Jul 30, 2004

You know, over the last six months I have done so much for him. I've sent him a Return with Honor ring, for his mission, to remind him of his worthy temporal and eternal goals. I sent him his favorite oatmeal and drink (Yoohoo), to show my genuine love and concern for him as a friend. I've sent him inspirational cards, funny jokes, and uplifting emails.

What is his problem?? He was given the very thing he had always wanted. God might have been a little reluctant, but there was reason for that reluctance...obviously, because the way he is acting, denying the truth, and treating me is exactly the reason God was reluctant! He knew that this would happen, and I would go through this. I have learned a lot, and I was prepared exactly for this by my relationship with Jaime, but still. He was told he has to work very hard, but at the first sign of problems, at his first stroke of doubt, he does the opposite of what he was told.

You know, when things were going beautifully, I remember thinking, "This is too easy. This can't be happening; because I have known all along that my marriage will be "forged in the fire", and that the love that develops from it will be true and eternal, only because of the lessons and appreciation and devotion learned from the painful heartache and despair. Why is this so easy? Why has Heavenly Father simply handed me my eternal companion?"

Ah, now I know that it wasn't so easy. But the difficulty of all this; what both of us knew would certainly be coming...well, it's even more evidence of the importance and sanctity of our union. I know he's confused and scared. Confusion is normal, very normal. Does he think I didn't have doubts? Just because you have doubt doesn't mean you don't love someone. In fact, that is often proof of the opposite. Anyone in the beginning of a relationship who doesn't have doubts is just lost in infatuation. I mean seriously.

I know his trials and his pains. I know he needs me, but he denies it. I know I need him, too. Where I am weak; he is strong, and where he is weak, I am strong, especially now, after the past 6 months, and the testimony I have gained.

I know he still loves me. He can write me a horrible, hurtful email and deny it (and actually, I'm expecting one soon). He can marry another. He can do anything he literally wants; after all, he has his free agency. But he will never escape the truth. He is hurting himself, and I know he feels the pain, because I feel it for him.

I love that doughead so much. I've tried dating another. I have other options. I've had a semi-serious marriage proposal. I have another man that loves me, even though he knows my heart isn't entirely his! And gee, I love him too, but I simply can't go against what my Heavenly Father has told me, even though fear and mistrust reigns in me as well! I know the odds against me. BUT... I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what plan the Lord has for me. If he decides to go against everything he has been taught, everything he bore his testimony about that first Sunday in January...if he chooses to do so, it's not only his life and his mission he is affecting.

Why does he refuse to be happy? Does he not know that God wants him to be happy? Only God's plan for each of us will bring us true joy, even in the midst of darkness and trials. By denying such we are creating our own hell.

Fear is not an option. Not in the kingdom of the Lord. He has required much from some of us; he and I included. I know I have fears and doubts too -- especially about my future. But that will NOT stop me from doing what He has asked me to do.

"The Search is Over"

Jul 27, 2004

In Joseph Smith History, 1:25, is one of my most favorite scriptures. It reads:

"So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation."

And I will say the same thing.

"So it was with me. I have had a revelation, and though I am persecuted and mistrusted, yet it is true...why persecute me for telling the truth? Who am I that I can withstand God, and why do you or anyone think to make me deny what I have actually heard? I heard the truth, I know it, and I know that God knows it, and I cannot deny it, nor dare I deny it, because in doing so I will offend God, and come under condemnation."


My faith is steadfast, unbreakable. Jeremy, don't think for one second you aren't good enough. Because you are. I do not see something that I want to see. I see what is true; I see you, and I don't care about any past, present, or future transgressions. I love you. No hate email, no lies, nothing, and I repeat nothing will convince me otherwise.

"Where much is given, much is required. He who sins against the greater light receives the greater condemnation." I will not sin against the knowledge my Father has given me.

I know what is true. I know it. And just as our beloved prophet Joseph Smith refused to deny it, "so it is with me".

Jul 26, 2004

I hate this. I don't know what to do. I just hurt him really badly. I didn't mean to. I have been honest with him since day one...he knew about my confusion and about how I am trying to deal with my feelings for Jeremy. He knows how much I want to move on, and how much I want to be able to get to know him even better and give him 100%. He has already developed a deep affection for me, and now I've hurt him.

