Today a young man who returned from a mission in Thailand spoke. As he spoke about how he had struggled with the decision to even serve a mission, and the wonderful experiences he had while serving, and the great joy he was able to express because of the good works he had done, well, my heart filled with, I don't know how to describe it, but the spirit was very strong. You know, since I had the experience I did with that young Marine, my desire to serve has been very strong as well. As I sat there and listened, I again realized, as I had right before Jeremy broke up with me, why Jeremy had such a desire to serve. I know he knew I worked through it, but I also know he had feared I despised him because he had chosen the Lord over me. He was partially right -- at first. I could not comprehend for the life of me why he would do such a thing. My selfishness had overcome me.
But now, well, the desire that burns within my heart is very strong. There is no way I would ever deny any young man the opportunity to serve the Lord in such a selfless way, and to gain the growth and joy that comes with it. I only wish that desire that I have would have been so prevalent during the time I was with Jeremy. I know this was one of the main reasons he broke up with me. I wasn't supporting him, and I despised him for serving. I was selfish, and my physical and emotional desires overcame my wisdom, and they drowned out what the Lord had been telling me.
Oh how I wish I could do things over! I could be so happy right now instead of so sad...I could be growing and maturing instead of having to move on. The Lord had been telling me that he had wanted me to wait for Jeremy. My trip to North Carolina was one big learning experience. I really developed the desire to serve myself, and the way the Lord had asked me to serve was to support Jeremy while he was on a mission. That was the first step in my personal mission, but I was too selfish to realize it in time. The Lord had big plans for me, and the immense growth I would have experienced by waiting would have made me so much a better wife and mother!
My will has finally matched the will of my Father in Heaven, but now it is too late. As I sat there today, the desire filled my heart and the tears streamed down my face because I realized I can no longer serve the Lord, and Jeremy, in the way that had been planned for me.
I did not know any of this until after the fact. There is nothing I want more than for Jeremy to be happy, and to serve the Lord. As I can feel what he has been through in the past, I now feel the enormous joy that will come from him serving. My heart aches because I realize I could have been there too...I could have been supporting him from home, and serving in that capacity.