May 12, 2004

I was doing ok until today.

You know what? I don't care anymore. I have been trying to even convince myself that I'm alright; I've been trying so hard to change; to move on; to keep my feelings to myself, even on my own stupid weblog. I have been begging Heavenly Father to help me. I have been controlling angry thoughts; low self-esteem; I have been changing, learning new things...I have literally made more strides in my life in the past few months than I had in my entire life.

But sometimes my heart aches and cries out "for what?" I know the answer to that question. I know that becoming a better person is a righteous goal. Becoming the kind of woman who will be a good wife; a good mother, a good individual, a good member of society, a good employee...all those things are reasons to better myself. To get closer to the celestial kingdom, to return to finally live in rest and in the glory of my Redeemer. Yes, I know the answer. But sometimes my heart hurts too much. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear. Sometimes I just wish I had that rest now.

Ironically, although in all honesty not intentionally, I have become the very woman I needed to be in January, but I wasn't. The irony isn't lost on me as I look back. I am now the woman I wanted to be, too, except for the pain. I can't erase it. It doesn't go away.

I want to be fun-loving and carefree. I want to be the woman I am now; but I want to be humorous, always smiling, bubbly... and I try and I try, and I try.

I better go. I have to get my mind off all of this. I need to go to the gym.

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