Apr 2, 2004

You know, I am really tired of people trying to "save" me from my problems, or from my trials. I appreciated it before, but after re-reading my patriarchal blessing, which confirmed the thoughts that have entered my mind over the past few days, I realized that the greatest blessings afforded to me in this life are exactly that; my problems and my trials.

I am a blessed woman. The Lord has chosen to bless me with strengthening trials. Yes, they have been difficult, but I know I haven't seen anything yet. Does this knowledge scare me? A little, but my faith in my Redeemer and in the promises of my Father in Heaven assure me that I have exactly what I need to overcome anything. I know my mother worries about me when I tell her so matter-of-factly that I know my life will not be easy. Yet a peace comes over me as I recognize the great blessing in this knowledge. For one thing, knowing that I will face adversity and great struggles in my life will help me recognize them when they happen, and rejoice in the knowledge that my Father has faith in me to succeed and overcome them, rather than to murmur and feel sorry for myself, as I have done every single time before this last great test.

I love my Father in Heaven. Is it arrogant to say that I know that he has faith in me? Is it arrogant to say that I know I am unique; and that He will bless me with these opportunities for immense growth, opportunities that the majority of his other children might not be able to handle? I don't think so. It doesn't make me think I am better or stronger than anyone else. I just recognize that my particular trials are going to be extremely difficult. I also recognize my humanity; and I know that without the Redeeming sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ, I would never see Heaven. I am a sinner; just as much as the next person, and it humbles me and reminds me of my nothingness in this respect. I owe everything I am and everything I have to my Father in Heaven and to my Savior, but I do not believe it is arrogant to say confidently that I KNOW WHO I AM.

Jeremy and everyone else who have tried to protect me and save me from challenges and strife that would lay ahead of me -- well, I am grateful they care so much about me, and I don't blame them for believing I couldn't handle what would be coming. In my previous state my words and actions practically proved that I couldn't. BUT...I do not need to be protected. I will be a protector for my family and my children. I do not want an easy life. I do not want just a "nice" husband who fulfills his callings, has a strong testimony and a good job, but is and does little else than that. My husband will be challenged as much as I will be, and will have gone through even more than I already have. He will not expect rest in this life, either. He will know WHO HE IS, and rejoice, too, in the challenges the Lord places before him. You know, it is odd that I am saying this, but it reminds me of the apprehension I felt as a teenager; I knew then that I didn't want an easy, "fluffy" life. It is true; I want to learn patience and all the other virtues that will be mine to have if I only endure and follow my Savior, come what may. I do not want to be denied the blessings that will come from the terrible strife that will enter my life. The Lord has asked me to endure through it, and there is nothing I want more than to prove myself worthy of Him.

Call me arrogant if you want, but I know that I am not, at least in this respect. I have faith in myself; and that comes from the faith I have in both my Father in Heaven and in my Savior, and the faith they have in me. I have a mission to accomplish, and without the necessary growing experiences that come from such trials of the heart, of the spirit, and even of the body, I would never become the person I need to be to accomplish my mission and to raise my children the way they need to be raised. I am gaining insight and knowledge into the difficulties that lie ahead for myself and for my family, but all I can say is, I trust in the Lord. So, Bring it on!:)

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