Mar 28, 2004

I'm baking cookies right now; yes my infamous chocolate chip cookies with the secret ingredient. As I was preparing the dough, I just sat there thinking back to when my family all lived together at the house in Bowler. We had an exchange student, and as I would churn out batch after batch of these cookies they would disappear immediately. It couldn't be helped; we had four teenage boys living in the house, plus their friends were always over, and Laurie and her friends too. The place was always packed with people.

At night we'd start a fire in the firepit, and just talk and laugh. Our house was the premiere meeting spot in all of Bowler, LOL. I was always just home from college or something, and since I had gone to high school in a different city, I didn't know anyone, but I enjoyed the atmosphere and the fact that there was always something going on:) Even for holidays we'd invite people over. Sometimes the strangest people would be dining with us and sharing our family experiences. Sometimes they were close family friends. But whatever the case, it just made it so joyful.

Now we are all older and we all have our own lives. Both of my cousins are married, and my brother will probably be soon. So as I sat here, mixing the cookie dough, I thought of how I wish I was baking cookies for someone other than myself and my sister. I love to bake, and I love to cook, and when Jeremy was visiting I had so much fun being able to do that for him (although he never had the chance to try these famous cookies of mine). I wish I would have had more time to do so. More time to get to know him and vice versa.

Well, I guess I should stop wishing for things that didn't happen. Don't get me wrong; I'm as realistic as the next person. I don't live in fairytales -- I've had too much life experience and am a bit too cynical for that. But...I can't help it sometimes, because I am faithful. I never doubt what I am told by my Father in Heaven.

But, I have let him go. I love him, and that was all I could do. Anything else would have been selfish. I will not stand in his way of fulfilling his own mission as told to him by the Lord. I may have been very selfish at the beginning of the year, but I have grown. It does still cause my heart to ache just to think of how I had acted so selfishly. But now, well, letting him go to serve the Lord has brought me peace. I know I did the right thing, and I find comfort in that knowledge. It hasn't lessened my love for him; I wish it would sometimes, but, well...this is who I am. I am doing my best to keep moving on with my life. I'm going out with friends even when I don't feel like socializing. I'm on the same two online services I was before, and I make myself respond to flirts and what-not despite how much I do not have the heart to do so. There isn't much else I can do. I love Jeremy, and as I told him, I will love him eternally, and the only way I could show him that was by letting him free, to not worry about me, to know I have forgiven him, and to know that I am also doing my best to fulfill the Lord's mission for myself. I want to serve just as much as Jeremy does; this desire I didn't have before. I have truly humbled myself and as I try to decide about my future, I tell the Lord I will truly do anything he requires of me. I was always too afraid to say that in the past, for fear that he would send me on a mission. I had prayed about it once when I was 23 (and in Spain) but had been told to continue my education. I was relieved for the most part.

But now, I would do anything. I would give up everything I have to serve the Lord, even my beloved cats, who I love so much. I know they need me, but I also know that my sister would take good care of them and love them as much as I do if the Lord called me to do something that required me to leave them. The Lord has required a lot of sacrifice of the heart from me over the last third of my life, but I am honored that he believes in me so. I no longer have the angry, bitter feelings nor am I prone to mumur as I was previously. Time is my friend now. I do not need to rush anything. True joy will come from patience and enduring to the end. To being submissive and humble, loving and charitable. To even being soft-spoken, something I am not known for. But...I could become that woman. I have changed in ways I never thought would ever be possible in such a short time already...who knows what other changes the Lord has in store for me? I am just grateful that I finally have the desire to heed to all of his commandments, both personal and universal, and not just to some of them.

I've messed up in my life several times. Many have been sins of omission, many have been transgressions where I didn't realize I was indeed doing things wrong. I have allowed Satan to tempt me, and to convince me that feelings I had were from the Spirit when they were in fact from him (case in point, when I kept getting the "feeling" that Jeremy wasn't supposed to serve a mission. I didn't feel peace from that feeling...I should have known better). But, the Adversary is having a hard time convincing me of anything now. I am even more confident, and rather than feel sorry for myself because of my physical limitations or imperfections, I now thank the Lord for my body and my mind. In nudging Satan out and with him all those feelings of insecurity and self-consciousness, I desire more than ever to take care of myself, to follow the word of wisdom, and to change my lifestyle not only for me, but so that my children will have a great example and be taught accordingly.

Well, I guess I'm done writing for today. I could go on, but this is enough for now. My mind is whirling about and I'm thinking about everything at once, it seems...but the peace is there. My Heavenly Father loves me, and he is proud of me. There is no greater knowledge than that. There really isn't.

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