I guess we’re in the middle of a role reversal, that is, Jeremy and I. When our relationship started, I was the one who was uncertain and afraid and although I trusted Jeremy with my love, and knew he loved me, I didn’t know that I loved him.
Now it’s the opposite. I know that I love him. I know that he was prepared for me, and I for him. The irony of it all is, I remember him telling me that if I ended up marrying someone else, he would wait for me as long as it took, until I was finally his. Well, I feel the same way now even though he doesn’t. I still strongly believe he is wrong about us. Actually… I know he is wrong. I haven’t wanted to say that out loud, because I know what he told me so vehemently three weeks ago. I also know that if he continues to believe what he told me, well…the Lord will prepare another for me. Yet despite this knowledge, my heart aches because I know that it’s Jeremy. How can I deny that? I wish I could, because it would make my life a lot easier. There is no way I want to go through again what I just got done going through, even though I'm more than willing to do so. Actually, in a way I guess it never ended, because I realized that everything I went through and all my love and devotion to Jaime was just placed in the wrong person. It may have been directed towards Jaime, but it was meant for Jeremy.
I loved Jaime. He was my first love. For a long time I believed he was my true love, and my soulmate. But now I know (there’s that word again) that he wasn’t. How do I know? Because the love I have in my heart for Jeremy far surpasses anything I’ve felt before. It is eternal and celestial and it is God-given. We had the seal of approval from our father in Heaven. It was a rocky start, and it’s been even worse since we broke up. Yet I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are supposed to go through this.
Whenever we prepare to do something righteous, like serve a mission or marry in the temple, the Adversary suddenly goes on red alert and decides to do whatever he can to destroy us; or at least make us unworthy of our goal. Just as I feel the hatred and intolerance that exists even today against our church is a testimony of and in itself of the truthfulness of the gospel, I believe that the pain and the trials and the uncertainty and the mistakes both Jeremy and I have made are testimony that Satan really doesn’t want us to be together, and Satan does not want Jeremy to serve a mission. In fact, I know this. Satan used my selfishness to work on Jeremy’s decision to serve, and Satan used him and his uncertainty to hurt me. Yet, I see how much I have grown since knowing Jeremy, and especially since our break-up. Satan is indeed not winning with me. I am positive he is not winning with Jeremy, either.
So where does this lead me? I do not know. I know what my Father has told me. I know what I have faith in and pray for. Yet I know I cannot manipulate or convince Jeremy to believe me; I know he has to find out for himself and even then make his own decision. I know how much I love him, and how much I need him, and how much I need to serve him, especially while he's on a mission. I'd like to know how the couple who baptized him did it. Anyway, for fear of sounding obsessed, I just want to mention that I am not. I see both roads here and I know that whatever happens, I am promised happiness and the blessings I long for in the future. This is why it is so pertinent right now that I listen to what the Lord tells me and literally walk by faith that he will lead me in the right direction. I do have faith that the Lord can help me; I do have faith in Jeremy. I do feel a calming peace in understanding the importance of what I am learning, in being patient and grateful for these experiences, in being submissive to the Lord's will, and most importantly, in trusting in Him.