He asked where this was going. I couldn't lie. I told him that I couldn't answer that; because I am still dealing with issues, and still trying to figure out everything Heavenly Father has and is telling me. What more can I do? He knows how much I care about him, but he knows he doesn't have my whole heart.

I don't know if anyone ever will. I might be destined to this life forever. Ok that sounds very fatalistic, but when Heavenly Father tells me that I'm supposed to just have blind faith and believe Him, even when everything logical in my brain tells me the exact opposite, what am I supposed to do??

This is so much harder than getting over Jaime. That didn't cause nearly as much heartache as this. I don't know what to do. I've tried following my logic and moving on, but now all I have done is wounded someone I care deeply about.

Heavenly Father, I need your help. Please help me. I've tried making my own decisions. I'm trying to have faith. I've tried to "stop" loving Jeremy. I've tried so hard, Heavenly Father.

But I am just a woman, and a weak one at that. I am weary, and so very tired and very, very lonely. I needed Jeremy...I didn't need a husband...I needed him, but that was taken away from me.

The best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, the closest I ever felt to you, Father....the man that gave me all of this and so much more....he is gone.

The man that truly fulfilled me, and brought greater joy to my life than I ever thought possible....he is gone. And I have unintentionally wounded another because of it. Father, please, please help me. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to cause anyone pain. No one deserves to feel this way. No one.

Jul 25, 2004

We have a mourning dove who decided to make my flowerbox a nesting place for her two babies! I saw the dove sitting amongst my wave petunias, and then she flew away when I walked outside. I haven't noticed her earlier because I haven't had to go out and water my plants; we've been getting plenty of rain. Anyway, so I let Mookie out with me and started watering my plants, pruning them, etc and I saw the small nest and two white eggs!

Since them Laurie and I have done some research on mourning doves. It is so cool that we will be able to watch the babies hatch (if we are around) and the mother take care of them. I'm surprised she chose my flowerbox, considering there are three cats staring out the window all the time. But, I'll just have to keep the kitties off the porch until the babies are gone.

Tara moved most of her stuff in today. She can't move in until the 1st, because Cristina never can make up her mind about when she's moving out. So that means only one more week with Mookie. I can't believe how much I'm going to miss him. He's just such a cuddle bug (when he wants to be).

Well, not much else. Tomorrow my family is going to Noah's Ark (a waterpark) in Wisconsin Dells. I'm still getting over my cold so I will have to be sure to be careful in the sun and take it easy, but it will be nice seeing my brother and also spending time with the family and getting some sun:) I just wish it could have been today instead, but Kevin couldn't get off of work.

Well, not much else going on in my life. I have a big sense that my life is about to change, but I"m not sure how. I'm dissatifised with my job again, because I found out by looking up the new budget that I indeed AM the lowest paid person in my group. Plus, everyone has a laptop; and my boss promised me a laptop, but decided not to get me one. He just assumed I'd keep it at home or something. For cryin' out loud! First of all, assuming something like that without talking to me is just bad. Plus, I feel so taken advantage of. I am paid so little compared to my coworkers, and treated pretty unfairly when it comes to things like this. Don't get me wrong, I still know my job is a good one, but it's just hard, when I know what I'm doing is top-notch and our customers believe that too. I also know I'm indespensible. If I decided to just quit, what would they do?? There is no one there who can replace me. I'm not simply a graphic designer, or a web designer. I'm both...and I can also do code and lots of other stuff. Try and find THAT in another worker! I have 6 years experience too!

It just makes me mad. A lot of things in my life have been having that effect on me. I'm just sick of things going so crummily. Yeah, I'm doing what I can to change my attitude, but things are so confusing in my life, especially in my heart, and I'm trying my best, every day, to figure out just why Heavenly Father would put me through, or allow me to pass through, such a test as He is (concerning Jeremy). I mean, I wasn't getting any answers to my "why" or "what should I do", so I made up my own decision; decided to not be a "slothful servant", and I did what I could to move on. But, I still love Jeremy, in fact it seems to have only grown stronger, despite having feelings for another person as well. I just don't know what to do.

Jul 23, 2004

So, James and I decided that we were needed a therapeutic form of de-stressing ourselves. Both of us have a case of the "can't get the ex out of our head" syndrom ;) (hey, at least we admit it!!! Kudos for us!) Anyway, I thought having a sense of humor about the whole thing would definitely help me curb any anger, disappointment, or frustration.

So, check out my new Yahoo public profile.

