Jun 21, 2004

Well, I had a busy weekend. My mother and I spent all day Saturday doing a "While You Were Out" type deal for my sister, while she was in Milwaukee with Jess and Mark. It was a lot of fun:) My mother bought her a new full-size bed, to go with her full-size quilt that Auntie made her (really cute, purple with black and white kitties, just like Beaubies!) and we decided to clean her room and go shopping to redecorate it:) I had already bought her lilac colored curtains from Ikea a few weeks ago, and then I went out and bought bright purple sheets for her bed and also a DVD player for her room:) My mother and I then went out and got her a bookcase, an end table, some picture frames, a few lamps, 2 more flower rugs like the one I had already bought her...and a few more miscellaneous items. Her room is now absolutely gorgeous, and it was worth it when she came home, went into her room, and her jaw dropped. I loved seeing her expression! Ok, so she's spoiled, but we all adore her and love her and wanted to do this for her. It was a lot of fun, too.

There was a dark moment yesterday, though. We were all in Laurie's room (me, Laurie, Mom, Auntie, and Cristina) and Cristina was explaining to my mom and aunt her divorce, and how things were going. I wasn't saying anything..I was a tad upset with her because she hadn't cleaned or done her dishes in a week and I had to do them late Fri night after kindly asking her to do them (but she told me she would...but she didn't). Anyway, I also, a long time ago, told her I washed my hands of her whole problem. I don't agree with the way she is living her life, and while I am trying to be the best friend I can be, it is hard, because it is so sad the woman she has become. Yesterday she was blaming the church for her problems, saying that it wouldn't grant her a temple divorce (which is entirely untrue; her bishop really screwed her head up, and that's not right). Auntie asked her if she wanted a temple divorce, and she said no. Then my aunt said, "but then you can't get married in the temple again." Cristina said flatly, "I don't ever want to be married in the temple again!" I couldn't help it. Nausea swept over me and I felt so sick to my stomach. I knew I couldn't judge her; I knew I couldn't argue with her; I knew I couldn't do anything, so I had to get up as quickly as I could and leave the room. I couldn't believe how much that upset me. Well, I can believe it, but it's just another person going down the wrong road in life...and the life that awaits her, if she continues, is full of sadness and despair. I never thought she would ever choose this path. Of all the people I've known in the church, she was the last person I thought who would do these things. It breaks my heart. It's hard enough for me to think of my family, who I love so much, and last night, laying in bed, I was crying because I realized how much I am truly blessed to have every family member I have in my life, and how much I love them so very dearly, and how grateful I am to know that I can be with each and every one of them for eternity, but at the same time I worry so much about them (especially my brother, and my father) and the choices they make. I am not a mother yet, and I know my children will make choices that will break my heart, too, and I know I will not be able to do much other than to love them and accept them. But all of this is just truly hurting my heart.

I know it's not my concern. I know that Heavenly Father is just and kind, and he loves them so very much. I know that someday things will most likely work out for every one of these wonderful people. But I wish I could prevent the pain and despair that they are or might go through. I know that is not my job; I know this. I don't know why, though, my heart still continues to hurt and feel the pain of problems that are not mine to deal with. I do not know why I am like this, but I am. It makes life difficult at times, but I know it also enables me to love to a capacity that few people can understand. It does make me feel alone in this world, but, well...if this is what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I know that there is a purpose.

It was reconfirmed to me yesterday that my life is going to be difficult. There will be much pain, but there will also be much joy if I follow the correct trajectory. I am also supposed to teach. That doesn't necessarily mean be a "teacher", in the traditional sense, but teaching, and nurturing, are supposed to be extremely important elements in my life. I have thought this for some time, but I also know that, so far anyway, I'm not supposed to go back to school. I don't know what this means, or what awaits me, but at least this has all be reconfirmed to me and will help me choose the correct paths in my life. I also know that my health goals will be achieved. This knowledge comforts me, because for the past few years I have felt that coming, too...and even though my genetics have been fighting it every step of the way, I believe in miracles, and I now know that through hard work, diligence, and faith, my ailments will be healed (such as my ear problems) and my health goals WILL be achieved.

I have really enjoyed talking to James and to Patrick on the phone over the past few weeks. Getting to know them and developing a closer relationship with each of them. It's nice to have that reciprocated as well. I am still confused about things concerning Jeremy; I know how much I care for him and I know what I've been told. But one thing he said to me awhile ago sticks clearly in my mind; basically, if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do, or if he rejects me (as he has), Heavenly Father will give me to someone else. This pains me because I truly have seen my life with him, and I even have seen eternity with him. I have not seen this with any other ex-boyfriend or romantic interest in my life. I guess I'm hoping that whatever happens, my joy will still be full, even if I am given to another (and this seems to be the case, and what is beginning to happen already). It pains my heart more than what I felt when I was letting go of Jaime; because I never saw that eternity with Jaime. I just believed it. But..what can I do? I love my Father in Heaven, but I know that through this trial and other past, and current experiences in my life, I am learning about agency. I have to learn to accept other people's choices, and learn that no matter how much it hurts me, either because their choices directly affect me or because I am experiencing that "proxy" pain, because it pains me to see them suffer or make wrong choices, in either case, I have to accept them. I have to accept those choices, and love those people. I just feel terribly let down though. It's not that I ever put any of these people on a pedestal; and it's not like I didn't already know some of their more obvious weaknesses...I knew they were just like me...I knew they had problems, they had committed sins just as I have, they had their despair and their pain, and their joys and their peace. I know we all go through this in life. I know I have gone down some wrong roads in my life, too. It's not that I feel I'm better than anyone. No sir...not at all. But I guess I just have more faith in the people in my life than they have in themselves. I will continue to have faith in them; knowing that each and every one of them has the potential to live their lives to their fullest potential, and the life Heavenly Father wants them to live...just as I have faith in myself that I can pick myself up and out of despair, take myself off the wrong paths and move towards the right ones...but I don't know...I guess I am looking for someone who truly understands me. I thought I had found that; and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jeremy posesses these very qualities, even if right now they may lie dormant, but he doesn't seem to believe it himself. He doesn't see what a truly remarkable and unique man he is. But... I need someone who is willing to recognize these traits in himself now, who truly has the same goals of never giving up. Someone who recognizes their inherit humanity; recognizes their vast number of errors and weaknesses, and recognizes those in me, but also recognizes the beauty within themselves, the potential within, and is constantly striving to be better and to do the best they can in every situation that comes their way. To not feel that they aren't worthy, or that they can't do it; or that they can't fulfill the needs of another human being. We are limited by our humanity, yes, but that doesn't mean we should simply give up! I guess I cannot fathom this practice. It runs in my blood; I come from a family of alcoholics, abusers, and even worse things that even I do not know about, and one thing that is obvious is that trait of giving up...a fear of failing. I think it is better to fail in trying, then to never try. I guess I believed almost everyone thought that; but life, especially recently, has taught me otherwise.

Well, I have written too much already, and I need to get back to work. I'm pensive today. I am lamenting some of the grave mistakes I have made, but what is worse is the consequences I have had to live with because of some of those mistakes. And even worse than that, is knowing that my existence in Jeremy's life is just too painful for him. Instead of being a friend, a shining hope, a pillar of strength and peace, I feel as if he sees me as his thorn, and as a big mistake. He just doesn't see the whole picture, and I don't know if he ever will.

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