May 14, 2004

Get this, I rejoined ldsmingle yesterday afternoon, so it's been like 36 hours, and 438 people have viewed my profile! Jeez, was never like that. And I have gotten like three times as many smiles and emails as I did yesterday. Man, I am brutally honest in my profile and the men seem to like it.

Of course I take it all with a grain of salt. Even have the imperfect body that I do (although it's getting better), I am tired of having to keep my windows rolled up while driving around town, or rolling my eyes at yet another online comment about my outward appearance. Sure, it makes a girl feel good, but there is more to me than that. But luckily, some of these men who showed interest didn't mention that at all. Some wrote amazingly intelligent emails. Heck, I even got an email from someone I met in person briefly a few months back ;)

I guess it is just a reminder to myself that I am desirable. I know I'm freakin worth it (I was that arrogant, too, in my profile), and it has very little to do with my physical appearance. Any guy would be so lucky . I'm tired of dealing with the low self-esteem, and letting men and their immature behaviors and fears dictate how I feel about myself. No more.

The only thing I do worry about though is what would happen if/when I lose weight. This little bit of extra weight is my shield, so-to-speak, and it has kept me humble. I'm sorry, but when I was on that phen-fen diet way back in 96 and lost all that weight, I was so freaking surprised by the body that was underneath all that time, that I went a little nuts with the short shorts, midrift-bearing shirts, and all that. It got me into a little trouble when living in Spain. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be so conceited. It's not that I prefer to have a low self-esteem, but in the past year I finally became happy with myself, and decided to get healthy, not to "get gorgeous". Now that I can actually see that goal and the pleasant consequences that come with it in the future (not as some distant far off goal), I get a bit worried again. But then again, I'm getting old...I see the wrinkles forming ;) I'm no brazen 22 year old ready to conquer the world and everyone in it. I'm a different person now, with a different perspective on life.

But anyway. I have to watch myself and keep myself grounded. And I am not ready to let my heart go quite yet. But it is nice to make friends and to know that I am valued, appreciated, and wanted.

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