A link to James' is on the bottom of my profile:)

Life is too short to take seriously all the time. I think it's time to enjoy it much more!!!! :D

Jul 22, 2004

I'm trying...really I am....but I can't deny what is true. I've tried changing; I've tried forgetting, I've tried dating, I've tried everything. But despite it all, the answer remains the same.

And I can't stop caring, or worrying, or loving. I want to, but I can't; not because I can't change my will, but because I won't deny, can't deny, what I keep being told.

Jul 21, 2004

OH this week is just not my week! I have the worst cold ever...and we all know summer colds are just horrible. My ears, my nose, my sinuses are all plugged up. I'm dizzy too. I went to work yesterday but Les encouraged me to go home. I stayed home today and worked for about 5 hours too (and if I can handle it, I'll do some more today). Good thing I have this new laptop so that I can actually do work without having to wait around for my computer to respond!

Speaking of it, this is a heck of a machine. An iBook G4, 1.2 GHZ processor, 768 MB RAM (I added a 512 MB chip), 60 GB HD, DVD/CD-RW optical slot-loading drive, Mac OS X.3 with iLife, and of course all my great programs such as Macromedia's Studio and Adobe PhotoShop. Of course, the 2nd day I had it, I put a nice big scratch right in the center of the screen. I got a new iSight webcam (firewire..it's awesome...just like the one I have at work) and it fell and scratched the screen.

Speaking of scratches, while driving from work where I had to pick up some stuff I needed (and I shouldn't have been driving, I was so drugged and dizzy) I stopped at Big Mike's to get a sub. My door and my right-hand mirror was replaced recently because of that uninsured motorist hitting it. Well, my stupid mirror scratched alongside a doorbell on the side of the building at Big Mike's, when I was going through the drive-thru. It made a heck of a gauge and completely removed the paint. I was so mad! Things keep happening to my car, and it's making me really upset. When I feel better, I will have to try to do some research and see if I can figure out how to buff, sand, and repaint these scratches on my own. I have touch-up paint, but I'm not just going to paint over the scratch. That would look ridiculous.

Oh well. It's just a car, right? Just like it's just a computer. They both still function perfectly fine. It's just that I try so hard to take care of my stuff and these things happen. Grrrrr....

Man, I'm going to miss Mookie when he leaves next week with Cristina. I know Vader will miss him too. He's a little devil, but it's nice having him around, especially when he gets all cuddly.

Beau and Vader went to the vet last Fri, and Beau will be returning next Monday for dental work. They had to pull his front tooth, poor little guy, because it was completely rotten. I feel like such a bad mother for not noticing! He didn't complain though..and now he's taking antibiotics to help the infection there in his mouth, too. He's sooo good at taking his medications! But he's going back to get his teeth clean. They are absolutely full of plaque, and while it might be too late to save them as it is, we have to give him a chance. Then in a few months I will have to take Vader in. She's only 2 and a half, but she already has some calculus build-up. Since she's so young, I want to make sure she's taken care of and doesn't lose any teeth!

I myself went to the dentist yesterday, and they found 2 more cavities. 2 more! That makes 4 cavities in the past year! I don't get it; I brush twice a day, I rinse with a flouride rinse when I remember, I floss (ok not every day, but I try). I have never had any cavities until I was 27 years old! My teeth are whiter, I've noticed (must be the toothpaste), but the dentist also warned me that there are a lot of suspicious areas between many of my teeth, and that I need to have flouride treatments and floss EVERY NIGHT. Well, I guess perfect teeth can't last forever. I had little plaque and tartar, which was good, but it's between those tight teeth of mine where the problems lay. *sigh*.

Well is there anything good to report? Not really, other than the fact that I received a stipend of $250 to make up for payments towards my health insurance for the past year. I didn't know I got that. So that will help with paying some bills, and I want to put some into my savings account.

Well, that's all I can think about saying for now. My life is boring, the summer is hot, and right now I feel so crappy. I have to get back to work! I hope this cold ends soon.

Jul 18, 2004

Oh I was so angry with my ward today! They were so irreverent during Sacrament meeting! I mean for cryin out loud; no one has an excuse for being irreverent. We are all adults; there are no children, and we even had a high councilman speaking. But people were talking and nudging each other and giggling. I was just disgusted, and my nerves were really on end, too. I had 10 minutes to calm down after sacrament meeting and try to get myself into the right frame of mind to teach my class. It was hard, but I did it.

