Jul 11, 2004

Oh, screw it. I'm so sick and tired of everything. I was apathetic today; and it felt good to not care about anything particular, but that didn't last long.

No, for empathetic types like me, apathy is something pretty much unknown. When we do experience it, it is a rare thing indeed.

But whatever. I'm sick of work, I'm sick of feeling like I'm worthless, I'm mad that what Jeremy said to me at the end of May is still affecting me, and I hate that I'm comparing myself to every woman I know, and feeling ugly and disgusting. I'm sick of trying to be so damn strong all the time, trying to overcome my weaknesses, overcome my depression, overcome the natural (wo)man.

I'm sick of not knowing what I am supposed to do. I'm sick of trying to figure out why Heavenly Father told me everything He did, and why it's still there...right in front of my face. I'm sick of trying to decipher men's words and actions...I'm sick of trying to pretend to be cool and aloof, like I don't care about anything, when in fact I do.

You know, I just want someone to take care of me. Not like in the mother/father sense, but I have spent my whole life taking care of others and taking care of myself. I don't know what it is like, either, to NOT have the upper-hand in a relationship, emotionally anyway. I don't know what it's like to actually surrender to someone and their love, and to trust them, knowing with every fiber of my heart that they will never, ever hurt me. I don't know how it feels to be wrapped in the arms of that someone, knowing that they also completely trust me, and need me. Knowing that they value me in their life, and they see me as Heavenly Father sees me, or, well, at least try to.

What is that like? Having someone love you who knows all about you, and your quirks and foibles and everything? I might be finding out soon, but what if I don't? What it it just turns ugly again? What if just being myself is simply too much??

I'm not a difficult woman. But my overwhelming love and desire to serve and help overwhelms almost everyone. Why is something that is so inheritently good, a Christ-like virtue, so feared?

And why can't I erase out of my mind everything I have been told concerning Jeremy? I just want it to all disappear. My life has changed; not because I wanted it to, but because he did. And my mission is different now, and I am trying to accept that.

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