Feb 16, 2004

Writing is so cathartic. I write when I'm happy, and I write when I'm sad. It's the same with praying. The times when I forget to pray are when everything is so-so. I have to work on that.

Well, I'm doing what I can to move on. I am still in the repentance process for my part of everything, but I know this had to come to pass. This had to happen. I know the Lord would still bless me with another, but I also know that the Lord DOES approve of our union, although we were both told it would be extremely difficult, as it has proven to be. I just didn't believe that Jeremy would quit so easily. I truly believe in that young man, and this just wasn't him. I know I pushed him...and the more I pushed, the further away he went..and I regret that tremendously. It's almost unbearable recognizing what I have done. But I also have strengthened my faith through this process and have learned invaluable lessons, and I believe the words that Ezra Taft Benson said, "when you follow the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, nothing can go permanently wrong." I have faith in that statement. I know happiness is mine to have, and I know by serving the Lord and by doing what I can, I will find that.

However, I hurt so much. I cannot deny what the Lord told me, yet I recognize that free agency plays a gigantic role in this. Jeremy chose the opposite that I did. I cannot change that. I know Jeremy believes that my desire to be a wife and mother influenced what I believed the Lord told me, but this is not the case. And I told him so on my birthday. I am guilty of doing that when it came to telling him I didn't feel he was to serve a mission, but I knew with all my heart, because of the furtiveness of the answer, what the Lord told me concerning our eternal union. I was afraid of finding my eternal companion so quickly. I had spent the previous year coming to terms with my singleness and accepting, and even embracing it (and now I have to go through that process all over again). Jeremy was the one who told me he loved me way before I was ready to hear that. I didn't know that I loved him. I didn't know that I still wasn't in love with Jaime. It scared me a lot. But on that morning of my birthday, the Lord told me to let go of Jaime...that this was the one he was preparing for me. The Lord comforted me, and told me to trust this young man, and that it was alright to love him, because he would take me to the temple someday. This is the truth. However, I chose then and there, because the Lord encouraged me to, to love Jeremy. I didn't love him until I actually made the conscious choice to do so. And when I made that choice, and let go of my fears of betrayal and rejection, I really understood what my experiences with Jaime and everyone else was preparing me for. Now I understand more than ever. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jaime was not meant for me. I love him eternally, but he is not my husband. I never saw him as my husband, I just had faith that somehow it would be. However, I will always love Jeremy eternally too, but the love I have for him is celestial as well. For the past month I haven't felt what he calls pathos for him, but that is because I asked the Lord to help me to control those feelings. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. Jeremy was to be my husband. The love I decided to give him that 12th day of December became celestial. I made a covenant, even though not in the temple, that I would love him no matter what. I chose to make that covenant. I chose to make it celestial and eternal. I shared with him my life, my heart, and my soul...I shared with him things I knew I would only share with my husband.

But he has made his decision. And because of the deep, celestial love I have for him, I respect his free agency to make that decision. I will no longer be the controlling, manipulative woman that I was last month. I cannot make him choose me. I do not want to make him choose me. I want him to be happy. I want him to find love. I want him to enjoy the journey. I want him to be free. And as much as that pains me, I know I do love him more than I love myself, and I can do so.

I hope someday he finds peace in this knowledge. It pains me that he did not believe I loved him enough to not hurt him. It pains me that he thought I would send someone after him to hurt him, or that I would slander his name, or make a gigantic scene. Did he doubt my love that much? I told him I was not like his mother; my love was indeed celestial. I would never reject him. I would never intentionally hurt him! He fears that I will not move on, or that I will be bitter, or I will lose my faith in the Lord. When I am upset I say bitter, unfaithful, angry things, but the truth is, I am not angry. I do not hate him. I am not the least bit bitter. Those are lessons I learned from Reid...and I will never be bitter again. I am pained because I see something celestial dying, because I pushed too far and he is yet unwilling to overcome this trial. I really developed a burning desire to support him and wait for him while he served the Lord. I even want to serve the Lord myself. There is nothing I wanted more.

But, I am moving on. Instead of burying myself in my depression, I am forcing myself to live. I am going to work, and I am doing what I can to be unselfish and to serve. I spoke with my VT companion, and we may already meet with one of our girls this week. I am excited about serving as an area coordinator for a foreign exchange organization. I will eventually get out and date if the chance arises, but it may not be for several months. I am not ready to date, to be married, or to have children. My heart may literally ache, but I will not give up trusting and loving. I cannot do so, for that would be unChrist-like.

I am doing what I can to become the woman I need to be. It is so difficult waking up every morning, and doing what I can to control the tears and the pain. But I have to do this if I want to center my life on the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I wish now I could serve a mission. I never had a desire to. Yet now I actually have a desire. If I had a wish to make, if I could make my greatest dream become a reality, it would be what a couple I know lived -- what Tom and Joy did. They dated, and knew they were to be married. Tom then realized he needed to serve a misison. Tom left, and then Joy decided to use her time waiting to serve one as well.

That would be my dream come true. My dream has changed from what it was even a week ago. I realize the impossiblities and improbablities of it, but that is what I most want right now. To serve the Lord, to wait for my husband, and to then be married eternally. It would take a miracle, but this is my greatest desire.

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