Jul 26, 2004

I hate this. I don't know what to do. I just hurt him really badly. I didn't mean to. I have been honest with him since day one...he knew about my confusion and about how I am trying to deal with my feelings for Jeremy. He knows how much I want to move on, and how much I want to be able to get to know him even better and give him 100%. He has already developed a deep affection for me, and now I've hurt him.

He asked where this was going. I couldn't lie. I told him that I couldn't answer that; because I am still dealing with issues, and still trying to figure out everything Heavenly Father has and is telling me. What more can I do? He knows how much I care about him, but he knows he doesn't have my whole heart.

I don't know if anyone ever will. I might be destined to this life forever. Ok that sounds very fatalistic, but when Heavenly Father tells me that I'm supposed to just have blind faith and believe Him, even when everything logical in my brain tells me the exact opposite, what am I supposed to do??

This is so much harder than getting over Jaime. That didn't cause nearly as much heartache as this. I don't know what to do. I've tried following my logic and moving on, but now all I have done is wounded someone I care deeply about.

Heavenly Father, I need your help. Please help me. I've tried making my own decisions. I'm trying to have faith. I've tried to "stop" loving Jeremy. I've tried so hard, Heavenly Father.

But I am just a woman, and a weak one at that. I am weary, and so very tired and very, very lonely. I needed Jeremy...I didn't need a husband...I needed him, but that was taken away from me.

The best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, the closest I ever felt to you, Father....the man that gave me all of this and so much more....he is gone.

The man that truly fulfilled me, and brought greater joy to my life than I ever thought possible....he is gone. And I have unintentionally wounded another because of it. Father, please, please help me. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to cause anyone pain. No one deserves to feel this way. No one.

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