Mar 11, 2004

I am hurting so much right now. I hate admitting this because of how far I have come, but I can't be strong all the time. I just hurt so much.

There is no greater pain than knowing you can't do anything to help someone. It is the worst pain in the world -- worse than rejection. Loving someone so much yet knowing you can't reach them, knowing that despite what you know, there is no way to convince them that it is the truth. I seriously don't know how the missionaries do it when their investigators fail to heed to the enticings of the Spirit. Well obviously they don't do anything...but it must sadden them so very much to walk out of those homes knowing that someone willingly turned down the truth.

It's even harder when it's someone you love. I've had my fill of this kind of pain in my life; it's all too common. Yet another reason I was so scared to be a missionary. Yet I know that I can't let fear dictate my decisions. I know that the Lord has asked me to be steadfast, perseverent, persistent, and courageous, even when the outcomes of my actions aren't what I expect; even when the hurt me more than seems bearable. This is one of the hardest things the Lord has required me to do, yet I know the love I have in my heart is strong enough to handle it. I have been blessed with a compassionate and understanding heart, and I have been told this numerous times. Because of this blessing I hurt all the more than an average person does, but...that is the price I pay for the gift and the mission the Lord has given me, and I would not trade it for any other gift.

But I hurt. I hurt so very much. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to forget the pain. I can bury it well some days, but others it is as raw as it was the very first time.

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