Jun 2, 2004

Well, so far the conference is going great, and I'm learning lots of new, fun stuff:) There are a lot of people to network with, which is a major weakness of mine, but I'm going to force myself to go to the iParty tonight and try my best to mingle, even if I'm the only one with a water in my hand and I'm feeling self-conscious as hell. I know I can do it; I used to be such a warm, friendly person, and I know I can be that again.

I haven't eaten much in the past two days. This isn't good, but every time I see food I just have this mental image of myself ballooning out and I just can't make myself eat much. It just really irritates me that I allow such negative words to affect me as such. I'm sure I'll get over it, but it has just been hanging over my head the past two days, and when I walk down the street I feel so self-conscious and gross. I feel like I'm back to the days of strong anxieties, yet I am taking my medication for that. Well, I will keep praying that I can make those horrible feelings go away but at the same time continue with my goals, my diet, and my exercise plan.

I am just so upset with him. I cannot believe he made such a nasty comment about me getting married if I was thinner. What a piece of mierda that statement is! I have never, ever had problems getting guys interested in me, no matter what size I am. My reasons for wanting to work out and diet are NOT to simply attract men. I have those goals for good, righteous reasons, and I have my Heavenly Father supporting me in them. I have them to be healthy; to better appreciate my body and take care of it, to continue learning discipline, to make good habits that become lifestyle changes. I am doing it for the RIGHT reasons, and no one is going to tell me otherwise.

I know why he said these things; he probably feels trapped; like this agreement he made to be friends is encouraging me or something. Well, he has another thought coming. While it's true that his diatribe and hurtful words are not going to dissuade me from caring about him (they just make me more concerned for his mental and emotional welfare) I know that he is not a man I want in my life as a romantic interest right now. What woman in their right mind would allow this kind of behavior? What woman would allow a man talk to her in such a fashion? Very, very few. But I'm unique. I have been through ALL of this before; most of it with Jaime, but I have also experienced this psychological warfare with others. I tend to be the scapegoat for many people, but I am pretty used to it. It doesn't mean I don't get hurt, and case in point, he really hurt me with his stabbing words. When I get hurt I get immature and emotional, and start slinging back. I'm glad I didn't get too bad, though. I am the kind of person who knows exactly what to say and do to really hurt someone else. I know where the knife will plunge in most. I am not proud of this, but it comes with the gift of empathy. I have never used it, but I border on it when people use it on me. He might be like this too; after all, he is extremely intelligent and pretty good with people. Well, he used the exact words that would hurt me the most, that is for sure. But for some reason, although it hurt a LOT, it didn't hurt as much as I expected it would (just as I had expected that whole conversation eventually, but I wasn't prepared for it to happen this soon and thus I wasn't able to guard myself as I should have, and remained emotionless). It didn't hurt because I know it's not true. I know he has lied to me, that is blatantly obvious, either before or now...but in either case, the lie is not true. I know this, because I have a loving Father above who assures me of my virtues and assures me that I am doing what is right, and believing what is right. That is all that matters, and it brings peace to my heart even during such painful moments.

I guess he doesn't understand how I could possibly love him and believe what Heavenly Father told me on my birthday and numerous times afterwards, and at the same time just want to be friends. It's obvious he is threatened by the idea of me having false hopes. Well, he doesn't have to worry. I don't want to be more than friends with him. I really don't. I deserve a lot better than what he is throwing at me. Of course I know he's throwing it at me to get me to give up and throw in the towel, but those tactics do not work with a person with the experience and the heart that I have. I have a strong sense of what love is. I know that it's there through thick and thin; I know that when you love someone, you love them even when they hurt you, hate you, spite you, and even persecute you. I have had family members do these very same things to me as well, and it hurt more than I can even express, but I never stopped loving them or believing in them and in their goodness. We all crack sometimes, we all have our very mean moments; we have all hurt people we care about. It's human. It's not right, but it's human, and it's to be expected, but NOT tolerated.

I don't have any issues looking for others, dating others, and pursuing other relationships. I WILL do it. I AM doing it. But at the same time, although I know my love for him is a choice; I cannot and will not go against my God and what He has asked me to do. My own selfish desires are to throw in the towel, get angry, and just forget it all. But I won't. I won't until I'm told to do so. But in the meantime, yes, I will keep dating. I know my mission in life, at least part of it, and I can accomplish most of it with any worthy young man, and I will do so.

But yes, I love him. He knows this. It's certainly not a romantic, feverish, intoxicating love like it was in the beginning, but that doesn't mean it's not there. Again, I have experience with this, and I know what it is. But at the same time, I certainly do NOT want to be with him. I just wish he could recognize that nothing is expected of him; nothing but his friendship. I haven't IM'd him; he has IM'd me. I was looking forward to a friendly chat, but instead he had to turn it into a slash-fest. I know he doesn't realize he can be friends with someone who cares so much for him; and I know it makes him uncomfortable, but it is do-able. I've been on both sides of that equation before, and to tell you the honest truth, those relationships were some of the most worthwhile experiences, full of personal growth and discovery.

Hey, life is full of adversity and challenges. It wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't. It's the people, the friendships, the relationships that can get through those times and still care about each other; who can say they are sorry to each other, who can recognize the beauty in each other and overlook the ugliness...those are the relationships in life that are truly worth having.

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