Teaching has become a lot easier for me now. I get compliments on my lessons every week, too. This still boggles my mind, but I appreciate knowing that my teaching has been effective. My bishop came up after class and said I had a great way of drawing out everyone and encouraging them to participate; but when they remained silent, I didn't let it phase me. Well I will admit that their silence sometimes DOES phase me and gets me a little uncomfortable, but usually someone will eventually speak up after I ask a question. I make sure to encourage comments, sharing experiences, and when someone gives a wrong answer, rather than telling them they are wrong, I find a way to take what they said and "build upon it" towards the correct answer. I think that helps people feel more at ease when talking in class.

Today's lesson was about Ammon, the sons of Mosiah, and how Ammon taught King Lamoni, and his brethren ended up teaching King Lamoni's father. I love this sotry abotu how Ammon protected the flocks of the king. Ok, cutting off arms is kind of gruesome, but the point that I believe Mormon wanted us to take away is how effectively Ammon served as a missionary. He didn't march straight into the Lamanite kingdom and pull out his flip chart and start with the first dicussion. Instead he asked King Lamoni if he could serve him. And serve him he did! He also made the other servants feel comfortable around him; he did not have a "holier than thou" attitude, and saw them as his equals. It wasn't a "what I have is better than what you have and therefore I'm better" attitude, but rather "I want you to have the same gift that brings me such joy" attitude! When his fellow servants were in despair, fearing their lives after the enemies of the king scattered the flocks, as they have done on regular occasion, causing King Lamoni to get angry and slay his own servants, Ammon's heart swelled with joy, because he knew this was an opportunity to show love and service to them. He not only helped them re-gather the flocks, but because he had been promised by God that he would not be slain while doing missionary work, he knew that he could withstand the enemies of the king and prevent them from scattering the flocks again. He, one man, ended up killing many of them, and cut off the arms of each one who raised a sword against him. His power caused fear in the enemies and they fled, and his brethren were awed by his power. They took the arms to King Lamoni as a testimony of what had happened, and King Lamoni saw how Ammon truly served him. Even while they were telling him about this, Ammon was feeding the king's horses and still serving him! His great love for the King and his desire to serve touched King Lamoni deeply, and therefore the King wanted to know with what power Ammon was able to accomplish these things. This led him into a discussion of God, and the plan of Redemption. King Lamoni believed every word he said, because not only did he have witnesses to testify of Ammon's power, but also because he saw what love and devotion Ammon had for him.

What a marvelous way to teach the gospel! To truly go out there and serve our fellow men; not with the attitude that we are going to "baptize", but that we are going to testify! Not with the belief that we have a corner on the gospel, but rather that the gospel is something for everyone! Those missionaries who are truly converted realize this, and want to share their great joy with others -- they aren't out to convert, but to testify and to be examples. Serving and showing love is the best way to reach individuals, and to truly teach them of the mercy and the greatness of our God. They will want to know more, naturally, because they see something "different" in these young men and women, and all of us who testify of the truthfulness of the gospel through service and example.

I just love the Book of Mormon. It's even popped up in my dreams lately. I love how easy it is to read. I love how interesting the stories are, and knowing they are also true. I love seeing how what happened since 500 B.C. on this continent can still teach us today -- how we can learn from the Lamanite and Nephite nations of old. It is simply amazing.

Jul 13, 2004

So I somewhat intoxicated myself yesterday, without meaning to. I was wondering why my stomach was churning all day and why my orange juice smelled funny. I didn't realize until I was in the middle of my workout and suddenly I had to run to the nearest facility and vomit. I never vomit unless I'm really sick. The odd thing, though, was as soon as I got it all out of my system, I was fine, and I went back to my workout.

I talked to James about it and told him that I had mixed a whole day's worth of Reliv into a big gigantic bottle of OJ, and brought it to work with me. I thought it would be easier on my stomach if I just sipped on it throughout the day. Well, I forgot that the Reliv has live enzymes, or amino acids, in it. Plus...sitting outside of the refrigerator causes OJ to spoil, just like milk. It also didn't help that orange juice is very acidic, which pretty much counteracts the effects the the Reliv is supposed to have on me (remove the high acidity in my system). DUH, Michelle! So anyway, the OJ must have begun to ferment. Well no wonder I was feeling weird and lightheaded, and had a pounding headache. It still didn't deter me from the gym, but that's when my system said to me, 'OK! Enough!"

