Well, I met a guy, a "potential", who I've been talking to a lot lately; and he is really awesome. He is easy to talk to; a great listener, my age, and consequently very hot. I seriously don't care about looks that much; I think of all the men I have dated and they have ranged from quite homely to fashion model material (yeah, Jaime is that good-looking). This guy is up there with Jaime, seriously. But anyway, he's simply awesome. He wants to meet me and he really likes me. But...I keep telling him about my weaknesses, my failings, my imperfections....he'll probably get sick of it and think I have a low self-esteem, which isn't entirely untrue, but it's just that I was sure to tell Jeremy everything about myself yet he continued to assure me that it was ok, and that he looked forward to getting to know me, and finding out my weaknesses and imperfections. Well, all I can say to that is: yeah right. Since he decided he didn't love me, all it has been is him thinking of reasons that I could not possibly be his future wife. I have heard them all. He has told me everything that is wrong with me *sigh*. I had told him about these things beforehand, but he wouldn't listen. He simply had to stick to that idea of the "perfect" Michelle; man, he even idealized my imperfections! All i wanted was someone to accept me but lovingly help me in my efforts to continually improve. But all I've heard is that "you do not possess the qualities I am looking for" or "I'm not attracted to you" (*snort*) or "you are too emotionally dependent" or whatever. The irony of it all is those so-called "qualities" that I supposedly do not possess are acquired qualities, and those very qualities are ones I have been in the process of acquiring for some time. Just because I hadn't perfected them doesn't mean I'm worthless!
But anyway, enough griping about Jeremy and his unrealistic perfectionist ideals. I have no idea if this new guy is the same way; I can't help but be worried, because the two men I have loved before both put me on a pedestal upon which I was unable to stay stable. I am a good person and I sincerely have a desire to improve, but I already have a ton of fantastic qualities and strengths! Why do these guys expect so much more? Do they seriously believe they are going to find someone with all my strengths plus all those that I do NOT possess? They'll be lucky if they find someone who is even closer to their ideals than I am! Seriously, I think meeting someone who is so similar to you, someone who has that psychic connection with you, who can finish your sentences and has the same thoughts at the same time; and most importantly, is someone who God has approved of for you; well I think that scares the hell out of most men, and instead of recognizing what they have, they run away from it. Well anyway, I hope Patrick doesn't have such unrealistic expectations. He is really awesome, and I appreciate the fact that he is willing to be friends for now and get to know me slowly, and vice versa. I'm all about going slow. I broke that general rule with Jeremy, but I'm not ever going to do that again.
But anyway, that's is all I really have to say at this point. I'm glad I have James as a really close friend as well; he is such a wonderful, wonderful man who completely understands me but is realistic with me at the same time. What I need right now are those close friends...and I'm grateful Heavenly Father is sending them to me.