May 11, 2004

You know, I've been doing pretty ok for the past week. Spring is in full bloom, and it is gorgeous. I love the smell of a fresh spring rain: I love the tangible renewal of the earth. I love how it makes me feel closer to God.

Yet, I still think about Jeremy. I have the question in my mind, and it's a question I wonder if he has considered. I still agree that we needed to break up -- and am grateful for what I've learned from it. But just because I recognize that as being the right thing to do, and just because I realize that if it wasn't for all that I (we've) learned, we probably should have only been friends, well, this doesn't mean that my feelings for him are so different, or that I am denying my own personal revelation. Does that mean I believe he acted in disacordance with Heavenly Father? No. And I hope he doesn't believe I have. I just recognize that anything that has to do with humanity equates to change and free agency, and I know that we don't always understand God and His ways in the manner in which we wish we did.

So what's the question? Did he break up with me, or fall out of love with me, because of who I am; because of incompatibility, or because of loss of attraction? Or did he break up (or fall out of love) with me because of circumstances; i.e., because he felt it was the 'wrong' thing at the 'wrong' time, because I distracted him from what he was supposed to be focusing on, because he had never experienced such emotions before, which in turn made him question what he really knew about love, or because of the profundity of the love I expressed to him? A fear of not meeting my needs?

And of course another question; why would he find it difficult being friends? I think that answers the first question, and I believe these answers will eventually elicit important information necessary for self-discovery and progression.

I know it must be hard for him, and I'm not wanting to make things difficult. I really want to be his friend; what I should have been all along. Hence the reason I'm continuing on with my life. all honesty...things aren't as black and white as we sometimes wish they were. The answers to life are simple, and when we learn them we wonder what took us so long in discovering them. But it's the learning process; the life process that is challenging and not easily understood. God is willing to help us figure it out, but we have to be willing to listen to what He tells us, even if it doesn't make sense, or contradicts what we believed up to that point.

There are things I still don't understand; but I know the Lord loves me and will guide me, and will help me find the answers. From experience though, I know that those answers usually turn up in the most unexpected (and sometimes joyful) ways.

No comments:

Post a Comment