May 14, 2004

He doesn't get it. He's a nice enough guy, an intelligent enough guy, but he doesn't get it. (and no, I'm not slandering me, if I even wanted to slander anyone I know how to do it). I won't change my blogs. I am sorry, but this is a reflection of my life, and how others have affected my life. I rarely, if ever, mention last names. I could really be speaking about anyone.

I don't mind if anyone else out there creates a website devoted to hating Michelle Glenetski, and uses my name interchangably with cuss words in every other sentence. As far as I know, I do not have enemies (just people who are intimidated by me) but even if I did, that is their right. I know what is true and what isn't. I know that I can rest in peace, knowing very well what I had done that was wrong and what I had done that was right.

But no, this righteous indignation isn't about breaking up with me. It's about how he has handled it since then. I have agreed with him that we needed to break up. I do agree with that. What I don't agree with is his stubborness and desire to completely erase me out of his life. I understand his reasoning and I am trying to respect it. Well, it shouldn't be too hard from now on because he has really made me dislike him. I love him, but God knows I sure don't want to.

My "list" of worthy choices given to me by God isn't of my own creation. If he can remember clearly enough back to when we 'virtually" met, he will remember that he was not a choice of mine. In fact, I liked him well enough as a person..he really is a funny, sweet, charming guy...but I wasn't attracted to him (even though he was cute). My heart was in another place; a place of fear and mistrust, and still clinging to the past. I didn't willingly choose him. I sat down, and I said a little prayer. I asked Heavenly Father what He thought. I asked Him to help me find the attraction and love for this man if God willed it. I knew from a story that my bishop shared with me about his own daughter that this happens. Attraction and love can be a choice, and it can be made much easier if God wills it.

Well God definitely willed it. Not only did he will it, not only did he say "this is a good choice" but he told me specifically why...what I needed to do...and that this was the one to trust...the one I would marry.

I agree with him that there is no "One" in the sense that most people think of it. I also know that God is right now guiding another that he has prepared towards me. I also believe that once I meet that man, my joy will be full once I realize that I CAN completely trust him, that his love is celestial, and that he accepts me for all that I am, especially my imperfections. But as much as I will love him...and I will probably love him even more than Jeremy (just as I had loved Jeremy more than Jaime), I will always know that he was the 2nd runner up (or 3rd, or 4th....). I will always know that my son Isaac will not be the same person he would have been because he will have a different father, and therefore a different mission. Jeremy might think he was the 2nd runner up to Jaime, but that wasn't the case. I explained that all to him. If he didn't understand, then he didn't. There is nothing I could have done to convince him otherwise. But it is simple and clear to me. I know what happened; and I know what I've been told. I also know that I'm not crazy, and that I am not "inventing" things or making them up, because I have been told through priesthood blessings that this is so.

Well, I guess I'll start looking for my 2nd runner up. And if I find him, I will tell him all about this. If he doesn't mind, then he is certainly a special man. He will eventually become my 1st and my one and only. He will be my King; because he will be the one who takes me to the temple, and the one who gets to spend eternity with me. Jeremy has lost that. And this might sound arrogant, but I feel bad for him. I know what I have lost in him; something very precious indeed. But he doesn't know what he lost when he gave me up. He really doesn't.

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