Nightline tonight named off all the soldiers that have been killed, both in combat and outside of combat, in the war in Iraq. As I sat there and watched the faces flashing by, and the names read, my heart swelled with love and gratitude for these young men and women.
I truly do honor and marvel at the servicemen and women in our nation's military. I know I do not know what it is like to be one; I know I cannot fathom the life they lead, especially when overseas, on hostile soil, but I can fathom the pride and love that I have for them. My gratitude for our servicepeople and those who have stood with our country since its inception; freedom was built and is upheld upon the shoulders of these very people. I stand in awe and amazement of each one of them.
I am so proud of my cousins in the Army. I am so proud of Jeremy. Not only because he has served almost 4 years in the USMC, and he served in Iraq, but also because of the decisions he has made. I know it must be hard for him to make the sacrifices that he has, but to get most of his studies done, and then focusing on preparing for a mission; well, how more dedicated can one be?
I would like to call him my friend. I consider him a friend, in fact one of my best friends, and he told me he considered me one of his. Yet I do not know if he meant it. I miss him a lot; I miss speaking with him, laughing at his cheezy jokes, sharing spiritual thoughts with him -- learning from him. He has taught me so much. What a blessing he has been in my life. I just hope that his friendship may continue to be a blessing in my life, and mine in his.
I do miss him. I wonder, though, if he misses my friendship, too. The thought of losing his friendship hurts me more than anything.
But what can I do? I can't make him trust me. I can't convince him of anything. I can't lie or pretend ot be someone I'm not. I would just hope that me, being me would be what truly mattered; that he meant what he said in his last letter to me.
I don't know. Sometimes I feel so utterly worthless and unlovable, and even though I know that is not true, it's moments like this that make me feel that way. I spend my life trying to be the best person I can be, but it never seems to be good enough.
I have forgiven Jeremy for the hurt and pain he has caused me, but I wonder if he has forgiven me.