Mar 18, 2004

Well, I put myself back online at They hadn't completely deleted my profile yet so they recovered it. I had to change the first two lines *ironic grimace* but it's there.

I don't feel like being there, it just feels wrong. But what else can I do at this point? I don't know...but making new friends is never a bad thing. Anything more than that, time perhaps.

I've met four men from there, and I've liked them all. They are all very different. Two of them are still my friends to this day. Great guys...wonderful friends. The other was a big jerk and the other one, well he wasn't a big jerk. He's the furthest from a jerk you could get even though he really tried to be one and did some jerky things and said some really jerky things, but I could see right through him. Nope, at heart he is the opposite of a jerk. *sigh*.

We are now not going anywhere in April. I guess it's better that way, because I had spent most of my money on my little excursion last month. We might, though, drive down to Orlando. I have never been to Disneyworld, and I would like to go. Sometimes you can get great deals, so I'll look into it.

So I have like three days to spend doing whatever I want now that I won't be gone a whole week. I have liittle money, but more time. However, these days I haven't been wanting any more time to myself because I think too much. I've been working later and then sleeping late. Not a habit I want to get in to but for now it helps me pass the time.

Everyone I know is going through such a tough time these days. My cousin Tania's mother...with whom she hasn't been close to because of personal things, well, she just had a heart attack and now Tania and her sisters have to go to Washington and decide whether to keep her on life support or not. You know, that decision is tough enough when you love someone. But when it is someone who has treated you so horribly your whole life...yet you still love them...then how do you decide?

Alyssa is getting some cysts removed tomorrow. Jason reinlisted with the Army. Ok he might think that's good news, but with all the crap going on these days, I'd rather he just get out. My brother is going through a really tough time. Gilly called me toda to tell me her aunt is dying and she and her family are flying to Edenboro, (or however you spell it) Scotland to spend her last few days with her. She has had a lot of these family tragedies in her life lately.

Cristina is stil trying to find a job. Who knows if she will be able to move in or not. The month is halfway over...Cindy is leaving April what are we going to do? Laurie hasn't decided yet on moving to Milwaukee or not.

You know, we all know that life isn't fair. We all know we face trials and challenges and those who do their best and don't fall into despair, but remain strong are those who learn and grow. Yet this year has just been filled with stuff for everyone I know and love. Why? Then we have all these wars, and terrorism, and political garbage filling up our news...heck I don't even bother turning on the television anymore, or even listening to the radio. They used to be nice distractions, but these days...even the entertainment is iffy at best.

So, well, what do I do? I spend a lot of my free time studying gospel doctrine and the scriptures. This is something I never devoted enough time to, ever, but these past few months have changed me. I started when I met Jeremy because I was so utterly grateful and joyous. I continued after we broke up because I needed the peace and the solace.

The scriptures have spoken volumes to me. So have reading and listening to talks on Praying and fasting have helped me immeasurably. I am grateful for these gifts that I seem to have taken for granted for pretty much my whole life up until this point. I really am learning a lot about the very things I thought I already had a perfect knowledge of.

Well, I don't feel like getting into my emotions today. They haven't changed, really. I've been feeling more and more different than everyone around me. I spoke with my boss on Tuesday during my performance review, and somehow we got onto the fact that everyone who reviewed me loves everything I do and loves me, but they think I could come out of my shell and that I have a lot of leadership qualities I could offer. Well that's true...I was told once in SLC by a man I respected highly that I would never be one of those persons who was "in the woodwork". I have never aspired to be anyone great, and while I have no problems speaking in public; I do not get uneasy or anything..when it comes to actually meeting people, well...that's when I get queasy. However, I do know the capabilities and the talents I posess, and obviously my manager's at work do too. But anyway, back to my point, I told Julian that eventually I'd come out of my shell and shine, but I felt odd in Madison in general. I am so much younger than everyone else who I work with, and I am so vastly different politically and socially. Plus, this new understanding that is coming to me little by little about my mission (even though that is now up in the air and I'm not altogether sure if it is possible to accomplish anymore) makes me feel even more different and alone.

My mother told me that when she was carrying me she knew she was carrying someone special. She knew that I had a very important mission on this earth. She wasn't LDS then, but she gave me a special mother's blessing and she said so far, everything she asked for on my behalf has come true. She loves me so much, and has always encouraged me to reach my full potential. But she reminded me of this earlier this week. There is something only I can do, and I must go an do it.

I realize now more and more that it's going to be difficult. I've mentioned this before. But I think more and more about my son. I see him...I think I even know his name. I think he is very important to the church, and perhaps to more people than just the church. I am not sure, but that is who I see....and what I feel.

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