Mar 12, 2004

So my sister left tonight. She won't return until next Tuesday. I hate to admit it; but I'll miss her. She's gone, my roommate is gone for the month (except stopping in here and there), it's way too quiet, and I've been alone for only 3 hours!

There isn't much to say, I guess. I saw a beautiful, gorgeous, purple and pink sunset today walking to my car from work. Again a wonderful reminder of the beauty of this earth. I also, during my lunch, scrolled through a gospel lesson that I downloaded onto my Axim and read that while eating. It was on womanhood in the gospel, particularily on the gift of the Holy Ghost.

I must admit that I have taken this gift for granted for much of my life since I've had it (since I was 8). Yet I have felt the spirit so overwhelmingly lately and I am so grateful for him. I mean imagine, having the constant presence of a member of the Godhead, and we all can have this exquisite gift! What a wonderful source of solace, of strength, and wisdom! The Holy Spirit can lead us to a higher plane of spiritual and physical understanding. I seriously do not know how I would have gotten through the past month (and consequently, the past 8 years...basically my whole adult life) without this gift. But I have especially noticed the Holy Ghost's presence this past month. Whenever tears threaten to spill, and the Adversary whispers to me, "why do you have faith in something that seems impossible? Why do you even believe in faith? Does logic support it?" the Spirit has come to comfort me and whisper truth to my heart. I have never felt this close to the Spirit since the summer of 1994 when I was living in SLC. I am so grateful that I have this constant companion..and he reminds me that I am a spiritual being having a human experience, not vice versa. So if I think with an eternal perspective and not such a human one, and I can focus more clearly on the goals and objectives and find strength and peace that I didn't know existed before.

I have had to constantly be on guard, though. Because of this strong presence of the Spirit, Satan has tried to overcome me in the ways he has won with me before; he is trying to get me to be angry, bitter, resentful, afraid, unfaithful, and doubtful. I am constantly fighting the temptation to sink into despair or ingratitude. Sometimes it's easier to feel sorry for one's self than it is to continue living life to the fullest extent possible. It's hard to be happy when you believe you have no reason to be happy. Ok, so I haven't progressed that much...I'm not what you'd call happy, but I have peace, and that is the biggest change in my life. I have never had this peace before. Never. It is a completely new concept for me. I've heard about it, but it is a new way the Spirit has touched me, and I am grateful for it.

I have this beautiful little dream inside my head; one that I can't forget about despite how much I tell myself that it's illogical and improbable. Yet, I cling to hope because without hope, there is not faith, and without faith, there is no knowledge and without knowledge, there is only destruction and despair. The worst case scenarios have always played out in my life, too often unfortunately, and you'd think someone like me who has lived out those scenarios one time too many would be a pessimist and a cynic. Ok, so I was a cynic...but I have always been a 'closet' optimist. I couldn't help it; I always had hope for something better. I always knew that someday that 'better' would come along. When I sit here and think back to the most horrible and heart-wrenching moments in my life, I ask myself - why was I never suicidal? What was it that made me keep going? What pushed me to move forward and be strong? I will tell you what it was; it was hope. When things got so bad that I couldn't even have faith, I clung to my hope that everything would be alright. Eventually that hope turned into faith...and soon afterwards a knowledge came, testifying to me that indeed things would be alright. Hope is a mighty powerful tool that we all have access to, and it can get us through the toughest of times. Hope can bring a miracle into our lives as it lends itself to faith.

Well, I should be getting to bed, it's after midnight, but I am not tired. I am pensive and introspective (haha - when am I not?). I want to feel light-hearted and spontaneous, though. I want to regain the sense of humor that I seemed to have lost. I've never been funny - ha ha, but I've always been one with a dry sense of humor and a fondness for stupid jokes.

A few websites that I frequent and that make me laugh: . This one can be crude sometimes, but come on, you gotta love the lemmings. A classic. I'm not that big of a fan of Homestar runner himself, but I love Strong Bad. That's my kind of humor - check out "Strong Bad's email" :)

And of course, SNL's Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. Too bad Tracy Morgan left the show, because he was hilarious as Brian Fellows and Astronaut Jones. "What? A talking bird? That's craaaaazy! I'm Brian Fellows!"


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