Jun 14, 2004

I'm not sure what to talk about today. I guess there isn't much. I'm at a point in my life where I'm very confused; and I'm trying to decipher the Lord's will for me. I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing, what I should be pursuing, and what changes I need to make in my life that I'm not already working on.

My stomach is in knots. I'm pretty worried. Not about me; but about people who I love. I won't get into specifics but certain friends and family members are going through some really tough times right now and I want to help them in every way I can; and it's frustrating to know that other than being there, and offering love and support, I can't do a dang thing. I may know (or think I know) what they need to do to make the changes necessary in their lives, but they won't listen. I made the mistake over the past few weeks of vocalizing my opinion on what these people should do (well to most of them, not all of them) and I ended up in tears because their anger towards me seemed unfounded. I realized I wasn't saying what I wanted to say; and it just frustrates me because I want them to know how much I love them and care for them and want to help them! I'm not saying I'm not in need of help myself. I believe we all need help in some areas of our lives. But I want to love and support these people so much, and they won't allow me to do so in the way I know how.

Well, all I can do is pray.

Jeremy has again decided to stop contacting me, and he has blocked all my email addresses (well the ones he knows of, anyway). It's not that I want to bombard him with emails, but it hurts, especially after the amazing progress we made a few weeks ago, and how the Spirit had again entered our relationship (friendship) and we knew the other was not out to harm us. But something happened again, and he has decided to run again. I don't know what to do. I'm just letting him go, but how I wish he knew how much this hurts me. I guess he couldn't handle the truth that I laid before him. And I guess he didn't understand it, either; otherwise he wouldn't have been so fearful and mistrusting.

I don't know. I'm moving on like he asked me to. It is the single thing that is confusing me the most; and I have two men whose company I really enjoy; who seem to understand me and love to talk to me, and who have both admitted to falling for me. While it is so wonderful to know that there are good, honest, LDS men out there with whom I could be compatible, at the same time I'm scared, because Heavenly Father hasn't told me to move forward yet. I want to do what is right, but right now I'm acting upon my own decisions...and that decision to "move on" is the one I'm keeping with for now. But it doesn't feel completely right yet, and I still lack that peace that no one but Heavenly Father can give me by answering my questions.

Well, I think I've said too much already. I better go.

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