Mar 20, 2004

I just finished watching "Under the Tuscan Sun", and I think I have never seen a movie that so closely correlated my emotions and my life as this one. I cannot believe how much I can empathize with Frances, the main character (played by Diane Lane). The movie reminds me a lot of both my life now as it currently stands and as it was when I was living in Spain; how I had spontaneously decided to live there, find a job, a place to stay, and just discover myself. Her painful relationships and experiences with men and the distress and despair it causes her is mirrored in my own life; yet, both Frances and I have also decided that it was unfruitful to live in a state of depression and not embrace the "childish innocence" that is within us, that which helps us to find joy and gratitude in the little pleasures of life and to recognize beauty around us.

I am very sad today, but I know this, too, shall pass. Someday I will look back upon this time and reflect with bittersweet gratitude for the lessons that I am learning and will learn throughout this trial. As Frances was so wisely told by her friend, regret should never be a part of a happy life, and I will not allow it to take ahold of mine, either.

Yesterday April and Doug came over. They asked me if I would go down to Nauvoo and be there for their sealing on April 10th, which they moved up from August. They were engaged the same week Jeremy and I became "unofficially" engaged after receiving answers to our own prayers. I said I would be there, but I had to keep the tears from spilling from my eyes. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. The Nauvoo temple is so beautiful and so special to me, and it was the temple Jeremy and I were going to be married in. I keep could have been my wedding day. Alright, so I knew even back then that April was too early, but even so...can I go into that sealing room, and although I'm so truly happy for both April and Doug, can I sit there and not think about Jeremy, and how I wish I was staring across the altar into his eyes, the very same way I did in my dream? Can I handle that?

I do not know, but I have to try.

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