It's funny how you can do such stupid things and be completely oblivious to it. Well, at least I know now to not do that again! When I drank my Reliv this morning, I was a bit hesitant, but I mixed it with milk instead. I think my stomach is happier because of it.

Jul 11, 2004

Oh, screw it. I'm so sick and tired of everything. I was apathetic today; and it felt good to not care about anything particular, but that didn't last long.

No, for empathetic types like me, apathy is something pretty much unknown. When we do experience it, it is a rare thing indeed.

But whatever. I'm sick of work, I'm sick of feeling like I'm worthless, I'm mad that what Jeremy said to me at the end of May is still affecting me, and I hate that I'm comparing myself to every woman I know, and feeling ugly and disgusting. I'm sick of trying to be so damn strong all the time, trying to overcome my weaknesses, overcome my depression, overcome the natural (wo)man.

I'm sick of not knowing what I am supposed to do. I'm sick of trying to figure out why Heavenly Father told me everything He did, and why it's still there...right in front of my face. I'm sick of trying to decipher men's words and actions...I'm sick of trying to pretend to be cool and aloof, like I don't care about anything, when in fact I do.

You know, I just want someone to take care of me. Not like in the mother/father sense, but I have spent my whole life taking care of others and taking care of myself. I don't know what it is like, either, to NOT have the upper-hand in a relationship, emotionally anyway. I don't know what it's like to actually surrender to someone and their love, and to trust them, knowing with every fiber of my heart that they will never, ever hurt me. I don't know how it feels to be wrapped in the arms of that someone, knowing that they also completely trust me, and need me. Knowing that they value me in their life, and they see me as Heavenly Father sees me, or, well, at least try to.

What is that like? Having someone love you who knows all about you, and your quirks and foibles and everything? I might be finding out soon, but what if I don't? What it it just turns ugly again? What if just being myself is simply too much??

I'm not a difficult woman. But my overwhelming love and desire to serve and help overwhelms almost everyone. Why is something that is so inheritently good, a Christ-like virtue, so feared?

And why can't I erase out of my mind everything I have been told concerning Jeremy? I just want it to all disappear. My life has changed; not because I wanted it to, but because he did. And my mission is different now, and I am trying to accept that.

Jul 9, 2004

Joachim Du Bellay, L'Olive

When Love* lowers your beautiful eyes to the earth,
And assembles your spirits in a sigh
With his hands, and then looses them
In a clear, angelic, divine voice,

Then of me a sweet rapture
Comes about, in myself: I lose myself, it seems as if
My thought and my will are stolen
Along with my heart, from the depths of my breast.

But this sweet sound, whose divine accents
Have occupied the portal to my senses,
Holds back the rushing forth of my ravished soul.

This is how on human doings
Not the three Sisters*, but Love* with his hand
Weaves and weaves again the tissue of my life.


(note: the "three Sisters" refer to the Parcae, or the three Fates, from classical mythology, when many believed that human lives were predetermined by the Fates, or fate as we know it today. "Love" refers to the God of Love. It seems in this poem Du Bellay is saying that through love one can overcome one's fate. )

Jul 7, 2004

I wonder if Jeremy realizes that his blocking of my emails is not only a bit childish and hurtful, but it is sending the opposite message that he wants to send to me. It only confirms, rather than denies, his emotional attachment to me. Does this sound arrogant? I could care less. It's the truth.

It also is a concession of guilt. I don't block him...why? Because I know I didn't do anything wrong to him. He has, however. And he can't handle what he's done, so rather than try to fix it, he is trying to avoid it.

I'm the one who should be blocking HIM, not vice versa. I'm not the one who messed up..HE is. So what does that tell him? He continues to treat horribly the one who he's wronged, and the one who was wronged continues to be forgiving and loving?

Well, at least I have two men who see my worth and see my value...two men who have expressed their deep affection and affinity for me. They both play different roles in my life, but their continual support and love remains the same.

At least I know some men are indeed strong enough and assured enough of their own worth to be able to offer their love to others.

Jul 4, 2004

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Before we came here, faithful women were given certain assignments while faithful men were foreordained to certain priesthood tasks. While we do not now remember the particulars, this does not alter the glorious reality of what we once agreed to. You are accountable for those things which long ago were expected of you just as are those we sustain as prophets and apostles!” (“The Role of Righteous Women,” Ensign, Nov. 1979, 102).

