Apr 24, 2004

I have learned so many valuable lessons over the past four months. Jeremy has influenced me immeasurably and has completely changed my life, both by his love and then later his breaking up with me. He and the consequences of those actions have changed my life completely.

Yes, I have learned so much. But one big lesson sticks out to me. Heavenly Father saw it fit that I learn that I can truly handle anything, and handle it not just begrudgingly, but with peace, with grace, and even with joy. I will admit this, and I hope it does not sound arrogant because I say it in all humility and gratitude towards my Father in Heaven, but this transformation is amazing to me. How could I change so quickly? How is it that my usual feelings of anger, mistrust, self-interest, rebellion and denial have not once entered into my heart since all of this has happened? How is it that I am finding joy in my tribulation? This is not who Michelle Glenetski is...or should I say was. I am realizing now that I was not living; I was just passing through life, waiting for it to happen to me. Don't get me wrong; I was always a go-getter and a goal-setter, and very perseverent and industrious, but I still acted as if life owed me something.

But now it is different. I feel as if I owe life something; I owe my God something. I now know I can and will pass through the adversity in my life with grace, even if not with ease; and I know that I do not want people to tread lightly around me, to protect me, or to feel that their problems may be too much for me to handle. James told me something interesting. He said I was very emotional because I was "psychically sensitive"; in other words, empathetic. Empathy is like telepathy, but instead of hearing words or thoughts from other people, I literally feel their emotions.

And this is so entirely true. I've been that way my whole life. But now I want to embrace this gift as my blessings have told me to do. I do not need to be coddled; I do not need the attention I so craved even a few short months ago. I do not need to be "spoon-fed" love and devotion. I just simply need to be allowed to love. Few people in my life realize that protecting me from their lives and their problems is denying me my very mission. I love to help, and I love to be involved in any way that I can and I am welcomed. Yes, I am emotional, but it's not always a curse. I crave being able to help people, to understand them, to empathize with them, and to be there for them when they are going through their own trials and adversity.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like seeing my friends and family suffer, but if I can be at all helpful, becaues of my gift of empathy and love...then I hope that the people in my life will allow me to do so. I can handle it, I was born to do so. I knew this 14 years ago, and I know it even more today. I know it may be hard to understand; most people feel drained and helpless themselves when they find themselves entangled in the lives of others, especially when it is during times of pain, heartache, and adversity, and it may be hard to understand why I actually want to be there during those very same times. But as much as I do literally feel the pain too, I also feel a sense of purpose; I know that I am doing what the Lord would have me to do, to help whomever I can if at all possible.

If anything, this has been driven into my mind and my heart during this whole ordeal. More than ever I want to reach outside myself and help others. More than ever do I want to not try to hide my heart, but rather share it with others. I literally look forward to serving my loved ones and others in the best way Michelle Glenetski knows how; and that is through understanding and compassion, and yes, empathy.

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