped for and had faith in.

So this is one reason I'm so indecisive about sending him his stuff. It is his, and I will return it to him, but right now I just can't do it. It means so much to me. He told me to let go and move on, and in all truth, with my life I AM moving on. At a far quicker speed than I had ever imagined possible. I'm experiencing growth and joy in serving others, and it's amazing. But as for my heart, as for my spirit -- it just doesn't feel right to let go of him. I know what the Lord told me. I know it. I cannot deny it. Jeremy can deny it all he wants, and that bothers me more than I let on, but I also realize that I cannot do one thing about it. It's ok though; I've been prepared for all of this. I would not be able to endure this if it hadn't been for what I've been through the last 8 years. But I can endure it, and I can endure it amazingly well. I have surprised myself. I know I would surprise Jeremy. He left me with this image in his mind that I was not the woman he thought I was; and he told me this. I didn't object -- how could I? My actions at the time had validated his reasoning. I knew that. But the truth is, I AM the woman he thought I was. He fell in love with the woman who bore her testimony and wrote her innermost feelings right here in this blog. I have nothing to hide from anyone, and the REAL me is indeed reflected more in this blog than in any conversation, argument, action, etc that I particpate in.

This is me. I have foibles, and many, many weaknesses. But I am a strong person. I am a daughter of God. I am persistent, resilient and tenacious. I don't normally talk myself up, but I know I'm a diamond in the rough. And when the time comes, when someone finally recognizes the beauty and preciousness that lies within me...when someone takes the time to lovingly polish me with his patience and help shape me to be the person both he and I know I can be; well...then he will know how I feel about Jeremy and how much I truly love him.

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