I am beginning to get a few glimpses into my assignment(s), or should I say, remember them. I had a dream about Isaac. He was still a little boy, but wow, how much I loved him! In my dream I remember knowing well that Isaac had an important, foreordained, role to play in his life as well, and I knew how extremely special my little boy was. I also, in my mind (in the dream), knew it was linked to his father. He would help his father with something important.

I'm trying to make sense of this dream, but I wish my sister hadn't woke me up with a phone call, which interrupted the dream. It was intense, and very vivid. Isaac was a beautiful little boy with light brown hair. He was a thoughtful, extremely intelligent 3 year old. Even at the tender age of 3 he seemed to have a sense of his purpose as well. He loved me as much as any 3 year old boy would love his mother, but he had a special connection with his father, too, and simply adored him. His father was away for awhile, and Isaac was really missing him.

This is all that I remember, but I still feel the images burning into my heart. I know they were real. I can sense that. My mother had dreams of me before she was even married. I have other friends who "met" their children before they came to earth. I met my young son years and years ago, briefly...and now I had a chance to do it again. I hope I might be blessed enough to have a few more opportunities while I am waiting for his father and for him, as well.

Jul 1, 2004

So I've been writing less lately. I think it's because I'm beginning to come out of my depression. I actually called up a friend and suggested that we go out tonight, and I haven't done that since January! I also think that the Reliv dietary supplements that James sent me are helping me immensely; I have so much more energy, my mood has picked up considerably, my body feels stronger and healthier...and I noticed when I was last at the gym that my muscles seemed to be working better as well. My sister and I played our version of Raquetball for about 45 min and then went to do our usual ellyptical work out. It didn't phase me at all; in fact, I was so engrossed in watching "Roseanne" while I was on the ellyptical that I didn't notice when my sister tapped me on the shoulder to tell me it was time to go.

I can tell a difference too, finally...especially in my lower legs. My calves are more shapely and my ankles are looking better. This is really great! I think the combination of more water, Reliv, and exercise is starting to make a difference. Knowing that my goal is beginning to be realized is such an amazing thing; plus the ability to actually feel happy again, to enjoy spending time with people, to be reminded of how beautiful I am, both inside and out, by truly awesome men, well...it just helps me so much.

I did do something stupid today, though. I'm on vacation; I took a week off just to sit around the house and get stuff done here. I totally redid my room and got rid of a lot of junk plus the mismatching furniture, and now it all matches and is much less cluttered. I've been cleaning, relaxing, baking, talking on the phone..and today I decided to take apart my dashboard and fix the stupid speedometer (and paint the needles to match my car). Stupid move. What a girl thing to do. I pride myself in my flowering mechanical abilities, and while I knew very well that I couldn't remove the needles (which I didn't), and that the needle on the speedometer shouldn't have been moved in the first place, I thought that by moving it "back" to where it was before it was moved a year and a half ago, I would fix it. Well, I think I made things worse *sigh*. Patrick told me I probably bent a lever on it, the ones behind the needle that move it. Plus since I had tampered with it a year and a half ago to put that silly gauge face overlay over the stock ones, I pretty much voided the warranty on that part. I called Saturn and told thim this, although I did mention that the speedometer itself was not touched and the needles were not removed, but they said they'd check, but my warranty was probably void. So if I need a new speedometer, the part alone is well over $300. UGH! I took it for a test drive and it seemed to still be "fast", and it's probably right around the same place it was, but I could be off even more than 6 mph now.

So that, on top of the gauge on my right hand door where someone keyed my car, have pretty much devalued the car considerably. I really don't want to trade it in and get another; I am halfway done with paying off this car, but seriously, for what I pay, I could get a brand new car with more options for less than what I'm paying now. That's what my Mom is doing. The new Saturns are so much cheaper than the older ones! It's just that my car is still pretty new! I just can't justify doing that...considering how I'm trying to save money. But if it meant lower monthly payments, 0% interest, and a new warranty (mine expires in 6,000 miles), it might be worth it. I guess I'll have to pray about it.

Well, I guess I'm going to go. I did a gorgeous website for James and his business, and I'm so darn proud of it:) It is soooo cool! I know I have a talent for this stuff, but I still feel like I'm in a waiting period in my life. I'm living it to its fullest, and trying my hardest to do so, but this isn't my calling! So I'm working on changing that as well.