May 12, 2004

Phew. I feel better. I really pushed myself again; I think I ran and cycled for 40 minutes. Ok ok, that's not a lot to someone who is used to this stuff, but it wasn't just the quantity of time, but the quality. I brought along my iPod and just closed my eyes and imagined myself running on the open road. I have always hated running; and therefore the machines are better for me (plus better on the knees; even though my feet seem to fall asleep sometimes!). But anyway, there I was, imagining myself at some point in the future; early morning, crisp autumn air, feet pounding on the pavement, no one in sight...just me and the road and the sunrise. It was a nice feeling, and it energized me and I pushed myself harder.

Now I don't know if I will ever be a runner, and I'm so far away from that right now that it seems doubtful, but in my mind I could actually see a goal being set -- that is me enjoying exercise. Enjoying being healthy. Fighting the genetics I was born with. I really, and I mean really want to be that person. It's not about weight loss or looking sexy in a leotard, but it's about health. I want to completely transform my life. I want to love exercise, love eating healthy, love following the word of wisdom, love cooking right for my family...I want to develop good habits such as waking up early and going to bed early (yeah...not happening so far ;) -- there is so much I want to do. But I know I have to start slow. That is the only way I can make these changes permanent. If I try to change everything at once, or go on a diet, or push myself to work out 2 hours 7 days a week, well I'm not ready for that yet. I will fail if I push too hard. But building upon some of the good habits I have already committed myself to over the past 2 years will help me eventually become that woman.

But exercise sure does help you clear your mind. We had a yoga class last night and that also helped a lot. I mean, my mind didn't completely leave my troubles or questions behind, but it helped me to focus on the peace that Heavenly Father has offered me and to focus on the knowledge that He loves me and wants me to be happy. It helps me to be better focused on my goals, lose sight of my distractions, and move forward, all the while recognizing my blessings.

Ok, so my post from a few hours ago is the opposite of this, but, well...I am sharing this roller-coaster that I call my life to remind myself later how I handled things and got through them. Taking care of myself and my body helps me put the rest of myself into perspective. Intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically....I know to be healthy and well-rounded I need to work on all those areas, but at least I'm focusing on more than one (as I used to do). Bringing those areas closer to balance is sure helping out a lot.

Well, it is late. I better go. I still can't seem to get to bed before 12 or 1 AM, but at least I have been sleeping through the nights. Now if I can just get myself up early...

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